ISO the Golden Egg

I've Moved!

2009-06-02T09:57:00.001-04:00

Reclaiming My Space In The Blogosphere

2009-05-30T16:52:00.000-04:00

This post has been percolating for a while. I’ve been trying to figure out the best way to do this. While I love and embrace the community aspect of blogging, I also feel that personal blogs are our own personal space. We’re entitled to have them be safe places to write about what we want to write about and not write about what we don’t want to.

I’ve been planning to change the name of this blog for a while (since I’m no longer “ISO”). My original plan was to leave the URL the same and just change the name. Now I’m feeling the need for a fresh space. So my plan is to start a new blog with the same blogger id. I’ll link to it from this one, and leave this one intact and accessible from my profile, but not link back to here from the new one.

What do you all think?

And since I’m asking questions of you, Cali has suggested I put up a ticker. Not sure why I’m reluctant. Jinxy, maybe? Thoughts? Favorite tickers?

The new blog will probably go up late Monday or Tuesday, after my NT scan on Monday afternoon.

Also, I will be in Washington, DC from Thursday afternoon, June 4th until Sunday afternoon, June 7th, if any DC bloggers are available for a meetup. I really need a mental health break, and I have a couple of old friend in the area that I will be getting together with. I really shouldn’t be spending the money on this right now, but it’s a pretty inexpensive getaway from NYC, thanks to Bo1tbus (comfy seats with wifi and electrical outlets) and Price1ine. I’ll have time to restore my savings account. I figure I should take advantage of being done with PIO (just 2 more shots, tonight and tomorrow) and not being huge and unwieldy yet.

Not a “real” blog post, but how can I not update you all.

2009-05-19T16:17:00.003-04:00

First of all, thank you for all the kind comments and emails. Each one means a lot to me. Very touching that lurkers showed themselves. I’m trying to catch up on emails.

I will say one (or two) last things about the recent conflict, then I will update you about today’s ultrasound. This pregnancy came about out of love. When I began to consider donor embryos, I really wanted some sort of open relationship. I wanted my child to have the chance to have some kind of relationship with his or her genetic siblings. Kathy offered me her embryos with love in her heart, and I accepted them with love in mine. In my mind, we became a kind of extended family. Really, do any of you know ANY family that doesn’t have some friction sometimes? I love Kathy. Not because of this gift she has given me. I just do. I’m horrified that she’s received death threats against her and her children. WTF!?!?!?! And as for the recent requests she’s received for funding for IVF, it would be funny if it weren’t so obnoxious. I have to say, I find it pretty annoying when I read bloggers whining about not being able to afford ART, then talking about their expensive electronic equipment and the vacations they’re taking. (BTW, as an aside, NONE of the UTERUS recipients solicited their positions. They were nominated and chosen as recipients through the google group that Mel formed for that purpose. Anyone can join that group and be involved in the process.)

Oh, and I am turning on comment moderation. Just because.

Okay. Done.

Now for the updates!

Even though I had my first OB appt 2 weeks ago, I snuck in a last u/s at the RE’s. My next OB appt is on June 1st (NT scan that day, too), there was no way I could stand the anxiety for a full 4 weeks. As Tertia calls it, I needed a “live baby check.”

LOOK!!! A head, a torso and arms and legs!!!! And most importantly, a strong heartbeat.

What a beautiful sight.

*****************

Also can’t resist giving you all a Mushy update. Thanks again for the support during that scary time. He’s doing great. Back to his usual self, wrestling with Wilson and chasing his own tail. (I said he was sweet, not smart! Does anyone know why they chase their own tails?) Sunday night I caught them snuggling in a way I’d never seen before. I was able to get the camera out fast enough.

Awwwwww!

*****************

Okay, just a quick pregnancy related question. What worked best for you for reflux? Still no morning sickness, but the reflux is awful. I’ve tried different brands of antacids, but I’m getting very little relief.

Taking a break.

2009-05-17T23:30:00.002-04:00

I will be taking a break from posting for a while. It's just too stressful right now. Apparently, because I chose to publicly stay out of a volatile conflict, I am ungrateful and uncaring.

I will be reading blogs and occasionally commenting. If you want to know how I'm doing you can email me at dorasblog at gmail.

Thanks.

To Anonymous in Wisconsin

2009-05-17T18:01:00.000-04:00

I could have deleted your comment. I didn’t. I could have turned on comment moderation. I haven’t.

This craziness will only continue if people like you insist on stirring up the shit. The more you stir it, the more it stinks.

You have no idea of what has been discussed behind the scenes.

As for “You don't get to sit this one out because you are pregnant and you don't want to upset the baby”

You know what? I do! I am a nearly 46 year old pregnant woman in my first trimester. This is a high risk pregnancy. You have no idea how stressful all of this has been for me, and the physical toll it has taken. My health and this pregnancy are my first priority. Period. To risk this pregnancy would be to disrespect the enormous gift I have been given.

I’m not exaggerating. Really!

2009-05-15T17:00:00.006-04:00

The Mothers Day Fiasco

Some may think it’s odd that I have kept my mother in the dark about my efforts to become a mom. They ask when I’m going to tell her about my pregnancy. Answer: when I absolutely have to. When I tell people that my mother is extremely self centered, they sometimes think I’m exaggerating. Until I give them some details. Well, this past Mothers Day is a prime example.

I did my duty as a daughter and sent my mother a lovely gift that arrived a few days before the holiday. She really liked it. No surprise. I’m very good at choosing gifts for people. Sunday morning I called her to wish her a happy Mothers Day. All good. No conflict yet. Until Sunday evening, when I received a forwarded email from her.

Here is the content of the email:

Awesome Mom
Once you have been hit, you have to hit 5 awesome Moms..

Including the one who thought of YOU today and sent it to YOU...

If you get hit again, You will know you are Really awesome!

So hit 5 awesome moms on your friends list to let them know they are awesome!

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.!
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom .

Send this to someone who you think is an awesome Mom.

OUCH!!!!!!

My mother and her husband share an email address. He can be a complete idiot, so thinking that maybe he stupidly forwarded it, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and called her.

Me: Did you just forward a Mothers Day email to me?

Mom: (Sounding immediately defensive) What do you mean? I don’t know what you mean.

Me: An email about Mothers Day. Did you forward it to me?

Mom: I’m not sure. I don’t know.

Me: Well, go take a look at it, because it was completely inappropriate to send to me.

I hang up the phone. She calls back a few minutes later.

Mom: I think I meant to send it to someone else.

Me: Do you see how inappropriate that was to send to me?

Mom: (Huffy) I stand corrected. (Then proceeds to change the subject and asks about the cat.)

I hang up the phone again. I then replied to the email, saying: "I stand corrected." is NOT EVEN REMOTELY AN APOLOGY. I have not heard from her since.

The following is an email exchange with my BFF after I told her what happened and sent her the email so she could read it.

BFF: Your mom is really sick. And it says over and over - "to Moms' she is really sick. Thank god you haven't told her anything. Maybe you can avoid it and see how long you get until she figures it out? When the baby is one or two!

I'm only half kidding on the waiting to tell her!

Me: How about you call her when I go into labor!

BFF: Or we could just mail her the Shower invite to Louise's! (Louise is my BFF’s foster mom, who is wonderful, has a fabulous home for parties, and has known me since I was a teenager.)

Me: Ugh! Does she have to come? Maybe we could mail it late so it arrives the day after the shower.

BFF: That would be a pretty funny way to tell her about it! Think on it....

I LOVE HER!

Quick Update

2009-05-14T18:52:00.002-04:00

Sorry about the deleted post. Everyone's fine, it's just been a difficult few days. Will post properly soon. I still have to tell you all about the Mothers Day fiasco. My mother is INCREDIBLE! And I don't mean that in a good way!

Also, I think it may be time for a blog title change. A little scary, but I'm really no longer In Search Of.

Quick update on Mushy: poor guy came home from the vet's with a cold. He's snuffling and sneezing, and sleeping a lot. So still not back to his old self. Vet suggested an extra week of antibiotics. I'm pampering him with stinky wet food (so he can smell it through his stuffy nose) and taking him in the bathroom and running hot showers to help his widdle sinuses drain. Hoping the other cat doesn't catch it.

Mushy Update

2009-05-08T12:25:00.002-04:00

He's coming home today!! The vets were never able to really pinpoint why he was so sick. His bloodwork was normal, except for a low white cell count. He had a fever on Wednesday. When I went to see him Wednesday, he was absolutely miserable. Didn't really care that I was there. Just wanted to curl up in the corner of the cage and be left alone. They were giving him iv fluids and antibiotics. The x-rays of his bowels didn't show an obstruction, but they were still not ruling it out, even though he'd pooped after being hydrated. They gave the poor kitty an enema, too! They suspected it might be pancreatitis, but there isn't any diagnostic test for it, or any real treatment. He'd just have to ride it out. Or, the vet said it could have been a bowel infection and the antibiotics are knocking it out.

Wednesday night they gave him some pain meds, and by yesterday morning he seemed much better. Still not eating, but rubbing up against the cage door, demanding attention. That's my boy! I went to see him again after work. He looked so much better. He ate a little while I was there and snuggled with me a lot. He was really annoyed by the iv in his paw, and the constant crying of another cat must have been upsetting to him.

When I spoke to the vet this morning, he said he was doing much better, but still only eating a little. But the vet thinks he might do better at home now. I think so, too. So I'll pick him up on my way home from work. I'm a little nervous about what the final bill will be, but I'm relieved he didn't need surgery.

Thanks for all the good wishes.

The good and the bad.

2009-05-05T15:27:00.003-04:00

First the good.

First OB appt yesterday. The dr is great! My little one is measuring perfectly on target at 1.47 cm, with a beautiful strong heartbeat of 171 bpm. I HEARD IT!!! I cried. What an incredible sound.

Then I got to meet up with Cassandra from Baby Smiling in Back Seat! We were planning to go to this indulgent French chocolate place (because I'm a proponent of "dessert first"), but they went out of business. So sad. They hadn't updated their website, so we didn't know until we got there. So instead we went for a very nice dinner in Greenwich Village. It was such a pleasure meeting her in person. This had been tentatively planned since February. She thought I'd be pregnant, but she wouldn't be. Instead, we're both pregnant, she's 4 weeks ahead of me, and having TWO!!

Now the bad.

One of my kitties is very sick. He started throwing up (just fluid) Sunday, but I didn't think much of it. Cats throw up, and he seemed his usual self otherwise. But yesterday it continued and he became increasingly listless. Completely unlike him. He is usually the most energetic and affectionate cat. He loves EVERYONE! He'd make friends with a pitbull given the opportunity. By late last night I was really scared. Took him to the vet as soon as they opened this morning. He was very, very dehydrated. The vet suspects a bowel obstruction of some kind. They are hydrating him and running tests. An x-ray doesn't show any obstruction, but the vet said it could just be in a spot that is hard to see. His kidney function is okay. Numbers are slightly elevated, but that's probably just from the dehydration. The bloodwork they ran there came back normal, but we have to wait until tomorrow morning for the rest. I'm really hoping it's just a really bad furball, and that once he's fully hydrated he will pass it. The vet said that was possible, or it could be a foreign object and he might need surgery. I had to give them a $500 deposit today and was told that if he needs surgery, it could be around $2,000. But what can I do? He's a young cat (around 6-7 years old), and this could be a very fixable problem. I'm sad and scared.

My Mushy!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Got Embies?

2009-05-01T12:39:00.002-04:00

It’s been a while since I did a Pay it Forward Fridays post. About time!

If you’ve been reading for a while, you know how amazing my embryo donation story is. It simply would not have happened without this blog and this community. The gift I have received from Aunt K (Angrycanrn) is so beyond words. I have tried many times here, but I still feel I fail in describing how I feel about it.

But you are all so important to me. Each and every comment means so much. You’ve all helped me keep my sanity during each torturous 2 week wait, supported me after each failed cycle, and are now celebrating with me. My hope is that our story may inspire others with frozen embryos to consider directed donation.

As I’ve said, you are all important to me, but I have a special place in my heart for the single moms by choice and those trying to become one. For most of us, this was not how we originally planned to build our families. Most of us hoped for the typical 2 parent family. We tried. Relationships failed, for whatever reason. Mr. Right didn’t come along in time. As I’ve written in the past, in retrospect, I’m grateful that I didn’t become pregnant with Mr. Wrong. The painful custody issues that my friends and family members go through reinforce those feelings. From this perspective, single moms by choice are often in a better position to give their children a less tumultuous childhood that moms who are single by circumstance.

One unfortunate commonality between many SMCs is that while we looked for the ideal situation, our best fertile years slipped away. It wasn’t easy to give up the dream of my own genetic child, but the dream of motherhood was stronger. When I started investigating embryo donation, I looked into clinic programs. These are anonymous. This didn’t sit well with me. Maybe it’s all the adoptees from closed adoptions that I’ve known, but I didn’t want my child to feel like he/she was created with secrets. In my opinion, embryo donation is such a wonderful thing, it deserves open acknowledgement.

I’ve been so lucky. When one door closed, another opened. When things with one woman with embryos to donate didn’t work out, I wrote about it here. Aunt K read what I wrote and contacted me. Thus began our incredible journey. Her understanding of what I was going through and what I was feeling has been incredible. Even though I was going through my last ditch cycle with my own eggs, she committed to donating her embryos to me. She has been a literal safety net in my life. And here I am, 7 weeks, 4 days pregnant. Thanks to her.

