Reclaiming My Space In The Blogosphere

This post has been percolating for a while. I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to do this. While I love and embrace the community aspect of blogging, I also feel that personal blogs are our own personal space. We’re entitled to have them be safe places to write about what we want to write about and not write about what we don’t want to.

I’ve been planning to change the name of this blog for a while (since I’m no longer “ISO”). My original plan was to leave the URL the same and just change the name. Now I’m feeling the need for a fresh space. So my plan is to start a new blog with the same blogger id. I’ll link to it from this one, and leave this one intact and accessible from my profile, but not link back to here from the new one.

What do you all think?

And since I’m asking questions of you, Cali has suggested I put up a ticker. Not sure why I’m reluctant. Jinxy, maybe? Thoughts? Favorite tickers?

The new blog will probably go up late Monday or Tuesday, after my NT scan on Monday afternoon.

Also, I will be in Washington, DC from Thursday afternoon, June 4th until Sunday afternoon, June 7th, if any DC bloggers are available for a meetup. I really need a mental health break, and I have a couple of old friend in the area that I will be getting together with. I really shouldn’t be spending the money on this right now, but it’s a pretty inexpensive getaway from NYC, thanks to Bo1tbus (comfy seats with wifi and electrical outlets) and Price1ine. I’ll have time to restore my savings account. I figure I should take advantage of being done with PIO (just 2 more shots, tonight and tomorrow) and not being huge and unwieldy yet.

Not a “real” blog post, but how can I not update you all.

First of all, thank you for all the kind comments and emails. Each one means a lot to me. Very touching that lurkers showed themselves. I’m trying to catch up on emails.

I will say one (or two) last things about the recent conflict, then I will update you about today’s ultrasound. This pregnancy came about out of love. When I began to consider donor embryos, I really wanted some sort of open relationship. I wanted my child to have the chance to have some kind of relationship with his or her genetic siblings. Kathy offered me her embryos with love in her heart, and I accepted them with love in mine. In my mind, we became a kind of extended family. Really, do any of you know ANY family that doesn’t have some friction sometimes? I love Kathy. Not because of this gift she has given me. I just do. I’m horrified that she’s received death threats against her and her children. WTF!?!?!?! And as for the recent requests she’s received for funding for IVF, it would be funny if it weren’t so obnoxious. I have to say, I find it pretty annoying when I read bloggers whining about not being able to afford ART, then talking about their expensive electronic equipment and the vacations they’re taking. (BTW, as an aside, NONE of the UTERUS recipients solicited their positions. They were nominated and chosen as recipients through the google group that Mel formed for that purpose. Anyone can join that group and be involved in the process.)

Oh, and I am turning on comment moderation. Just because.

Okay. Done.

Now for the updates!

Even though I had my first OB appt 2 weeks ago, I snuck in a last u/s at the RE’s. My next OB appt is on June 1st (NT scan that day, too), there was no way I could stand the anxiety for a full 4 weeks. As Tertia calls it, I needed a “live baby check.”

LOOK!!! A head, a torso and arms and legs!!!! And most importantly, a strong heartbeat.


What a beautiful sight.

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Also can’t resist giving you all a Mushy update. Thanks again for the support during that scary time. He’s doing great. Back to his usual self, wrestling with Wilson and chasing his own tail. (I said he was sweet, not smart! Does anyone know why they chase their own tails?) Sunday night I caught them snuggling in a way I’d never seen before. I was able to get the camera out fast enough.


Awwwwww!

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Okay, just a quick pregnancy related question. What worked best for you for reflux? Still no morning sickness, but the reflux is awful. I’ve tried different brands of antacids, but I’m getting very little relief.

Taking a break.

I will be taking a break from posting for a while. It's just too stressful right now. Apparently, because I chose to publicly stay out of a volatile conflict, I am ungrateful and uncaring.

I will be reading blogs and occasionally commenting. If you want to know how I'm doing you can email me at dorasblog at gmail.

Thanks.

To Anonymous in Wisconsin

I could have deleted your comment. I didn’t. I could have turned on comment moderation. I haven’t.

This craziness will only continue if people like you insist on stirring up the shit. The more you stir it, the more it stinks.

You have no idea of what has been discussed behind the scenes.

As for “You don't get to sit this one out because you are pregnant and you don't want to upset the baby”

You know what? I do! I am a nearly 46 year old pregnant woman in my first trimester. This is a high risk pregnancy. You have no idea how stressful all of this has been for me, and the physical toll it has taken. My health and this pregnancy are my first priority. Period. To risk this pregnancy would be to disrespect the enormous gift I have been given.

I’m not exaggerating. Really!