So, where does the Pay it Forward fit in this? Well, I’d like to direct you to a couple of my SMC-wannabe bloggy friends. Princess of Tides at No Yolk and Battynurse at I want to be a mommy. I believe both of them will be wonderful mothers. Princess of Tides is currently in the middle of her last ditch IVF with her eggs and Battynurse is in a holding pattern since her last IVF failed. They have both mentioned being uncomfortable with the idea of anonymous embryo donation, so I would encourage you to read their stories if you are considering some kind of open embryo donation. (BTW, if either of them is uncomfortable with me writing this, I will delete reference to them.) It takes a certain amount of strength and determination to decide to pursue motherhood on your own. These are terrific, loving, strong women who’ve simply hit the brick wall of infertility.

It takes a village, people!

**************************

P.S. On another Pay it Forward note, head over to Kristin’s Etsy shop to benefit The Liz Logelin Foundation. I know it’s an odd time of year to buy hats, but they’re so cute! Buy one and tuck it away for the Fall or as an emergency gift.

A Magnificent Flicker

2009-04-27T11:34:00.002-04:00

Here it is!! Measuring right on target at 6 weeks, 6 days, +/- 2 days. I saw the most beautiful little heartbeat.

There is a second, much smaller sac, which is empty. I'm fine with that. Two at once as an SMC sounds VERY overwhelming.

I am cautiously over the moon! The RE gave me an estimated due date of December 15th.

Thank you all for all your support so far. I adore having you all on this journey with me!

I’ve been a bad blogger. (Updated)

2009-04-22T13:12:00.008-04:00

WARNING: Some TMI stuff to follow.

Sorry I’ve been MIA. I have plenty to say, although nothing is really going on during this 2WW for the ultrasound. Just having trouble putting the thoughts together into some posts. So this may be a bit disjointed.

State of the pregnancy.

Still no nausea. (Unless I overeat, which happens sometimes because I get SOOO hungry and wolf stuff down faster than my brain can register.) Occasional crampiness, but it could be constipation, which is a chronic issue for me. (Thank you, stool softener!) Had a teensy bit of spotting Sunday night and Monday morning. Really, calling it spotting is kind of stretching it. It was just a tiny bit of pale brown. Nothing since then. My boobs are ginormous! I’m spilling out of my DDDs. I think I’ve gone up a cup size already. I’m really, really sick of PIO. I think I might have hit a nerve last night. It was hurting all night. (I roll over a lot.) The anxiety while I wait for the ultrasound next Monday is the hardest part. I was going to move it forward to this Friday, but then remembered I am at an all day workshop on Friday. So, NYC peeps, wanna help distract me this weekend? Looks like a perfect weekend to hang in Central Park with some ice cream. (Calcium for the baby!)

Assvice! I think some people are in for some snark.

It’s begun. I knew it was coming, but I wasn’t ready for it. My bad, I told someone at work who I shouldn’t have. The IT guy who I joke around with a lot and has 3 kids (one of whom came to work with him recently and became my instant bud). He overheard me talking to someone, so I told him. Of course, telling him to keep it on the lowdown. Now he’s giving me assvice at every opportunity. He saw me with my Starbux cup yesterday and had to tell me it was bad for me. Now, I have a full post percolating about the myths about caffeine and pregnancy, but I’ll just give you a little preview.

READ THE RESEARCH, PEOPLE!!! There is not a single study that shows any negative effects during pregnancy under 300 mg a day. THAT’S THREE CUPS! Still, most drs recommend limiting it to one cup a day during pregnancy, which is what I have. (*Update* apparently there is one study that shows "an increased risk of fetal growth restriction" with moderate caffeine consumption. This study is linked in the comments of this post. I should have known this would be a controversial thing to post, but this is NOT controversial among REs and OBs. Personally, the way I can pack away food, I'm more concerned about a too large baby than a too small one. Also, most women concerned about caffeine during pregnancy are concerned about the miscarriage risk, which even this study says is not an issue under 300 mg.) There are also now numerous studies that show lots of health benefits from moderate caffeine consumption. My order at Starbux is a tall skim “misto,” their term for a café au lait. Which means my cup is half filled with steamed milk. The thought of getting through my workday with first trimester fatigue without my misto is not good. If you find it comforting to completely abstain from caffeine during your pregnancy, you'll get no judgement from me. But don't judge my perfectly safe one cup a day!

Trying to think of the best comeback when I next get assvice from this guy. At the moment, I’m thinking of just saying, “Unsolicited advice to a hormonal woman? Not a good idea.” Any other suggestions?

Informal poll here. Please respond in the comments. Did you get morning sickness? If so, what week did it start?

For Aunt K

2009-04-15T12:16:00.001-04:00

Angrycanrn and I have been signing emails to each other with “Aunt” for months now. Honorary Aunt is the type of relationship we anticipate with each other’s children. These terms of affection are just a little something extra in our communications with each other.

I keep thinking about how I can possibly acknowledge the magnitude of her gift to me. Mostly, my thoughts keep returning to her faith in me. Her faith in trusting me with her husband’s DNA, with her children’s full genetic siblings. These embryos are a part of her husband’s legacy. The legacy of someone who left this world too soon. More precious than I can possibly express.

I want to give back to her. We have discussed a possibility, but it’s too soon to really plan that. But I want to honor her gift and her husband.

I was raised Jewish, but not religious. Yet there are customs and traditions that are deeply ingrained. One is Jewish baby naming customs. Ashkenazi Jews (Jews of Eastern European descent) name their children for deceased family members. It would feel beyond strange to me to name my child for someone still living. We honor the deceased relative by using either their name or choosing a name with the same first initial as the deceased family member. My niece, Julie Diana, was named for both her great grandmothers, Julia and Dora. I have long been planning to name my child for my father, Stanley, who died when I was 17, but I now want to also give my child an “M” name for Aunt K’s husband, Mark. I’m not revealing my name choices, but boy or girl, there will be an “S” and there will be an “M.” I’m also leaning towards 2 middle names for a girl, to add in a “J” name for my friend’s father. I’m referring to my friend who donated his sperm during my attempts to get pregnant with my own eggs. His attempts to help me create my family brought us closer, and even though it didn’t work, we are family. (And I really like the way the “J” name sounds with the first name!)

It warms my heart to think of naming my child to honor Mark. I hope it warms Aunt K’s heart, too. He lives on in our children.

Fourth Beta — Guess I'm REALLY Knocked Up!

2009-04-14T15:42:00.003-04:00

2,541!!! Pretty damn pregnant! Looks to me like solid singleton numbers. The RE I grabbed for a minute this morning agreed. I have the ultrasound scheduled for April 27th with my favorite RE. (The one who squealed and gave me hug the morning of my first beta when I told her I'd been getting positive pee sticks for the previous 3 days.)

I have so much to say and much I want to write, but my brain is just swirling right now! Thank you all for the bloggy love and support. I particularly appreciated the comments on my last post. I knew my peeps would understand.

Because I'm a NUT!

2009-04-12T22:11:00.002-04:00

My mother called this evening and got me all pissy. (No, I did not tell her the news.) So, to make myself feel better, I peed on a stick! It helped somewhat. I have a whole bunch of cheapies I bought on ebay. They're definitely not as sensitive as the expensive ones, but at this point my hCG is plenty high enough.

Third Beta

2009-04-11T15:37:00.003-04:00

862!! Pretty prefect doubling time! Canadian RE want me to get betas until I hit 1400, the schedule the ultrasound for a week or so later. After this one, she said to wait 4 days for the next beta. I should be well over 1400 by then!

Woohooo! This is feeling more real. The only symptom is still tiredness. No nausea yet. Maybe I'll be lucky. I would think I should have some morning sickness with these numbers. My hCG levels seem to be on the high side of singleton rates, but I've come to the conclusion that you just can't tell until the ultrasound. I've heard of twins with lower numbers and singletons with higher numbers. So I've decided not to worry about it until the day of the ultrasound.

I actually have an OB appt set up! That really makes it feel more real. I kept hearing how tough it could be to get in with the best ones in NYC, so I called last Monday. Yes, before the first beta! This dr has to approve you as a patient before you can get an appt. I gave the secretary my info, basically, my age and that I'm on lovenox. The secretary called me back a couple of days later and gave me an appt for May 4th. So I have an appt with a MFM (Maternal Fetal Medicine AKA high risk OB) specialist at the hospital rated #1 for labor and delivery in NYC. Fine, call me obsessively proactive.

Thank you all for the wonderful support!

Actions Speak Louder Than Words — SOCKSESS!!

2009-04-10T09:57:00.005-04:00

Hard to slow down my brain right now to write my “Sock It To Me” post, but I’ll try.

Kymberli at I’m a Smart One had the great idea. The Great Sock It To Me Exchange. From her original post about the idea:

“The warmth you feel from your bloggy support is a warm and fuzzy pair of snuggly socks (metaphor!). Take the support with you for a trip to the stirrups. Wear them when you're chasing around your battle-won little person. Put them on when you have something to celebrate or when you need a hug. Wear them as a physical reminder of all the people inside your computer who you know care for and are thinking of you.”

I fell in love with the idea immediately. What a great way to celebrate this community and the VERY REAL things we do for each other! I’d already been the recipient of “lucky socks.” Before my cycle with my poor old ovaries last November, a caring blogger email me to ask if she could send me lucky socks for my cycle. I wrote about how cared for it made me feel here. Before my first FET in February, Angrycanrn sent me more lucky socks and some awesome beads.

My sock buddy was Betty Rubble at I Married Barney, Now What? She sent me the most adorable socks and a lovely handmade card! They arrived just in time for me wear in the stirrups for a lining check. Since this cycle seems to have worked, they are now officially lucky socks!

Here is a photo of one foot in the stirrup. Could really take a wide shot by myself, and yeah, I hadn’t shaved my legs. After going to this clinic for so long, on a cold morning, I JUST DON’T CARE!

Now, as to the title of this post and how it relates the sock exchange and our corner of the blogosphere. It came to me as was scrolling through my iPod the other day. It’s a cliché phrase, but it’s also one of my favorite lyrics by Jonathan Larson, who wrote Rent, from another show of his. You can download the song here. I looked for a video clip, but couldn’t find a good quality one. This is the chorus:

"Cages or wings,
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds
Fear or love, baby
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words"

Many would say that all our blogs are just words on the internet, but our community is so much more than that. If it weren’t for this community, Angrycanrn and I would not have connected, and I would not be pregnant today. Cassandra sent her massage therapist friend to my hotel room for an amazing massage before my first FET. Our community helped finance Calliope’s FET and now her baby is HERE!!! We have donated expensive meds to each other. (BTW, my dear friend and fellow SMC wannabe, Princess of Tides needs meds for her next cycle. Please help if you can.) We helped a deserving couple, who’ve had so much heartache, go on a vacation. We helped ease someone’s pain by helping her with the ridiculous co-pay bill she received after surgery for an ectopic. We never know when a heartfelt comment will be the very thing that gets someone through their day. Sending each other socks is a perfect symbol of how we care for each other.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS! But our words are pretty awesome, too!

425!!!

2009-04-09T16:39:00.004-04:00

The email I received from Angrycanrn a few hours ago: "The WWW is clamouring for an update! Can you hear the chants?"

Beta #2 is in. 425!! That's an increase of 118%. Perfect! Above average, but not crazy.

Thank you all for the bloggy love. Monty, your comment touched me so much. Thank you. Kristin, I'm on 30 mg of lovenox. I think that's the lowest dose.

Keeping this brief, 'cause I'm busy working on my "Sock It To Me" post.

SNORK IS HERE!!!!

2009-04-08T09:37:00.002-04:00

Calliope at Creating Motherhood had her little boy!!! Details to come, but I am so beyond thrilled for her! What a week! This baby is here because of the efforts of this community. Cali was the first recipient of The U.T.E.R.U.S. Brigade's fundraising efforts. YAY for us!

Can't wait to see pictures of this little boy. Congrats to mom, the new grandma and great grandma!!!

195!!!!!!

2009-04-07T15:50:00.003-04:00

I'm just thrilled! And tired. No other symptoms yet. I'm bruised beyond belief from the lovenox. A few people have suggested arnica. I'm not a big believer in topicals, I think they mostly have placebo effects, but the bruising is BAD! I have a bruise just from the tape used after my blood draw this morning! What do you think, internets?

Thank you all for your love and continued support!

Well, better get back to pretending to work!

P.S. Go buy a hat!

Please go shopping for a GREAT cause!

2009-04-05T18:11:00.004-04:00

Been meaning to post this. Since my stats are WAY up, now seems like a good time.

Recently I received an email from an Etsy seller I featured here back in October. She had some beautiful, hand crocheted hats she wanted to donate to help support The Liz Logelin Foundation, which she found out about through some of my posts. She didn't have the time to handle the listings, and I was feeling overwhelmed by my upcoming FET, so I tried to think of someone with a big heart who might be able to tackle the job. I very quickly thought of Kristin. She is such an amazing asset to our community. A more loving woman would be hard to find. Check out her post about the project, and the Etsy shop she set up. Now go shop! I know it's an odd time to buy hats, but come Fall you'll be glad you did. They're so beautiful!

LOOK HOW CUTE!!!

It's DARKER!!!

2009-04-05T12:58:00.003-04:00

Out of consideration for those still trying and having rough time, I won't post this as my Show and Tell post. BUT LOOK!!

So glad I figured out how to do this today. Sometimes I'm quite clever. After spending time with the Apple tech on the phone trying to start up my macbook, I remembered about the bootable external hard drive I created. Fired it up, and was briefly able to access my damaged internal drive and back up my documents. And I'm able to work with it and post pictures. I still need to take the macbook to the computer hospital. Haven't decided whether to do it today or not. Maybe I'll be lucky and they'll have the right hard drive in stock and can just swap them out, so I don't have to leave it behind.

Anyway, back the the PREGNANCY!!! It's so reassuring to see the line get darker. I'm going to wait until Tuesday to go in for the first beta (13dp2dt), so the number will be reassuring, and so the 2nd beta will be Thursday, when my boss is out, so it won't be a big deal if I'm late for work.

As to how I'm feeling about all this, I'm terrified, but relieved, if that makes sense. I'm overwhelmed with love and gratitude for Angrycanrn. And proud that we made it happen ON OUR TERMS! I keep looking at pictures of her twins, especially their baby pics. JUICY! Now that they're 3, they're beautiful lean children, but OH! they were roly poly babies! My favorite kind. J in particular had the juiciest thighs! What delicious dumplings! I'm just imagining my dumpling baby. A wonderful feeling.

Thank you all for your love and support.

Dead Hard Drive

2009-04-04T20:46:00.002-04:00

No clever title. Of all days, it looks like my computer's hard drive might be dead. (Thank goodness for Apple Care!) Typing this on my iTouch. Thank you all for the wonderful comments. I will keep updating with my iTouch, but it's hard typing on it, so I may not be returning many comments the rest of the weekend. Hopefully, it will be fixed soon. And I will be able to comment more and post photos from work on Monday. xoxo

Saturday Pee Report

2009-04-04T09:25:00.005-04:00

Guess I'm kind of knocked up!

The line showed up in less than 3 minutes, and I don't even have to squint at it in bright light to see it!!!!

Here's a close-up.

Check out the triplets!

2009-04-03T19:06:00.003-04:00

NO, not those kind of triplets! Did you know it's National Cleavage Day? Seems all the cool girls are showing off their cleavage. I hate to be left out. I wear a 32DDD, thus the nickname "the triplets."

I took this photo with my cell phone when my friend's baby fell asleep on my chest.

Come on, join the fun! Let's see your boobies!

Screwed!

2009-04-01T12:33:00.001-04:00

Thank you UnitedWealthcare! Just got off the phone with my insurance company. I’m pissed. Now I know that many of you have no IF coverage at all, but I was counting on some reimbursement for my transfers. My bank balance is scary. I have some IF coverage, but it has a cap. A fairly low one. There’s no way it would cover another IVF with my eggs, but I should still have enough coverage for these last 2 FETs.

I called UnitedWealthcare in December to check on my international coverage. I was told it was treated as out of network. So theoretically, I should be reimbursed 80% of “reasonable and customary” charges. When I returned from Canada after my transfer in February I submitted the bill for the transfer. I kept checking the status on the website, and it said “In Process.” On March 11th I called to check what was going on. The recorded information said the claim was denied, so I got a person on the phone. I was then transferred to a Resolution Specialist. She told me the claim needed to go through the International Claims Department. She said she would transfer the claim over, and it should be process in about 10 days. I was also given the International Claims Department address, so I could submit the next bill properly.

Fast forward to today. Boss is out, so I had the privacy to call and follow up. This time after being transferred and put on hold a few times, I’m told that my international coverage is ONLY FOR EMERGENCY CARE! WTF!! I was absolutely not told this before. The Resolution Specialist I spoke to today said I could appeal the denial. I will, but I doubt it will help. I feel completely misled.

Any suggestions for the appeal? There’s no reason for UnitedWealthcare to know that the embryos were moved to Canada from MI. The MI clinic would not treat me because I’m not married, and moving them to another US clinic would likely have been impossible due to FDA regulations. I thought I’d write in the appeal that I went to Canada for treatment because that’s where the embryos were, and that embryologists feel that it’s risky to move embryos and thaw them in a different lab than where they were created. Some embryologists do believe this, and some clinics have terrible thaw rates with embryos from other clinics. Also, what do you think about pointing out that because Canadian fees are lower than the US, that they would have had to pay out significantly more if I’d had the transfer here?

DAMN!

**************

In other news, no news. Too soon to POAS. Today is 7dp2dt. Any symptoms can be attributed to the estrace and progesterone. For some reason (self protection?) I’m not feeling as hopeful about this cycle. Even though everything looked good and went smoothly, I’m feeling low.

Because I’m special, DAMN IT!!

2009-03-28T19:54:00.003-04:00

I’m home.

Sorry I haven’t updated. I’ve been very tired, and, frankly, sad. I’ll explain the sad part, but let me update chronologically.

Insanely early morning flight on Wednesday. Dropped my bags at the hotel and took a cab to the clinic. Short wait, then the u/s tech checked my bladder and said it wasn’t full enough. (I just had to pee when I got off the plane.) Chugged a LOT of water. Definitely full enough, but then the RE was delayed with a hysteroscopy. The tech handed me a small cup and said I could pee just that much. Damn, it’s hard to stop once you start peeing when your bladder is painfully full. Still waiting, so the u/s tech checked me again. “Oh, you’re very full!” Duh! Handed me another cup and said I could fill it 1 ½ times. OY!

Then the RE was ready. Last time we transferred 3 lovely day 2 embryos and I did not get pregnant. This time we decided on 4. They all survived the thaw with all cells intact. Although, honestly, I really don’t think one of them counts, as it was only 1 cell. We transferred a 5 cell, two 4 cell, and the little 1 cell. Then I lay on the table in bladder agony until I could get up to pee. I swear, it felt like I peed for 5 minutes straight. I know it wasn’t really that long, but it sure felt like it.

Why am I feeling sad? At my urging, the RE checked my progesterone levels. Let me preface this by saying that before I started cycling I did a lot of research on the effectiveness of vaginal versus intramuscular progesterone (PIO). Here are a few research articles: one, two, three. My NY RE is adamant about vaginal progesterone being as effective as PIO. When I consulted another top NY RE before cycling and asked him about the research, he agreed with it, but said he prefers PIO because there was a problem several years ago with one brand of vaginal progesterone. So, I felt fairly confident about not needing to stick myself in the ass with a long, large gauge needle. The day of my FET last month I had my levels checked as well, since I had read about the exceptions who do not absorb it well vaginally. It was a bit low, so the RE told me to add more. Progesterone supplements are very important for a FET since there is no corpus luteum (empty egg follicle) producing progesterone. At the time I was using four 200mg capsules up the hooha a day. She had me add an additional three 100mg prometrium pills per day. Also up the hooha. So I was poking progesterone up there SEVEN times a day. We figured that would be enough.

Anyway, as I said, at my request, we checked my levels on Wednesday before I left the clinic. As the last time, I was shoving a lot of progesterone where the sun don’t shine. Shortly after I got back to my hotel I got a call from the RE. My levels sucked. I was so exhausted at this point, but I got in a cab and went back to the clinic for a vial of PIO and some big scary needles. Even though there was no reason to think I wouldn’t absorb vaginal progesterone well, I’m feeling guilt and sadness for the 3 beautiful embies that were transferred last month.

Although I have every reason to be hopeful about this cycle, I’m feeling the failure of the last cycle all over again.

Any tips from self PIOers? A friend used em1a cream. Any thoughts on that? So far I have found it easiest to inject while sitting. Easier to twist around and keep the syringe steady. I have also added 1ovenox (blood thinner) injections this cycle as a precaution, since I have a heterozygous MTHFR gene mutation. This single mutation is generally not thought to cause thrombophilia, but we are being proactive. But because of the 1ovenox, I am much more apt to bruise badly from the big PIO needles. The last couple of nights I used a warm compress on my butt (used the little hotel room coffee maker to heat up water, then poured it over a washcloth), but I think that contributed to the BIG bruise (about 3”x1”) I have on one side. And that’s the side I have to inject again tonight. Damn. I was thinking about trying an ice pack this time. Suggestions please.

So there you have it. Good times.

Let the 2WW insanity begin!

Quick update.

2009-03-26T22:13:00.002-04:00

Sorry I haven't reported in. I've been VERY tired. Flew up VERY early the morning of transfer, and hardly slept the night before. Transfer was actually Wednesday. The thaw and transfer went well. Today I got together with another cool blogger, Decemberbaby, who I met on the last trip. I still need to catch up on my sleep. Switched rooms today after being woken up by a screaming fight in the next room at 4am. The front desk said they were not checking out, so they gave me a new room.

Will update with more details soon. Thank you all for your good thoughts and prayers. xoxo!!!

Mel’s Show and Tell — A Cautionary Tale

2009-03-23T15:22:00.004-04:00

Coming late to Show and Tell this week. This week I have a “Tell.”

“Advanced Reproductive Age”

“Advanced Maternal Age”

That’s the diagnosis for us older women. I’ve even heard the term “Geriatric Maternal Age!” YIKES! I knew as I was getting older that it could be harder to conceive, but I really didn’t know the cold, hard facts until my first RE visit. No gynecologist ever warned me. I knew once I hit 35 that the chances of genetic abnormalities increased, but I still thought I had a good chance of getting pregnant. Maybe I’d need some clomid or something.

I have a cousin who was anovulatory who got pregnant her second month on clomid. A friend in her late 30s got pregnant on her second IVF, but she’s a DES daughter, so I didn’t think her situation applied to me. Another friend tried some DIUIs as a single woman in her late 30s that didn’t work. But she had irregular cycles and told me that her hormone levels were very bad. (I didn’t know about FSH and all that stuff at the time.) My cycles were like clockwork. I’d never gotten pregnant, but I’d been so careful when I was younger. As I got older, I was less careful. I figured I was just missing the “window.” I spent most of my 30s and early 40s working freelance and had no insurance. I would just pay out of pocket for my annual pap and the occasional dr’s visit.

Then at 44 I was hired by the company I’d been freelancing for. I made my first RE appointment. I was stunned to hear the dr tell me, without any testing yet, that at my age, we needed to go straight to IVF. He said that when a woman is in her 20s, 90% of her eggs are genetically normal. At 44, at least 90% of my eggs are genetically abnormal. I was told that even with IVF, at the maximum dose of medication, I had a less than 5% chance getting pregnant and bringing home a baby. That if I did manage to get pregnant, the miscarriage rate at my age is 50%. Cold. Hard. Facts.

Then I started the testing process and found I had a polyp in my uterine lining that was certain to prevent implantation. It was right past my cervix. Two drs looking at my HSG films said I basically had a homegrown IUD. So whatever fertility I’d had the previous years was screwed by this damn growth. The last few years of OPKs and baby dancing were a waste of money and pee.

The polyp was removed, and after SIX cancelled IVF cycles, I managed to get to retrieval and transfer. I had one lone embryo. My RE said my chances of success on that cycle were about 1%. As you know, I was not in that 1%. But getting that far has made it easier to move on.

Why am I sharing this? I know most of you are aware of these facts, but if I can save one woman the heartache I’ve endured, it’s worth sharing. I was inspired to share this by a woman I met in the waiting room last Friday while waiting for my lining check. Usually people make an effort not to interact in the waiting room, but I’m chatty, and it’s so damn boring. Everyone sitting there is going through something difficult. Why shouldn’t we connect? So, I’m talking to this woman, she’s 37 and going through her first IVF. As we talked more, it turns out she’s not really feeling ready for motherhood yet, but she has great insurance coverage, so she is planning to freeze all her embryos for future use. I WAS SO DAMN IMPRESSED! Proactive fertility treatment! Awesome!

It’s so easy to live in denial and just hope that everything will work as it should when the time is right. Biology doesn’t wait for us. Brava to this woman for taking action. She wasn’t doing this fearlessly. She has a fear of needles and sometimes faints at blood draws. And she was really scared about the retrieval. BUT SHE WAS DOING IT ANYWAY! Again, BRAVA!!!

So that’s my cautionary tale. Don’t forget to see what the rest of the class is showing.

Send In The Clowns????

2009-03-20T12:54:00.001-04:00

Came across this link on a message board. Had to share. Bwahahahaha!!! But wait, what if you’re clown phobic? Technically known as Coulrophobia. Now I’m not phobic, but my father surprised me by showing up at my 5th birthday party in a clown costume. I didn’t recognize him and was freaked out by this 6’ tall clown towering over me. Doubt that would be good for implantation!

Now, for cycling and traveling news. Final lining check was this morning. One of my favorite REs was not scheduled to do monitoring this morning, but popped over to do my ultrasound. Sweet! Her exact words were, “Your lining is beautiful!” It measured 12.5mm this morning. Let’s hope this was the LAST empty uterus ultrasound. I’ll start progesterone on Sunday.

Travel plans — OY! Had a mini meltdown on Wednesday after pinpointing the date with the Canadian RE and then checking airfares. (Hormonal much?) My original plan was to fly up after work on Tuesday for the transfer Wednesday morning. Well, let’s just say the airfare for that was INSANE! About 3 times what I paid last month. I emailed the RE about the logistics of taking an early morning flight Wednesday morning and going straight to the clinic from the airport. This will still be almost twice what I paid last month, but what can I do. She thought that would be fine and was very reassuring. So, please think good flying weather thoughts for me early Wednesday morning! (BTW, I saved a few dollars on my tickets by choosing in advance not to check luggage, so please no big gifties to the hotel, or it will cost me $50 to check a bag on the way home!)

Got the same hotel as last time bidding on Price1ine. A little more than last time, but only about $4 a night more. Still a fantastic bargain. And I know the lay of the land there now. I know what’s good on the room service menu and what’s not. I know where the closest convenience store is, so I can stock up on soft drinks and munchies without paying mini bar prices.

Feeling sad that I may not get to see Angrycanrn this trip. She’s currently out of town dealing with her ailing father in law. He’s damn lucky she’s willing to help him, considering how he’s treated her and the kids! I’m hoping things are resolved soon, so she’ll be home in time, but if not, I know she’ll be there in spirit.