The Mothers Day Fiasco

Some may think it’s odd that I have kept my mother in the dark about my efforts to become a mom. They ask when I’m going to tell her about my pregnancy. Answer: when I absolutely have to. When I tell people that my mother is extremely self centered, they sometimes think I’m exaggerating. Until I give them some details. Well, this past Mothers Day is a prime example.

I did my duty as a daughter and sent my mother a lovely gift that arrived a few days before the holiday. She really liked it. No surprise. I’m very good at choosing gifts for people. Sunday morning I called her to wish her a happy Mothers Day. All good. No conflict yet. Until Sunday evening, when I received a forwarded email from her.

Here is the content of the email:

Awesome Mom
Once you have been hit, you have to hit 5 awesome Moms..

Including the one who thought of YOU today and sent it to YOU...

If you get hit again, You will know you are Really awesome!

So hit 5 awesome moms on your friends list to let them know they are awesome!

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.!
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom .

Send this to someone who you think is an awesome Mom.

OUCH!!!!!!

My mother and her husband share an email address. He can be a complete idiot, so thinking that maybe he stupidly forwarded it, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and called her.

Me: Did you just forward a Mothers Day email to me?

Mom: (Sounding immediately defensive) What do you mean? I don’t know what you mean.

Me: An email about Mothers Day. Did you forward it to me?

Mom: I’m not sure. I don’t know.

Me: Well, go take a look at it, because it was completely inappropriate to send to me.

I hang up the phone. She calls back a few minutes later.

Mom: I think I meant to send it to someone else.

Me: Do you see how inappropriate that was to send to me?

Mom: (Huffy) I stand corrected. (Then proceeds to change the subject and asks about the cat.)

I hang up the phone again. I then replied to the email, saying: "I stand corrected." is NOT EVEN REMOTELY AN APOLOGY. I have not heard from her since.

The following is an email exchange with my BFF after I told her what happened and sent her the email so she could read it.

BFF: Your mom is really sick. And it says over and over - "to Moms' she is really sick. Thank god you haven't told her anything. Maybe you can avoid it and see how long you get until she figures it out? When the baby is one or two!

I'm only half kidding on the waiting to tell her!

Me: How about you call her when I go into labor!

BFF: Or we could just mail her the Shower invite to Louise's! (Louise is my BFF’s foster mom, who is wonderful, has a fabulous home for parties, and has known me since I was a teenager.)

Me: Ugh! Does she have to come? Maybe we could mail it late so it arrives the day after the shower.

BFF: That would be a pretty funny way to tell her about it! Think on it....

I LOVE HER!

Quick Update

Sorry about the deleted post. Everyone's fine, it's just been a difficult few days. Will post properly soon. I still have to tell you all about the Mothers Day fiasco. My mother is INCREDIBLE! And I don't mean that in a good way!

Also, I think it may be time for a blog title change. A little scary, but I'm really no longer In Search Of.

Quick update on Mushy: poor guy came home from the vet's with a cold. He's snuffling and sneezing, and sleeping a lot. So still not back to his old self. Vet suggested an extra week of antibiotics. I'm pampering him with stinky wet food (so he can smell it through his stuffy nose) and taking him in the bathroom and running hot showers to help his widdle sinuses drain. Hoping the other cat doesn't catch it.

Mushy Update

He's coming home today!! The vets were never able to really pinpoint why he was so sick. His bloodwork was normal, except for a low white cell count. He had a fever on Wednesday. When I went to see him Wednesday, he was absolutely miserable. Didn't really care that I was there. Just wanted to curl up in the corner of the cage and be left alone. They were giving him iv fluids and antibiotics. The x-rays of his bowels didn't show an obstruction, but they were still not ruling it out, even though he'd pooped after being hydrated. They gave the poor kitty an enema, too! They suspected it might be pancreatitis, but there isn't any diagnostic test for it, or any real treatment. He'd just have to ride it out. Or, the vet said it could have been a bowel infection and the antibiotics are knocking it out.

Wednesday night they gave him some pain meds, and by yesterday morning he seemed much better. Still not eating, but rubbing up against the cage door, demanding attention. That's my boy! I went to see him again after work. He looked so much better. He ate a little while I was there and snuggled with me a lot. He was really annoyed by the iv in his paw, and the constant crying of another cat must have been upsetting to him.

When I spoke to the vet this morning, he said he was doing much better, but still only eating a little. But the vet thinks he might do better at home now. I think so, too. So I'll pick him up on my way home from work. I'm a little nervous about what the final bill will be, but I'm relieved he didn't need surgery.

Thanks for all the good wishes.

The good and the bad.

First the good.

First OB appt yesterday. The dr is great! My little one is measuring perfectly on target at 1.47 cm, with a beautiful strong heartbeat of 171 bpm. I HEARD IT!!! I cried. What an incredible sound.