I will have you all with me in spirit! And of course I will have my computer with me to keep you updated.

Looking good!

2009-03-18T15:41:00.004-04:00

I know you were all waiting for an update yesterday, but I didn't hear from the Canadian RE until today. Went in to the local clinic yesterday (CD8). Lining measured 8mm, one follie at 11mm. Found out today that the blood work was fine. I will go in for a final lining check on Friday. Assuming all is good, I will start progesterone Sunday and the transfer will be next Wednesday! I'm really hoping Angrycanrn can be there for the transfer this time. Time to start checking airfares!

BTW, to be filed under "People Are Stupid," went to a physical therapist for the first time Monday for my foot. I explained that I didn't want to have him use a topical anti-inflammatory because of the upcoming FET. So he tells me that he and his (30 year old!) wife were trying to conceive for quite a while (I didn't ask how long, 'cause I didn't want to hear the stupid response), and that she got pregnant as soon as she gave up coffee. Ummm, yeah, right.

Up The Hill Backwards

2009-03-16T17:09:00.004-04:00

Sometimes it’s just one line of a song that strikes a chord. I’ve been ripping my old CDs, and this one line of Bowie’s jumped out at me. Up the hill backwards. Yeah, that’s as good a description as any.

Been meaning to update and respond to a couple of questions. So strange not to be injecting ANYTHING this time. Doesn’t really feel like I’m cycling. Just taking my estrogen. To answer Calliope’s question, I am taking 4mg orally 3x a day. The dose will probably stay the same. Normally I would just go in for a lining check after 10 days on estrogen, but since I need to request the time off from work and make travel arrangements, I will go in tomorrow, after 6 days, to see where things are. It feels surreal that the transfer should be sometime early next week.

Mo asked if it felt good to be back in the process. Ummm, yes and no. Flushing away the remains of my fluffy, triple stripe lining made me sad. Certainly starting again right away feels better than waiting. WAITING IS THE WORST!!! But, as I said, it doesn’t really feel like I’m doing anything. Maybe tomorrow’s monitoring appointment will help. Once I can request the days off and make flight and hotel reservations, I might feel more in the swing of this cycle.

Mostly, I’ve just been feeling down. My back hurts. I pulled something in my upper back rolling over in bed Saturday morning. How lame is that? My foot is really hurting. Anyone have any suggestions for relieving planter fasciitis without anti-inflammatories?

Anyway, to end things on a more upbeat note, and in keeping with the 80s music theme. I’m trying to make this my theme song.

One way or another I'm gonna find ya
I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha
…
One day, maybe next week ...

What's your theme song these days?

Must add this nut to my blogroll!

2009-03-13T16:31:00.002-04:00

I will definitely be writing a real post soon. I want to answer the questions from commenters on my last post. But I just had to share this link. OMFG!!!! Cecily at Uppercase Woman linked to it today. I just can't stop laughing! All I have to do is think about this post and I crack up. So, if you need a laugh (and who doesn't) go read this post by The Blogess.

Maybe This Time

2009-03-11T16:26:00.003-04:00

Frozen Embryo Transfer, take two.

CD2 today. Went in to local clinic for blood work and ultrasound. All clear to begin. Start taking estrogen pills today. Normally with this type of cycle I would go in again for a lining check after 10 days on estrogen, but since I will need to make travel plans and ask for time off from work, I will go in after 6 or 7 days to see how things are progressing, and hopefully we will be able to firm up the transfer date.

Again, I'm sorry I've been a lousy commenter. Please bear with me. I'm reading and thinking of you all.

**********************

Check out this interesting article about how some things are actually easier for single moms. Cool!

Officially Not Pregnant — It's Gonna Take a Village (edited with extra info added)

2009-03-07T10:52:00.008-05:00

No surprise. Actually yesterday wasn't as bad a day as it could have been. But I did wind up with a migraine, sleeping away a good chunk of the day. So no energy to post. Did you read the comments on my last post? So many people who want to actively help me get pregnant. It will happen. Sometimes embies just don't stick. I'm just going to have faith that that's what happened this time. My lining looked fabulous, I had an SHG before this cycle, so I know my uterus looks like a hospitable place for a good, long stay, I've had extra blood work done to check for any immune or clotting issues. There appears to be no reason I can't get pregnant and stay pregnant.

Regarding Angrycanrn's incredibly generous offer to help me do an egg donor cycle, I'm not physically or emotionally there yet. Emotionally, I'm really attached to these possible little redheads. While I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that she wants me to have the best odds possible, I have a hard time believing that there isn't a healthy baby in this proven batch of embryos created with a fertile 23 year old's eggs. Out of 10 embies, I believe there will be a baby. I believe I will be mommy to J and E's little sib. (Please let him or her have E's temperment!! Angrycanrn will have to explain that!) (*ETA* Even though the assholes in MI froze them randomly, their SART stats are very good for donor egg FETs. Also, even though they didn't stick, that the thaw on these last 3 went well is also a good sign.) Physically, I think I have lupron PTSD. I was talking to someone the other day who described it as feeling like having the flu. That's pretty accurate. And the migraines were awful. Full blown, scary aura and all. I'm having a hard time just thinking about shooting up lupron again. I start feeling anxious at the thought. So we are going to try a non-lupron FET protocol this time.

I haven't gotten the full info from the RE yet (maybe some of you who've done this kind of cycle could share? Cali?), but I'll go in on day 2 to my local clinic and then start high doses of estrogen. I'm assuming I'll need a bit more monitoring with this protocol than with the suppression protocol. The RE said we could add an antagon (i.e., ganre1ix) if it looked like I was going to ovulate too soon. Does anyone know, do the high doses of E2 generally prevent early ovulation. With this kind of cycle, I probably will have to wait until pretty much the last minute to buy the plane tickets and request the time off from work, but if it means I can avoid lupron, that's fine. I have heard that some clinics are getting higher FET success rates with this protocol.

OH, MY!! Did you read the response to my last post from Tessa??? It's obvious why I love her and her daughters so much. And her daughter's offer!!!! WOW! I read this when I got up yesterday to go in for what I knew would be a negative beta. I started crying when I read this. Thank you so much, sweetie. That you would think to be so generous says everything about your heart! And I'm pleased that I could indirectly give Tessa a moment of sweetness with her teenager. I hear sweet moments can be few and far between with teenagers. Ah, all part of the package, along with poopy diapers and projectile vomiting.

A pair of awesome women. Tessa and her daughter.
Aren't they and Claire a great excuse to visit Europe?

Sorry I haven't been a good commenter lately. Hopefully, I'll have amazing energy when hopped up on just lots of estrogen. Hmmm, some personal toys might get a good workout. (Note to self: AA and AAA)

Family of Choice — Love Trumps Blood

2009-03-05T14:36:00.003-05:00

I know I’m not the only one with a screwy family. Many are way worse than mine, but still, it can be difficult. Which is why “family of choice” becomes so important.

I’ve mentioned one of my oldest friends (we met the first day of high school, in homeroom) who, after having her son in October, when the NICU nurse asked who I was, said I was her sister. And meant it.

Angrycanrn and I are building an extended family type of relationship for our children. Her faith in my parenting abilities means the world to me. Boy, does she want to see me knocked up! She truly feels like a long lost sister. If she needed me, I would drop everything and fly up to be there for her and her children.

One of the things I’m finding painful about the failure of this cycle is the irrational feeling that I’ve let her down. I know that’s crazy. I just wound up on the wrong side of the odds this time. I kind of felt the same way after my cycle with my own eggs and Donor Daddy’s sperm. Calling him to tell him I wasn’t pregnant was so hard. He’s family, too.

A few weeks ago I was on the phone with my friend Tessa. (Not her real name, but a short version of her user name from the IVF message boards where we met.) Tessa is an American married to a Dutch man and living in the Netherlands. Let’s just say the way the Dutch handle IVF is negligent. They barely did any testing or monitoring. They basically just said, “This is the dose we give women your age.” I think she was nearly 40 when she started her cycle. She wound up with severe OHSS. She really should have been hospitalized, but given the treatment she’d already received, maybe it’s better she wasn’t. She got much better medical advice from the women on the message boards than from her doctors. Her baby girl is truly a miracle.

But I’m rambling, back to the topic at hand. Tessa first became pregnant as an unmarried 19 year old. Her family disowned her and completely rejected the daughter she had then. She was a young, frightened girl, with a complicated pregnancy, and then a preemie with lots of issues. But she managed. Her family NEVER rose to the occasion. She met her husband when in her late 30s and moved (along with her grown daughter) to Europe to be with him. We met in person when I was there on vacation last Spring. We felt an immediate kinship. Back to the phone call of a few weeks ago. Tessa asked me if I would consider being their daughter’s guardian if anything were to happen to both her and her husband. (Her husband’s family members are too old to take on a child.) Again, what incredible faith in my (unproven) mothering abilities. They are both healthy, and I don’t anticipate needing to take her, but of course I would. I love little Claire. I would raise her as if she were my own. All the while telling her stories of her kooky, big hearted mom.

I feel at a loss for what to say to wrap this up, but I’ll try. As hard as the failure of this cycle is, I am still so lucky. My heart is full with all this love. I’m a single woman with a rockin’ family of choice! Not to mention a whole bunch of internet friends who have been there for me every step of the way. Hang on everyone. The ride’s not over!

Delicious Claire napping in the hat Aunt Dora bought for her from the UTERUS Brigade's Etsy shop. Hand knitted by Rachel at Henry Street.

Thursday Pee Report (Resenting Progesterone)

2009-03-05T09:39:00.003-05:00

To all those who have been remaining hopeful, I thank you, but you are all delusional! 13dp2dt and not even a tiny hint of a line. My urine is hCG free. If I got a positive beta tomorrow it would not be good news. There's just no way at this point that this cycle will produce a viable pregnancy. Right now I just want to get the word that I can stop shoving progesterone up the vag. Part of me want to just stop, but I'll wait until tomorrow. I'm really getting annoyed every time I do it.

Thanks again for all the bloggy love.

Wednesday Pee Report (I don't think there's a chance in Hell.)

2009-03-04T09:38:00.002-05:00

First Response says NO. I think the cheapies I have are the same anyway. I bought them on ebay and the seller said they were generic FR. They look exactly the same, like they were manufactured in the same factory. But I went to the drugstore and bought the box anyway. They were on sale for $14.99 (box of 2 tests). Maybe I'll pick up another box for the next cycle. I'm still sticking the progesterone up the hooha and taking the estrace, and will wait for Friday to go in for the beta. I'd skip it, but at least that is covered by insurance. I think I'm going to take the day off as a personal day, so I can go back home and hide under the covers until I get call saying stop meds.

Sucks! I'm so cranky and depressed, I'm not functioning well at work.

Going across the street for my coffee and I think I need some morning chocolate.

Tuesday Pee Report (A little too soon to book plane tickets, but ...)

2009-03-03T09:46:00.002-05:00

I have never seen a positive pregnancy test. NEVER! Sucks. 11dp2dt should show something.

Today's test was a cheapie. Going to buy some First Responses today, but from what I understand the cheapies are just as sensitive.

Emailed the RE last night. She wants me to wait until Friday for the beta. Now my fear is beta hell. (For those not in the know, that means a low number on the pregnancy blood test that usually indicates a non-viable pregnancy, like an ectopic (embryo implants in fallopian tube) or an early miscarriage.) She said I can start right away on day 2 if the beta is negative. I'm thinking about trying a natural cycle this time, as I was so miserable on lupron. I need to do some research about just how precise the timing needs to be, since I'm coming from out of town. It also makes me nervous because of my age. Ovulating early during a naturally timed FET will screw it up, and at my age, my ovaries are unreliable.

Thanks again everyone for all the support.

Monday Pee Report :-(

2009-03-02T09:59:00.002-05:00

Zip. 10dp2dt. I know I'm not out of the game yet, but hope is receding. I want to hide under the covers.

Thanks for all the support and lovely comments.

No line (yet).

2009-03-01T10:32:00.002-05:00

Hopefully just too early. Maybe it means it's a singleton taking his/her time snuggling in.

I did have a major gagging episode yesterday. Opened an old jar of hair gel I hadn't used in a while and the smell was so vile and overpowering. Didn't throw up, but almost. Hoping it's a good sign.

Thanks for all the good thoughts.

How soon did you get a positive pee stick?

2009-02-27T10:22:00.003-05:00

Thanks for the beet ideas. For some reason, butter hadn't occurred to me at all. Going to try something with butter tonight. I love that I can cook up a whole lot and then season them in small portions. Keep the ideas coming. BTW, for those like me, who love beets but were intimidated by cooking them, it really is easy. Peeling them is messy, but quick. Latex gloves kept my hands from getting stained, and intend to keep using the same pair as my "beet gloves" until they tear.

Okay internets, when do you think I should do it? I was thinking Sunday, which is 9dp2dt (that's 9 days post 2 day transfer for those not up on the lingo, or 11 days post ovulation (if it were a natural conception)).

Those of you who've had success, please tell me when you got a second line. I've been fairly calm so far, but I'm starting to get anxious. I WANT TO KNOW!!

Chocolate and Beets

2009-02-26T21:32:00.002-05:00

Strange combo, I know. Still nothing happening yet. So this will be a boring post.

I'm enjoying the yummy chocolate that Angrycanrn sent me for my transfer. Chocolate makes sweet babies, right? That's my theory and I'm sticking to it.

About beets, lately I've been really into them, but I'd never cooked them myself. There are a couple of gourmet takeout places near my office that make good beet salads, but they're expensive. I knew in theory that they were easy to cook, so I picked up a couple of bunches on my way home tonight. Trimmed them, rinsed and dried them, then wrapped them in tin foil and roasted them until tender. Tossed some with some salad dressing I had in the fridge, but left most of them unseasoned for later. They were yummy, but I need some good seasoning/dressing suggestions. Please help!

6dp2dt

Baby See, Baby Do!

2009-02-23T18:37:00.002-05:00

Love those lolcats!

Just a little diversion, since all I'm doing is waaaaaaaiiiiiiiiting.

Mel’s Show & Tell — My Canadian Adventure!

2009-02-22T12:06:00.006-05:00

If you're here from ICLW. My story is kind of complicated. I have listed a few posts on my sidebar that summarize my journey. It's still a lot to read, so please don't feel obligated to read it all. Thanks for stopping by.

For Show and Tell I thought I'd share more pictures from my trip. Of course the picture in this post is my favorite!

Here a shot from my hotel window when I got up to get ready for my transfer Friday morning. Phoebe said it looked like I was staying in a helicopter. My room was on the 25th floor.

Late afternoon on transfer day.

A Totonto blogger left me a comment after reading mine on the Virtual Lushary. December Baby, her adorable 13 month old daughter and I met for a delicious brunch downtown on Saturday. Instant bonding. She's so cool! Go wish her luck on her IUI today.

After brunch we walked around a bit and watched ice sculptures being carved.

(Me with ice penguins. Sorry for the blurred face. Privacy paranoia.)

After we said goodbye, I went to check out the Gardiner Museum of ceramics. Cassandra, don't bother (unless there's an interesting special exhibit). Not really worth it. I KNOW you've seen better collections. But here are a couple of pics from the current special exhibit.

An unexceptional Picasso. I like it, but have seen MUCH better.

A pair of nice Betty Woodman pieces.

The museum did not have a single Beatrice Wood piece. Just wrong!!

Another shot from my window yesterday afternoon. Check out the ice! Brrrrr! Then the snow started to fall.

Don't forget to check out what the rest of the class is showing!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Feeling the LOVE!!

2009-02-20T19:25:00.006-05:00

Weepy, hormonal chick says, I LOVE YOU GUYS!

The love in this community makes things happen. Our community got Cali pregnant! If not for this community, I would not have connected with Angrycanrn, and would not be sitting here in a hotel lounge, sipping a virgin mary, with 3 beautiful embryos on board.

I want to share with you about some of the love I've been blessed with.

Cassandra at Baby Smiling In Back Seat left me a comment that I should email her, because she might be able to hook me up with something while here. She has a dear friend who is a massage therapist here, and she wanted to treat me to a massage. HE CAME TO MY HOTEL ROOM! Heaven. Sheer heaven! Of course, any good friend of Cassandra's would be a terrific person. A caring, dear man, and a seriously awesome massage therapist. I don't think I've EVER had a better massage. He finessed the tendonitis in my shoulder so carefully, that it feels better than it has in ages. I anticipated having trouble sleeping because of nervousness about this morning's transfer, but I had no problem drifting off to sleep. I can't thank her enough for her generosity and kindness. I'm so hoping her current cycle works. Someone this caring will be a terrific mom.

Then, as if Angrycanrn hasn't already been generous enough, this afternoon a package was delivered to my hotel room. Apparently, she wanted to make absolutely sure I had all the chocolate I wanted right at my fingertips.

Yeah, it's HUGE. Have I mentioned that she ROCKS? Okay, maybe once or twice. ;-)

BTW, I could totally feel her loving energy with me this morning as I awaited the results of the thaw. Since I had quite a wait at the clinic, I got friendly with the nurses. I was talking to one grandmotherly nurse, showing her pictures of J and E (they're on my iTouch), telling her our story, and I told her the story of Angrycanrn's dream. She rubbed her arms and told me she got chills. The RE and I talked about this miraculous connection in the transfer room. Hon, you were there in spirit! The embies were labelled with both of our names, which was just perfect.

Of course, I was wearing the beautiful bracelet Angrycanrn made me. Wore BOTH pairs of lucky socks, and had the Obama beads in my purse (didn't bring them in to the transfer room, you never know where Mardi Gras beads have been :-0).

The RE, the nurses, the RE's secretary were all so terrific and caring. They told me that as much as they enjoyed meeting me, they hope I don't need to come back. Me, too!

No vacancy!

2009-02-20T17:39:00.003-05:00

This clinic does not have the capability to take pictures of the embryos before transfer, but I did get to see them on a video screen before transfer. Of course, I think they are adorable.

I did get a picture post transfer. So wonderful to see something in there after so many months of empty uterus ultrasounds.

Dora's Uterus. No Vacancy!

6, 5, 4 — YES! WE! CAN!

2009-02-20T13:50:00.003-05:00

This morning's transfer went beautifully! Minor snafu, they couldn't thaw the embryos until I signed the consent forms. Obviously, if I weren't an out of town patient, this would have been done prior to today. If they had let me know, I could have gone there yesterday and signed them. So, although I got there at 8am, I didn't have the transfer until nearly noon.

The embryos thawed perfectly. They thawed 3 and they all survived the thaw. (My biggest worry.) These are day 2 embryos, and we had a 6 cell, a 5 cell, and a 4 cell. Tiny bit of fragmentation on the 4 cell. None on the others. They also did assisted hatching on them.

I feel very hopeful! My boobs hurt already. ;-)

Thank you all for your support.

More later!

Here I Am!

2009-02-19T17:09:00.006-05:00

Well, I'm here! And it's COLD!

Here's the view from my hotel room window this morning.

Being very lazy, since it's just so cold. The day started out sunny, so I thought I would head over to the CN Tower to check out the view. Of course the weather changed, and the wind was blowing snow flurries sideways into my face. Not much visibility, so I decided to treat myself to a drink and a snack at the restaurant on the observation deck. (Note: One of the best caesar salads I've ever had.) While I was there the sun peeked out and the fog lifted a bit.

Here's the view.

Trying not to be too nervous about the thaw and transfer tomorrow. Really nothing I can do about it.

I truly helps knowing all of you are thinking of me and hoping tomorrow's transfer brings me a wonderful, little take home baby. Thank you all! xoxoxoxoxoxoxo!!!!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Receiving is Giving

2009-02-13T22:03:00.002-05:00

This week I’ve decided it’s my turn. I’m going to revel in all the love in my life, embrace it, and allow it to wash over me.

I also want to talk about the gift we give when we graciously allow others to give to us. A few months ago another blogger sent me an email saying she wanted to send me something for luck for my cycle. My initial reaction was to think I would email her back and say it was sweet, but not necessary. Well, duh! Of course it wasn’t necessary! That wasn’t the point. This sweet woman wanted to send me something to brighten my day during my IVF cycle. It would make her feel good to do so. I realized it would be wrong to deny her that pleasure. Her instincts were also spot on. The package arrived on a difficult day. Her gift made me smile and feel cared for.

I don’t know why it took me a while to realize this. I know this so well from the other side. I love choosing gifts for people. I love seeing their pleasure when I get it right. Why in the world would I deny that to someone else?

Then there’s the big gift. The gift of life. The gift of cells that contain so much possibility. While we know there is no guaranty, we hope that a little clump of cells will grow in my nice fluffy uterus. That a tiny heart will start to beat. That organs will form. That a healthy baby I’ve waited so long for will grow and grow and grow. Angrycanrn says I give her peace by accepting the gift of her embryos. As I’ve said before, the best way I can think of to honor that gift is to be the best mom I can be.

So, I guess what I’m really trying to say is THANK YOU ALL! And bring on the love. My heart and arms are wide open for you.

Stripey Goodness — 10.8mm! Triple Stripe!!

2009-02-13T10:35:00.002-05:00

Okay, now I'm really getting excited! Lining check was this morning. No blood draw. YAY!

My uterine lining measures 10.8mm and has a triple stripe pattern. For those of you who don't know about these things, this is very, very good. Doc said my uterus looks like a good place for someone to hang out for 9 months.

So the plan now is that I will fly to Canada after work next Wednesday, have Thursday as a day to chill and sitesee (maybe get a massage), then transfer will be on Friday. I'll fly home Sunday evening.

For all those who are obsessing, praying, thinking good thoughts for me, the next hurdle is the thaw. Please direct your energy to a successful thaw of my little embies. All of your love and support means so much. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!

Other exciting news, after getting the go ahead this morning I bid on price1ine for a hotel. I got a 4 star hotel in the harbor for less than $57 US per night! About a 5 minute cab ride to the clinic. Much better than the 2 1/2 star hotel I reserved for $72. Cancelled that one.

I guess my mom’s okay after all

2009-02-09T16:55:00.003-05:00

Saw this on Good Morning America today.

(EDITED TO ADD: The YouTube link no longer works. Here is a link to the video on GMA's website.)

Even though I pretty much agree with everything she’s saying, slamming your daughter on national television is unacceptable. IMO, octo-mom is a nut job, but octo-granny is a bitch!

My mother is not an easy person to deal with, but I think even she would know that the proper response is “NO COMMENT!”

I also find it interesting that the news stories speak of octo-mom’s $165,000 disability payments over 6 years like it’s a major windfall. Do the math, people! Over six years, that’s $27,500 per year. Where the hell did she get the money for IVF?

Update

2009-02-09T14:22:00.001-05:00

Just letting everyone know what’s happening.

Hopefully, I am growing a soft, stripey lining for a little embie to dig into.

Last lupron shot tonight! YAY! Even reduced to 5 units, I’m sooooo tired. I’ve been trying to stick to just one cup of coffee a day in anticipation of being PUPO, but Saturday was a bad migraine day, and I was really hoping the second cup might help. Taking my estrace (orally) twice a day. (Calliope asked if I was taking it up the hooha. I double checked my instructions, and they didn’t specify orally, but they referred to my progesterone capsules as “vaginal progesterone,” so I made the logical leap that the estrace was oral.)

Lining check is Friday. I have my plane tickets and a hotel reservation! The hotel is a backup. After my lining checks out okay I plan to bid on price1ine for a hotel. Since it’s off season, I’m anticipating I can get a 4 star hotel for what I reserved the 2 1/2 star hotel for, or maybe even less.

So now all I have to worry about are things that are completely out of my control—my lining, the thaw, and the weather for my flights.

Mel’s Show & Tell — Lucky SOCKS and Beads

2009-02-08T14:40:00.004-05:00

Last week I received the bracelet that Angrycanrn made for me after she saw it in a dream. Yesterday I got another little package from her.

TWO pairs of lucky socks for my transfer. It will be cold. I’ll wear both pairs. I’ve been wearing the lucky socks another blogger sent me for my monitoring appts. If this transfer is successful, we could raise some serious money for the UTERUS Brigade with my lucky sock collection. She also sent me these awesome Mardi Gras beads. She says she didn’t flash her boobs (see paragraph 2 of the link) to get them, but you know, what happens at Mardi Gras stays at Mardi Gras!

Isn't she awesome?

Don’t forget to see what the rest of the class showing.

Pay it Forward Fridays — 7 on the 7th

2009-02-06T21:46:00.006-05:00

Wasn't going to do a Pay it Forward Fridays post today. I figured I did my pay it forward post with this one this week. Then I read Matt Logelin's post today.

From Matt's blog:
"the $7 on the 7th campaign is an easy way to make a big impact.

by donating $7.00 to the liz logelin foundation on the 7th of every month, you are helping provide financial assistance to families as they deal with the loss of their loved ones.

in light of the country’s current economic crisis, $7 on the 7th is an easy, affordable way to impact the families of widows and widowers in a positive way.

thank you."

Click on over and help out.

As an added bonus, there's an adorable photo of a wiped out Maddie in the post.

Have you seen this?

2009-02-06T13:49:00.002-05:00

So beautiful. Made me teary.

For all of us creating families in new ways.

"Fidelity": Don't Divorce... from Courage Campaign on Vimeo.

Mushy chooses ...

2009-02-04T11:44:00.006-05:00

Another Dreamer at An Unwanted Path.

It is my experience that if you have papers on a bed, a cat will choose to lie on the papers instead of a clear area of the bed. So I arranged pieces of paper with the entry names face down (even though Mushy can't read). He explored the papers for about 10 seconds and flopped down on one. Another Dreamer has won a custom made baby or toddler hat from Karen at The June Bride. But not the one pictured in my last post, because I couldn't resist it and bought it. I'm sure I can find someone to give it to, or maybe, just maybe ... I'll keep it.

Please stop by The June Bride's Etsy shop. She is doing an awesome thing right now. She's donating ALL HER PROFITS to local charities. She wrote this announcement on her Etsy page:

"As you know, the economy has fairly decimated the work force here in southeastern Michigan. I feel very fortunate that my life has largely been unaffected, but many friends and family are suffering unemployment and under-employment as a direct result. Charities are in desperate need and donations are down dramatically. I want to help, so as long as this note is here, 100% of my profits from sales on Etsy will be used as best I can to help alleviate the situation of local families in need. See my profile for more information. Thanks for your help!"

So, I bought the hat and decided my iTouch needed another case. Yes, my iTouch now has a little wardrobe. The quality of Karen's work is wonderful. So please click over there and buy a little something. (BTW, note to all you crafters, she has some lovely supplies listed, too.)

(Yes, there's a lot of cat hair on the blanket. My cats are kind enough to let me sleep in the bed with them.)

Last change to enter the GIVEAWAY!!

2009-02-03T12:58:00.003-05:00

Okay, peeps. You have until midnight tonight to make a $5 donation to Cara's support group for parents dealing with miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. Read this post for all the details. Just a $5 donation to this VERY WORTHY cause gives you a chance to win a custom made infant or toddler hat from The June Bride. Mushy will choose a winner, which I will attempt to photograph.