Then I got to meet up with Cassandra from Baby Smiling in Back Seat! We were planning to go to this indulgent French chocolate place (because I'm a proponent of "dessert first"), but they went out of business. So sad. They hadn't updated their website, so we didn't know until we got there. So instead we went for a very nice dinner in Greenwich Village. It was such a pleasure meeting her in person. This had been tentatively planned since February. She thought I'd be pregnant, but she wouldn't be. Instead, we're both pregnant, she's 4 weeks ahead of me, and having TWO!!

Now the bad.

One of my kitties is very sick. He started throwing up (just fluid) Sunday, but I didn't think much of it. Cats throw up, and he seemed his usual self otherwise. But yesterday it continued and he became increasingly listless. Completely unlike him. He is usually the most energetic and affectionate cat. He loves EVERYONE! He'd make friends with a pitbull given the opportunity. By late last night I was really scared. Took him to the vet as soon as they opened this morning. He was very, very dehydrated. The vet suspects a bowel obstruction of some kind. They are hydrating him and running tests. An x-ray doesn't show any obstruction, but the vet said it could just be in a spot that is hard to see. His kidney function is okay. Numbers are slightly elevated, but that's probably just from the dehydration. The bloodwork they ran there came back normal, but we have to wait until tomorrow morning for the rest. I'm really hoping it's just a really bad furball, and that once he's fully hydrated he will pass it. The vet said that was possible, or it could be a foreign object and he might need surgery. I had to give them a $500 deposit today and was told that if he needs surgery, it could be around $2,000. But what can I do? He's a young cat (around 6-7 years old), and this could be a very fixable problem. I'm sad and scared.

My Mushy!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Got Embies?

It’s been a while since I did a Pay it Forward Fridays post. About time!

If you’ve been reading for a while, you know how amazing my embryo donation story is. It simply would not have happened without this blog and this community. The gift I have received from Aunt K (Angrycanrn) is so beyond words. I have tried many times here, but I still feel I fail in describing how I feel about it.

But you are all so important to me. Each and every comment means so much. You’ve all helped me keep my sanity during each torturous 2 week wait, supported me after each failed cycle, and are now celebrating with me. My hope is that our story may inspire others with frozen embryos to consider directed donation.

As I’ve said, you are all important to me, but I have a special place in my heart for the single moms by choice and those trying to become one. For most of us, this was not how we originally planned to build our families. Most of us hoped for the typical 2 parent family. We tried. Relationships failed, for whatever reason. Mr. Right didn’t come along in time. As I’ve written in the past, in retrospect, I’m grateful that I didn’t become pregnant with Mr. Wrong. The painful custody issues that my friends and family members go through reinforce those feelings. From this perspective, single moms by choice are often in a better position to give their children a less tumultuous childhood that moms who are single by circumstance.

One unfortunate commonality between many SMCs is that while we looked for the ideal situation, our best fertile years slipped away. It wasn’t easy to give up the dream of my own genetic child, but the dream of motherhood was stronger. When I started investigating embryo donation, I looked into clinic programs. These are anonymous. This didn’t sit well with me. Maybe it’s all the adoptees from closed adoptions that I’ve known, but I didn’t want my child to feel like he/she was created with secrets. In my opinion, embryo donation is such a wonderful thing, it deserves open acknowledgement.

I’ve been so lucky. When one door closed, another opened. When things with one woman with embryos to donate didn’t work out, I wrote about it here. Aunt K read what I wrote and contacted me. Thus began our incredible journey. Her understanding of what I was going through and what I was feeling has been incredible. Even though I was going through my last ditch cycle with my own eggs, she committed to donating her embryos to me. She has been a literal safety net in my life. And here I am, 7 weeks, 4 days pregnant. Thanks to her.

So, where does the Pay it Forward fit in this? Well, I’d like to direct you to a couple of my SMC-wannabe bloggy friends. Princess of Tides at No Yolk and Battynurse at I want to be a mommy. I believe both of them will be wonderful mothers. Princess of Tides is currently in the middle of her last ditch IVF with her eggs and Battynurse is in a holding pattern since her last IVF failed. They have both mentioned being uncomfortable with the idea of anonymous embryo donation, so I would encourage you to read their stories if you are considering some kind of open embryo donation. (BTW, if either of them is uncomfortable with me writing this, I will delete reference to them.) It takes a certain amount of strength and determination to decide to pursue motherhood on your own. These are terrific, loving, strong women who’ve simply hit the brick wall of infertility.

It takes a village, people!

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P.S. On another Pay it Forward note, head over to Kristin’s Etsy shop to benefit The Liz Logelin Foundation. I know it’s an odd time of year to buy hats, but they’re so cute! Buy one and tuck it away for the Fall or as an emergency gift.