Good luck!

Suppressed and De-stressed

2009-02-02T12:46:00.002-05:00

Have I mentioned lately how very lucky I am? The title of this post was almost “Suppressed and Stressed,” but Angrycanrn fought the good fight this morning and WON! All the crazy paperwork is done. The embies are out of embie jail and are waiting for me to grow a fluffy lining and come get some of them. I will have to firm up the transfer dates with the RE (who is on vacation, but will hopefully respond to emails via her crack.berry) and the embryologist, and then I should be able to book my flights and hotel. YAY!!!

So, my dear internets, what fun side effects should I expect from the estrogen pills I’m taking twice a day? I reduced the 1upron to 5 units last night, so hopefully the 1upron fog and headache will lift soon. Eight more days of little 1upron shots along with the estrogen, then just estrogen until the lining check when I’ll add the progesterone.

I’m just a science experiment. Hope I win the blue ribbon.

Thank you all for your good thoughts. Sorry I haven’t been a good commenter lately. I’m so distracted, foggy and headachey, but I’m always reading and thinking of you all.

Unrelenting Drama

2009-01-31T13:08:00.005-05:00

The rollercoaster never ends. The RE told me yesterday to double the 1upron and come back on day 2 of the bleed or in 7 days, whichever came first. Well, looks like I have another date with the dildocam tomorrow. That means we can still work with the holiday weekend, just shift the transfer dates forward a day or two.

I have a headache, but that could be from the 2 drinks I had while out with Princessoftides last night. Moderate cramps. Whatever.

Then there's the dip in the rollercoaster. The clinic is suddenly requesting more paperwork. Angrycanrn specifically asked the RE if there was anything else needed. Now, all of a sudden they are asking for more. This is disorganization. One thing we were asked for was faxed to them 2 weeks ago. This is the RE's fault. But what can we do at this point? All I can do is hope that this gets sorted out in time. I think I can stretch out the time a bit once I'm on the estrace and my lining's fluffy. (Can anyone confirm this?)

Trying very hard not to stress too much. This means I may have to wait until pretty much the last minute to book plane tickets and hotel. This may make both of those more expensive, but there's no point in stressing about that. Also, I already asked for the vacation days I thought I'd need. Now I'll have to find some excuse for needing flexibility.

**************

Please keep Angrycanrn in your thoughts. She's on the road trip from Hell.

Fucking ovaries! Who needs them!

2009-01-30T13:51:00.001-05:00

Went in for a suppression check this morning. We (RE and I) decided that with my history of no to low response, I might be okay with just 10 days of 1upron so that we could schedule my transfer around the (U.S.) holiday weekend. Well, I probably should have known I wasn’t suppressed since I haven’t bled yet. Although, in my defense, I’ve never done suppression before. Turns out it was good I went in this morning, as I am to DOUBLE my 1upron dose. Yikes! Now I’m glad I didn’t go home from work with that migraine on Tuesday. I’m anticipating a worse one (or more).

Thanks for the comments on the last couple of posts. About the OB appointment. I called the recommended dr’s office. I was told I must be pregnant to even attempt to make an appointment, and then the dr will consider whether or not to accept me as a patient. I also called the hematologist’s office. (They are so nice there.) Got the name of an OB he likes. Unfortunately, that dr is not on my insurance plan. Out of network for pregnancy and delivery would just be insane. I think I would like to interview 2 or 3 OBs before deciding, like I did with REs. I will continue to ask around, and even though the idea freaks me out a bit, I may look at local IVF pregnancy message boards.

To the commenter on my last post who thought I was going to name a daughter “Nyah.” That made me smile this morning. “Nyah, nyah” is an American (I think) expression that the Urban Dictionary defines as “the verbal equivalent of sticking out your tongue” or saying, “So there!” It’s pronounced with a consonant “y”, not a long “i” “y”. (If anyone else can explain that better, please do.) Not going to reveal baby names here until said baby has arrived in the world.

Kristin you are such a sweetie! I have a feeling we will be talking in a few weeks. I hope I’ll be calling you for mommy advice by the end of the year.

Still keeping the giveaway deadline as midnight on February 3rd. Just a few more days until Mushy picks a winner. (Yes, I’ll take pictures.)

Embracing Single Motherhood

2009-01-29T16:35:00.003-05:00

This post was sparked by something a friend wrote in an email to me. So I thought I would just start typing and see what comes out.

I can’t say I haven’t had moments (some of them extended) of grief and sadness that I’m doing this on my own. I’m sure there will be more. But today I feel really good about it. Powerful, even.

It’s great to hear about the terrific hubbies and partners of my bloggy friends, but I must admit, that’s not so representative of the couples I know in real life. Yes, I do know some great couples, but I know even more unhappily married ones and divorced ones. Bad relationships make raising a child so much harder.

Just a couple of examples: I have one friend who tells me stories of fights with her husband that leave my jaw hanging open. The things he says! She then “forgets” these things and when I remind her of them, she usually responds, “Oh, yeah. That was bad.” They have a 7 year old with ADHD and other issues. This is not just an active child getting meds thrown at her. Without meds, this child is visibly uncomfortable in her skin. It was a major battle to get him to agree to get her properly tested. He was afraid of the stigma. I thought my head would explode over this. I wanted to shake him and scream, “LOOK AT HER! She’s a sweet, smart child, but she needs help!” They have excellent insurance coverage, yet recently her husband wanted to cut back on some of the therapy she’s getting, EVEN THOUGH IT’S COVERED, because it’s out of network, and they would have to pay up front and wait for reimbursement! WTF!!! Her response—“G has a lot of anxiety about money.” Sorry, not good enough when you’re talking about your child’s wellbeing.

Another example: My cousin has a 12 year old boy. She and her ex divorced several years ago. Ex had an affair (which my cousin didn’t know about until after the divorce was final), requested a divorce, but refused to move out until the divorce was finalized (said it was his attorney’s instructions, and oh, yeah, he continued the affair the whole time). Made both my cousin and her son miserable and continues to. My cousin acted as admirably as possible during the process, never badmouthing her child’s father to him, even gave up more than she should have financially just to have it over with. Idiot father continues to badmouth my cousin to the child and blame her for EVERYTHING! Recent craziness—boy was with his father a few months ago when we had the first snowfall of the season. He told the child (who told his mother) that he was going to call the “Feds” on her for not getting him snow boots. Why didn’t he have snow boots? Because 12 year old boys’ feet grow like weeds. She was waiting as long as she could so he wouldn't outgrow them too soon. Why didn’t his father buy him the boots? “I pay your mother child support so she can buy you everything!”

These are just two examples.

I will NEVER put my child through those kinds of things. Yes, I won’t have a spouse to help with an infant in the middle of the night, but many spouses don’t help that much anyway. (My most recent ex would have been NO help with an infant or toddler due to his disability.) I won’t feel pulled between giving my full attention to an infant and making sure a spouse isn’t feeling neglected. BIG BONUS OF SINGLE MOTHERHOOD—NO IN-LAWS! Have you read about Jen’s in-law nightmares? I never really felt this way before my last relationship, but my ex’s family, OH MY! His mother loved me, but she’s in her mid-80s, not so sharp anymore, and has no power in the family. His sister has treated me so badly and disrespectfully, when she really ought get down on her knees to thank me for saving her brother’s life. (Not exaggerating, long story.)

I get to make the decisions. All of them. My current pick for a girl’s name is one that my ex vetoed. Nyah, nyah! The name honors my father, who died when I was 17. It’ll be perfect for a feisty redhead. A boy will get my father’s name as a middle name. I’m a little stuck on a boy’s first name, but I have time.

I’m doing this alone, but really I’m not. I’m gathering a community. I’ve already talked to a few friends and family members about help in the beginning. I’m chatting up moms at my local Starbucks. Last weekend I met a cool SMC and her terrific 2 year old daughter there. They live just a couple of blocks away from me. (Hi!)

When I think about how Angrycanrn and I connected, and how WE are making this happen, I’m happily astonished. When I first started considering donor embryos I had an idea of the kind of open relationship I’d like between the families. We are exceeding my expectations. Even though she is not single by choice, she understands what it takes and has faith in me. I look at how she has handled the cards she’s been dealt, and I find incredible strength.

One day I’ll be ready for a romantic relationship again, but I won’t be looking for a father for my child. My child and I will be a complete family. Anyone else is gravy. Gravy is good, but we can do without it.

The cart before the horse? Help!

2009-01-29T10:57:00.002-05:00

I’ve just gotten my second suggestion to book an OB appointment NOW! The first was from my internist, who said it might be hard to find an OB willing to work with my hematologist regarding lovenox injections during a pregnancy. The latest was from my massage therapist who is also a doula. She had a somewhat difficult pregnancy and recommended her high risk OB, who I’ve heard of, and who may take two months to get an appointment with. My MT says this OB will do what she can to have a vaginal delivery. Good quality in a high risk OB. Just to explain, I’m planning on a high risk practice because of my advanced maternal age (UGH!) and the lovenox. My hematologist wants me on a low dose of lovenox as a precaution due to my age and a mild case of Reynaud's.

Is this crazy? Jinxy? I know I can always cancel, but … YIKES! And what would I say when I call? Do I lie and say I just got a positive pee stick? Do I tell them I’m about to have a transfer of embies from a 23 year old egg donor, so I should be pregnant in a few weeks? If this cycle works, this is technically week one of my pregnancy, right? So, I could say I’m a week pregnant and let them make whatever assumptions they might make.

Help meeeeeeeeeeeee!

Lupron Migraine

2009-01-27T14:37:00.002-05:00

Ouch! I feel crappy. Full out migraine with visuals. I used to have a chronic migraine problem, but I got it pretty much under control a few years ago. My secret? High doses of magnesium. I take 2500 mg of magnesium a day. My migraines are mostly atypical, no visual aura, pain mostly in the face. Cheeks, behind the eyes, forehead. In fact they were misdiagnosed as sinus headaches for many years. A few years ago I had my first "classic" migraine. They are so freaking weird! I've had them occasionally since then, but the aura always freaks me out. It's as if flashes have gone off in my face and the light spots are screwing with my field of vision. It usually takes me a few minutes to figure out what's going on, as the aura comes before the pain. I've had some spots on my retina in the past (probably from being a preemie) that could cause similar symptoms, so my initial reaction is, "Oh, shit! I've got to go to the opthalmologist!" But this comes on quickly, and very soon I'm having trouble seeing the computer screen or whatever, and realize the pain will hit soon.

I got one when I was on BCPs (yaz) one cycle to try to quiet my cysty ovaries, so I'm assuming it's the 1upron.

Some questions for 1upron and FET vets, when do I bleed? I've been shooting up 1upron for 7 days now. Not a spot. I had a fluffy 14mm lining on day 21 when I started 1upron, so I know I have to shed it to build a new one with estrace. Does a 1upron bleed feel like a regular period?

Am I the only geek who taps out the days of the week on her abdomen to figure out which side to inject?

I feel giddy! How weird is that?

2009-01-26T18:45:00.002-05:00

First, I want to thank everyone for all their good wishes, and I want to apologize for being a lousy commenter lately. I feel even guiltier about the fact that it's usually serious, important posts that I am failing to comment on. The reason for that is that I need the time and mental focus to respond properly to something serious. Easier to dash off a quick comment about a lighthearted post. Please forgive me.

Now, as to the giddiness, I think hope has managed to sink its claws into me. Despite all the 1upron I've been injecting, I feel happier than I have in a long, long time.

Angrycanrn and I have been exchanging some serious, heartfelt emails. My heart is overflowing. She is my sister from another mother. If she needed a kidney, she could have one of mine.

I keep thinking about the embies. I'm in love already. In love with a child conceived 4 years ago. Wild!

Mel’s Show & Tell — Frozen Embryo Transfer, Step by Step

2009-01-25T18:08:00.002-05:00

For Show & Tell this week I thought I go over the steps of my frozen embryo transfer in plain English. Recently I have given my URL to people who don’t necessarily know how assisted reproductive technology works. So, I thought it would be helpful to explain what these next few weeks will be like.

I started a drug called 1upron last week on day 21 of my cycle. The reason for starting that day is that I should have ovulated by then. This is checked by an ultrasound (not so affectionately known as the dildocam) of my ovaries, where they look for a corpus luteum (an empty egg follicle) and a blood test. I inject the medication with a small, subcutaneous needle into my abdomen. No big deal. Stings for a half second, and I get a little itchy at the injection site, but that’s all. Its purpose is to shut down my ovaries, since we’re not using them for this. This is called the suppression phase of the cycle. Not all frozen embryo cycles are done with suppression, but it gives us more flexibility in timing the transfer.

After 14 days of 1upron injections I will go to my local clinic for another ultrasound and blood work to make sure my ovaries are suppressed. (Not anticipating that my poor, old girls will have a problem with this.) Then I stop the injections and start taking estrogen pills to build up my uterine lining. After 10 days of estrogen, back to the clinic for another date with the dildocam and more bloodletting. Hopefully, I will have a nice, fluffy lining. A soft bed of tissue for and embryo to dig in and stay for the duration.

Following a good lining check I will start progesterone. This is in the form of capsules inserted up my hoo ha. Some doctors prefer intramuscular injections of progesterone in an oil suspension. These are LONG, BIG GAUGE needles in the tushie. They need to me long to get into the muscle, and they need to be thick needles because it’s an oil suspension, so too thick to push through a thin needle. There have been many studies that show that vaginal progesterone is just as effective as a HUGE needle in the ass. I know there are exceptions to this, but I am relieved not to have to do it.

A few days after the lining check I will fly to the frozen tundra for my embryo transfer. I’m disappointed that Angrycanrn will be out of town, but I have been emailing another blogger in the area and we hope to meet up while I'm there. An embryo transfer is usually an easy procedure. I know what to expect from my IVF in November. Before the procedure I will drink a good deal of water to fill my bladder. I think this raises up the uterus, making it easier to visualize on the ultrasound. Please correct me if I’m wrong about this, internets. Some people find the full bladder to be the most uncomfortable part of an embryo transfer. I have good kegals (for now), so not a problem for me.

Okay, so … on the table, knees wide apart. Ultrasound is external (no dildocam), so my abdomen is gooped up with ultrasound gel. The tech will get my cervix and uterus on screen. The dr will thread a catheter past my cervix into my uterus. The embryologist will pass a syringe containing the embryos to the doctor, who will inject them through the catheter into my uterus. We should be able to see them on the ultrasound screen. Little bright dots in my uterus. (I love them already.) The dr will withdraw the catheter and pass it and the syringe back to the embryologist, who will check them under a microscope to make sure all the embryos are where they should be and that none are stuck to the catheter or syringe.

I will stay on the table for a while, then they will tell me it’s okay to get up and pee. I’ll go back to the hotel and take it easy for the rest of the day. Of course, I will blog about it! Maybe I’ll give out my hotel phone number by email and some of you can call.

I’ll fly home a day or two later. This is when the hard part really starts. THE TWO WEEK WAIT. Not always exactly 2 weeks, but that’s the phrase we use to refer to the crazymaking time until the official pregnancy blood test. Many of us are home pregnancy test addicts. POAS (Pee On A Stick) junkies. I’m ready. I have a box of 2 lst Response tests, and a bunch of ebay cheapies that are supposed to be generic lst Response. This is THE MOST STRESSFUL part of the process. I will be wondering about every little twinge, poking my boobs to see if they’re tender, debating with myself whether I’m tired from the stress, from the progesterone, or because I’m PREGNANT! Of course I also have to behave as if I were pregnant, so no booze to calm my frayed nerves. Chocolate consumption will increase.

Hopefully, by beta day (pregnancy blood test), I will have gotten clear positives on home pregnancy tests. I know it’s a possibility it won’t work. It will be agony if I don’t get pregnant from this transfer, but it won’t stop me from reaching my goal. We think I should have 2 or maybe 3 tries with these embryos. Can’t stop my multi-tasking mind from planning ahead.

A positive pregnancy test is the just first of many big hurdles to bringing home a baby, but it’s the biggest. Hope this transfer is the one!

Don’t forget to see what the rest of the class is showing.

Pay it Forward Fridays — Party On, Duckies!

2009-01-23T16:08:00.004-05:00

Ducks are pretty much in a row for my FET. Lupron is a breeze compared to mixing up vials of stims. Now that we’re really rolling, do you know what that means? We finally have a date to end my giveaway. I had arbitrarily set the end of the giveaway for the start of estrace. That should be February 3rd. So, you have until midnight on February 3rd to make at least a $5.00 donation to help Cara at Building Heavenly Bridges start up her support group for parents dealing with miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. The winner will receive a beautiful custom made hat from The June Bride. The hats are so soft, well made, and just adorable. (Hint, hint, you might want to bookmark her Etsy shop, since someone you know may have a Fall baby!)

I’m going to let my cat, Mushy, choose the winner. I will write all the entries on pieces of paper and arrange them face down on my bed, then I will bring Mushy in and see which one he lies down on.

A Photo Tag from Kristin

2009-01-22T19:16:00.004-05:00

I'm so bad at tags. There have definitely been a few in the past month or so that I haven't done. Sorry. This one from Kristin at The Fertile Infertile is fun though. As usual, I will not tag anyone else. If you want to do it, consider yourself tagged.

Rules:
1. Choose the 4th folder where you store your pictures on your computer.
2. Select the 4th picture in the folder.
3. Explain the picture.
4. Tag 4 people to do the same. (consider yourself tagged)

The actual 4th picture in the 4th folder in my disorganized pictures folder was from my ex's annual "cousin's day" gathering at a local beach a year and a half ago. Not putting that here. So I chose the 4th photo in my pictures folder not in a subfolder.

This is a photo that Angrycanrn emailed me of the bracelet she made for me to wear at my transfer, after having a very vivid dream about it.

BTW, Angrycanrn, I'm going to need that in a few weeks!

*******************

Welcome ICLWers. There are some select posts listed on my sidebar that give an overview of my story. Thanks for stopping by.

A Day of Hope x 2!

2009-01-20T16:37:00.001-05:00

Today, as we enter a new, hopeful era for our country, I take a new, hopeful step towards motherhood. That’s right, my sweet peeps! An hour and 45 freaking minutes(!) at my clinic this morning for b/w, u/s and instructions, meds delivered to my office, and tonight I get to shoot up my first 1upron dose for my donor FET.

Our president spoke to my heart today in his inaugural speech. I found myself tearful several times. I am filled with the promise of this legacy for all of our children.

Here are just a couple of passages that spoke particularly to my emotions today.

“In reaffirming the greatness of our nation, we understand that greatness is never a given. It must be earned. Our journey has never been one of short-cuts or settling for less. It has not been the path for the faint-hearted - for those who prefer leisure over work, or seek only the pleasures of riches and fame. Rather, it has been the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things - some celebrated but more often men and women obscure in their labor, who have carried us up the long, rugged path towards prosperity and freedom.”

My dear internets, we are “the risk-takers, the doers, the makers of things.” Just think, for example, of all the good done through the fundraising efforts of the UTERUS Brigade. And then my own situation. Angrycanrn and I are risk-takers, doers, and hopefully, makers of babies. This is not a path for the “faint-hearted.”

This passage speaks to me for obvious reasons,

“For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break, the selflessness of workers who would rather cut their hours than see a friend lose their job which sees us through our darkest hours. It is the firefighter's courage to storm a stairway filled with smoke, but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate.”

And BTW, bless him for including “non-believers.”

Why don’t you just adopt?

2009-01-19T12:20:00.001-05:00

THIS is why. My heart just breaks for Pepper. Devastating. Absolutely devastating. For her, as a single woman, to be chosen by a birth mother is rare. To have it snatched away 38 hours after she held the birth mother’s hand as she pushed out the baby girl, and was the first to hold her. Unthinkable. The nursery was ready. She’d flown to be there at the birth with a suitcase filled with clothes and bottles for this little girl. I can’t imagine how unbearable it will be to unpack.

This is why people spend enormous amounts of money (which I don’t have) on international adoption. I know myself well enough to know that I couldn’t handle what Pepper has just been through. Couldn’t handle the “foster to adopt” system either.

Pepper, know that you are in my thoughts a lot right now.

Mel’s Show & Tell — The first (and only) baby gift

2009-01-18T19:28:00.003-05:00

Baby stuff before pregnancy. Broad spectrum of feelings about this. My bff has been buying baby/children’s things for decades. She has an enormous collection of children’s books. I’ve been sort of superstitious about it. I’ve bought nothing. But I have one thing.

When I took my pre-IVF European vacation last May, like with IF research, I googled my fingers to the bone. I learned of this company through an article in the NY Times (see item 4). I had a lovely dinner at the home of a young Dutch couple. Their little boy was about nine months old at the time. I met him for a little while before he went to bed. (I have to say, Dutch babies and children are so freaking cute!) We talked about our respective cities, work, vacations, and … well … babies. Yeah, I blabbed my story. Part of taking this trip was to get my head somewhat centered before starting my IVF cycle in June (which was cancelled, hard to believe it took me from then until November to get through a cycle), so it came up. Turns out they had their own alternative babymaking story. Well, not theirs personally, their boy was conceived the non-medical way. But the husband’s sister is a lesbian in a committed relationship, and they are trying to have a child.

It was one of the first times I told anyone other than close friends of my alternative family building plans. They were so wonderful, and wished me much luck. When I was saying goodbye, the wife handed me a small package. The little onesie pictured below. As she handed it to me she said, “Your baby’s coming. I can feel it.”

Don’t forget to see what the rest of the class is showing.

Hey, Lurky Loos! Say hello!

2009-01-16T16:03:00.002-05:00

I think this is still Delurking Week.

Sorry I haven't been writing. Nothing much happening as I wait for the ducks to be in a row so I can start 1upron. And as usual, waiting suuuuuuuuucks! Chocolate is my BFF!

But I really want to hear from my lurkers. Please say hi or give me an opinion on something (as long as it's civil). Feel free to comment on an older post. I know you're out there. Jump in, the water's warm.

Especially those real life people I've given the blog URL to! Show yourselves.

Love,
me

Pay it Forward Fridays — Vote for The Stirrup Queen!

2009-01-09T19:10:00.002-05:00

Early and often.

The awesome Mel at Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters is a finalist in the Weblog Awards under best medical/health blog. Here are the details. Click here to vote. You can vote once a day. A vote for Mel is really a vote for all of us. If her blog wins it brings more attention to the causes that are dear to our hearts.

Mel does so much for us all. All it takes is two clicks to pay it forward.

Also, don't forget, there's still time to enter in the giveaway for a custom made baby or toddler hat! Just $5 for an incredible cause!

"It must be in the wrist."

2009-01-09T15:31:00.003-05:00

I thought I'd share some silliness I stumbled on. This is so funny.

Then I started thinking, what if someone did dramatic readings of blog posts? Uh, oh!

High Anxiety!

2009-01-07T16:46:00.001-05:00

This post has been cooking in my head for a while. Guess I should just let it out.

As I get closer to my donor FET my anxiety level is rising. Cycling with my own poor old ovaries, I had a less than 50% chance of success. With these donor embryos, my chances go up to the mid double digits. Seems impossible to quantify my chances before seeing how they survive thawing. So many “what ifs” going through my head.

Hope is wonderful. Hope is scary. The fear of all that could go wrong. Wondering if there will be a baby at the end of this crazy roller coaster ride. Incredulous that this process could really result in a screaming, pooping, boob sucking infant. Afraid that it won’t and I’ll have to get more cats. My uterus is untested. No reason to think it can’t support a pregnancy, but I’ve never been pregnant, so I really don’t know.

All of this is out of my control. I’ve done the best I can by finding a clinic whose lab has an excellent reputation. I have so many wonderful people hoping for my success. That’s an incredible blessing. But I can’t help feeling like my uterus is a craps table and we’re getting ready to roll the dice. Luck be a lady, and send me 2 lines!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Because it’s FUN!

2009-01-02T23:19:00.004-05:00

I’m in waiting mode again. Due to the timing of my cycle and other logistics, I won’t be starting lupron for another few weeks. Looks like a mid February transfer. My way of coping? Step up paying it forward. Good distraction. And as I’ve said before it just feels good to do something unexpected for someone else.

So, this week a blogger who recently had a birthday, and is dealing with some very difficult things right now, will be receiving a present soon. I’ll leave it up to her if she wants to show it to all of you. I also found something special for Kristin’s secret project. Email her if you want the secret details.

Oh, not to be pushy or anything, but don’t forget that just a $5.00 donation to help Cara at Building Heavenly Bridges start up her support group for parents dealing with miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss with enter you in a drawing for a beautiful custom made hat from The June Bride. Read this post for details. Still going with the start of estrogen as the end date for the giveaway, so there’s some extra time for me to keep nagging for $5.00.

Peaceful Places

2008-12-30T13:07:00.009-05:00

Angrycanrn is having a contest asking bloggers to describe their “peaceful” place.

I’ve got lots! Rather than one place, when my last nerve is frayed, I try to get away. A weekend away somewhere soothes and refreshes. I’ve become skilled at bidding low (and winning) for hotels on Price1ine. Washington, DC is any easy getaway from NYC. You may remember this post about the newish bus service that provides WiFi and electrical outlets! In the last couple of years I’ve taken a few weekend trips to New Orleans. (BTW, December is a VERY cheap time to go there.) Before getting ready to cycle this past June, I took a real vacation in May to Europe. 10 days on my own. Just wandering, traveling by train to different towns, people watching with a cup of coffee in a café. Best thing I could do for my head.

Getting away from the clutter (literal and figurative) in my life for a bit gives me a peacefulness that’s hard to come by ordinarily. I’m sure this will change drastically with a baby. (Although, I plan to ask Matt Logelin for single parent traveling tips. He’s so good at it! Although, Madeline is an exceptionally easy baby.) I expect peaceful moments with a little one will be different. Deep sleeping baby sighs while sleeping across my chest. I’m looking forward to friends and family enjoying a baby with me, but I’m really looking forward to the intense, one on one, baby-mom lovefest.

Anyway, here are some peaceful moments from my travels.

One of my favorite places in DC. Dumbarton Oaks in Georgetown. I once actually dozed off while lounging on a stone wall under some wisteria vines.

Café du Monde. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm!

Stormy night in Jackson Square. The sky was amazing!

Little treasure on quiet French Quarter street.

Wandering through the beautiful streets of the Garden District.

Serene street in Haarlem, NL.

This one in Amsterdam.

Amsterdam at dusk. A fairy tale city.

More!

Naturally Timed FET vs Suppression?

2008-12-29T12:30:00.000-05:00

I could use some of the vast knowledge our community has accumulated. I'm debating the pros and cons of a naturally timed FET vs suppression. My local RE says that without suppression, about 15% of women will ovulate. Considering my age and that my cycles are no longer as regular as they used to be, and that I will be traveling for my transfer (plus they will be culturing the embies after thawing, so we may not be sure of the transfer date until the last minute), suppression seems to make sense. I would like to hear about other's experiences with FET protocols.

Other miscellaneous FET questions:

Are hot baths okay up until transfer?

How soon after transfer would you fly? One of the top clinics here in NYC, which has a lot of out of town patients, tells their patients they can fly the next day. My flight will be short (about 2 hours), but it makes me nervous. I’m planning on taking just a carryon with wheels, but I will be on my own, so still some shlepping involved. Since I may not have a firm transfer date (depends on how long they decide to culture the embies once they see how they thaw), I’m trying to decide whether to add an extra day to the trip, so that if I do wind up with a day 5 transfer, I could fly home 2 days after transfer instead of the day after.

Thanks, all!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Hormones for Christmas

2008-12-26T23:40:00.004-05:00

I was a hormone matchmaker again this week. I saw a post on an IF message board from someone who had extra IVF meds. I quickly sent her a message and connected her with a friend who needs them for her next cycle. Good karma all around.

Just to remind you all that just a $5.00 donation to help Cara at Building Heavenly Bridges start up her support group for parents dealing with miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss with enter you in a drawing for a beautiful custom made hat from The June Bride. Read this post for details.

Persona Non Grata … this year

2008-12-26T00:06:00.001-05:00

Hope everyone had a good holiday. There’s a lot going on in the ALI blogosphere. Some terrible losses and some positive betas. The rest of us muddling through.

I was reading someone’s post about feeling like a second class citizen at holiday gatherings since she and her husband had no children. I’ve read posts like that before. I’ve seen message board threads about this. Common enough. Single and childless = third class. Extra fun!

I started thinking about next year. If this FET works in January, I will get lots of attention around the holidays. Everyone wants to see a new baybeeeeee! I think I will resent it more than I resent the treatment I get now. The one upside I can think of is that I will get to see my niece more often. My sister doesn’t currently make much of an effort to include me in my niece’s life. So, I’ll take the extra time with my niece, and I’ll gladly accept the baby gifts, but, yeah, I’m going to resent my status change due to childbirth.

Mel’s Show and Tell — I’m a Grinch

2008-12-21T14:07:00.003-05:00

I hope I don’t offend anyone, but I’ve got a bit of a rant here. The economy is in the toilet. Jobs are not secure. Yet I see the same excess as years past. Often with people who can ill afford it. One of the secretaries at my office has been having big packages of gifts for her extended family delivered all week. I know she has a lot of credit card debt. But it’s Christmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!!! She received one box from a children’s clothing store, that had over 10 outfits for her 2 year old niece. Even if it was all on sale, why so much? How do you teach a child to appreciate the thought that went into choosing a gift when there are soooooo many?

I know it’s taboo for a childless person to criticize parents, but I have some parent bloggers on my blog roll who I don’t believe act this way.

My ex’s brother and SIL, for example, just don’t say no to their 2 boys. Their sense of entitlement is off the charts. Last year at Christmas ex’s sister decided (I’m sure at the urging of her husband) that her constant gifts to her nephews were not appreciated. So she scaled back. She got them some beautiful books. The 4 year old had a screaming, crying tantrum, because Aunt L got him “Just a book!!”

Please tell me internets, it’s not my holiday, so maybe I’m missing something, but where’s the spirit of Christmas in that?

Don’t get me wrong, I love giving and receiving gifts. I love choosing something special for someone and seeing their expression when I get it right. I don’t buy many gifts for my 10 year old niece, because, quite frankly, I think my gifts get lost in the piles of stuff she has. I also want her to be glad to see me without looking for a gift. When she was about 3 or 4 I took the train to visit (they live about an hour by commuter train from me), when I got in my sister’s car after getting off the train, my niece asked what I brought her. She’d never done that before. I looked her in the eyes and said, “You have all my love. What else do you need?” She grinned and said, “Oh, okay. I love you, too.” She never did it again.

I wonder, internets, do you think the overindulgers are trying to fill something in themselves?

Okay, so after all that telling, let me show you something. That's not, IMHO, overindulgent. Here’s one of The June Bride’s darling fleece hats.

For a chance to win a custom made infant or toddler hat in your choice of color (and pitch in for a wonderful cause) please check out this post.

Don't forget to check out what the rest of the class is showing this week.

Pay it Forward Fridays — Hot Etsy Pick With Heart

2008-12-19T12:15:00.006-05:00

Okay, bear with me. This post is going to seem all over the place, but I will tie it together. I promise.

Pay it Forward Friday again. How do I thank a community for the love I’ve been given? How do I explain to outsiders that there is a community on the internet that is literally helping me get pregnant and bring home my baby? All I can think to do is keep paying it forward. Sometimes I’m inspired. This week I had a Pay it Forward inspiration.

First, let me introduce you to my Hot Etsy Pick, Karen at The June Bride. I discovered her Etsy shop when I was looking for a case to protect my iTouch in my purse. Karen’s iPod cases were hands down my favorites on Etsy. I bought this one.

Recognize the website? :-)

I was looking at the rest of her items and noticed her adorable baby and toddler fleece hats. So I added one to my cart for the cutest baby girl in Eindhoven. I was VERY pleased with my purchases when they arrived (very quickly). Love the iPod case, use it every day. The hat! Oh, my! Cuter than the photos and soooooo soft. Then a few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend about how she couldn’t find baby mittens. She was putting socks on her son’s hands to go out. Back to Etsy. Lo and behold, back to The June Bride. Karen’s fleece, thumbless baby mittens are perfect. I ordered a pair and a matching hat. Again, I couldn’t believe how fast they arrived. But this time I wasn’t surprised by the excellent quality.

How does this relate to paying it forward? Karen has graciously offered a custom made hat as a giveaway.
Her Etsy shop is booming. She really didn’t need me to feature her. She doesn’t normally do blog giveaways, but is happy to help with my idea. Many of you know Cara at Building Heavenly Bridges, and about her efforts to start a Share support group in her area for parents dealing with miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. She is also doing a giveaway to raise the startup costs. These two posts describe her efforts. I’m so glad to be able to do something to help her in this incredible, living memorial to her daughter Emma. Emma’s spirit shines through Cara, and will touch many people in the years to come.

For my giveaway, all you need to do it donate $5 to Cara’s Share group through the donate button on Cara's sidebar. Leave a comment here or send me an email and I will enter you. You have from today until (just to be arbitrary) the day I start estrogen for my FET. I think that should be in about 3 weeks or so. I will confirm the date when I know. I will randomly pick a winner, and the winner can then tell Karen what size and color they’d like. $5 is easy. Just a little more than a latte at St*rbux.

Thank you, and YES to swearing!

2008-12-19T09:49:00.003-05:00

Thank you for all the supportive comments. I think I sent her a pretty mild email. I did my best.

Regarding Geohde's question, forgiveness is not needed for swearing on my blog. Swearing is encouraged here! Let loose!

Whatever!

2008-12-18T21:24:00.005-05:00

Well, it took me until this afternoon to send the response to my friend's email.

I put together Kristin's and Areyoukiddingme's suggested wording, along with the link from Bleu.

This is what I sent:
I know you mean well but, unfortunately, thats not how this email came across to me. I appreciate your wanting to help, but if you want to know how I feel right now, please read this. http://www.trusera.com/health/journals/joysuzanne/joysuzanne-s-journal/support-your-local-infertile

xoxo,
Dora

This is what I received in return:

That's fine I will not reach out to you again.

Good luck.

Nice. Guess I'm done.

Can you imagine the response if I'd linked to Tertia's post?

Big, fat thighs!

2008-12-18T12:29:00.004-05:00

My inseam split. From crotch to knee. AT WORK! I have no idea when it happened. I looked down and my big, white, pasty, left thigh was winking at me

Thankfully, I had another pair of pants (never worn) in my desk drawer that I wanted to take to my seamstress. (My seamstress, who worked from her apt., has disappeared. Phone disconnected. No answer at doorbell. DAMN!) They need hemming. I cuffed them and used double sided tape. And they are about 3 inches too big in the waist. That's how I have to buy them to get a decent fit in the hips and thighs. I am an hourglass. (For the moment.) They don't cut clothes for hourglass figures. (Said seamstress is so good at that, she can take in jeans and you can't tell! What will I do without her?) I suppose I shouldn't have the waist taken in. These could get through the first trimester.

In the meantime, the stress/holiday eating has not abated. My boss and I received this from one of our vendors.

We split the goodies. I got a few more goodies, because he wanted the basket. I just got rid of the basket from last year, using it for my BFF's baby shower gifts a few months ago. I don't need it. And honestly, even though it looks like a lot, it's so much wasteful packaging. Some of those packages contain 2 chocolates. But it is still a lot of munchies.

I'll lose weight during the first trimester from throwing up. Right?

Every Uterus Has a Silver Lining

2008-12-17T16:03:00.005-05:00

Andrea at Bella and Her Fella has given me an award. Am I in with the “in crowd” now?
It was given to her by Murgdan, who wrote this about it:

"I wanted to come up with a way to thank those people who continually brighten my day; who remind me that although infertility is an ugly monster, she can be conquered (momentarily) with a laugh. I don't know that every cloud really has a silver lining. Let's face it; there are a lot of ugly clouds out there (some of them following us around relentlessly)."

I'm going to pass the award to some other bloggers who brighten my day.

Angrycanrn at The Story of Me. My LIFE is so much brighter with her in it. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better over the decades as our children grow up. Maybe eventually we can get adjoining rooms in the nursing home to make it easier for the kids to visit.
Topcat at Indisputable Topcat. What a fighter. Her sense of humor in the midst of so much is an inspiration. Plus, I just enjoy that kind of snarky, bitter humor!
Kristin at The Fertile Infertile. What a light in our community. I love reading her parenting stories. She’s on my "go to" list for mom advice.
Cara at The Bear And The Comedian. I love both her blogs, but I am madly in love with her daughters. I want squeeeeeeeze them until they squeal!

I have been tagged several times in the past couple of months. I’ve been a bad blogger and haven’t gotten to them. So, FYI, here are 7 random things about me. Not tagging forward.

I really need to do laundry. REALLY. Today I’m wearing the lucky IVF socks a blogger sent me because they’re clean.
I am excellent at choosing gifts for people. I rarely miss the mark. Even with my mother, who’s terrible at it, particularly with me. (Really, even my sister (who’s not so good at it herself) has been known to say to her, “What are you thinking? That’s not even remotely Dora’s style.”) I love doing it. I’m quite pleased with myself about the gift for Angrycanrn that I just put in the mail. It’s not extravagant (you know, like a bunch of embies), but it’s personal and special.
I had a cat named “Puppy”. Don’t know why, the name just fit. He was a great cat. A spooner. He lived to 18.
I sleep on a silk pillowcase because it’s better for my curls. I take one with me when I travel. Did you know that curly hair tends to be much drier than straight hair? Cotton pillowcases rough up the hair cuticle and absorb moisture from the hair.
I still have very oily skin in my mid-40s. It’s a nuisance, as my face gets shiny in about a half an hour, but the upside is hardly any lines. I’ve been told I’ll fit in just fine with the 30 something moms. (But the 30 something moms aren’t going to be experiencing peri-menopause symptoms, as I expect to soon. My dr says probably within the next year. FUN!) Peri-menopause, pimples and breastfeeding, OH MY!
I have a checkered past dating musicians. Not the last guy, but a bunch over the years. Guitar, piano, keyboard players, composers. No drummers. Oh, wait, that’s not totally true. I dated a music education professor for a while. When I asked him what instrument he played, he sheepishly said, “All of them.” Guess you need a basic knowledge of them all to teach people to be music teachers.
Re the musicians, I think I was a musician in a past life. In this life, I can carry a tune and keep rhythm, but have no real talent. Yet I can speak the language. I remember having a conversation with a boyfriend where he was explaining to me about learning to write a cantata. I couldn’t pick out a cantata from various pieces of music, but I understood what he was saying. It really is a shame I don’t have any musical talent. I have very long fingers. If I could, I would love to be able to play blues guitar. Really wail!

Coming out of the closet. No, not THAT closet.

2008-12-15T22:23:00.003-05:00

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

As plan b is really kicking into gear, my embryo donor and I have decided to let you all in on our wonderful connection. If you haven’t figured it out yet, it is Angrycanrn from The Story of Me who has pledged to donate a whole bunch of beautiful embryos to help me become a mother. It’s hard to find words to express how I feel about all this. About her generosity, her faith in my ability to be a good mom on my own, the leap of faith it takes to trust in this unique way of family building because it just feels right. It feels very right. As far as I’m concerned, we are family. This journey has made it so.

I feel the same way about Donor Daddy. He is an important part of my path to my child. I plan to share that with my child someday. Our gametes joined and grew and divided. We’re family, too.

So, friends, it looks like I may be heading north soon to make a baby. Well, not make one. (Still strange to think my child is already conceived. Preconceived? My little notion?) You know what I mean. Gestate one. It would be so great if we can sync up and have our transfers the same day. We’re thinking it’s going to be one hell of a pajama party in the hotel room after transfer. (Send chocolate!) I will bring my laptop for post transfer blogging.

I can’t wait to meet this incredible, strong woman face to face. Oh, and her kids! I just hope I don’t cry when I meet them. (I will be on a bunch of hormones, you know.) "Aunt Dora just has something in her eye."

It’s exciting. It’s scary. More hope means further to fall. I’m so lucky, though. If I fall, I have all of you to catch me. But I would do it all anyway. I want to meet my child.

As a funny aside to the title, at one point, after the evil Midwestern clinic had told both of us they would not treat single women, I sent an email proposing to her. (My exact words were, “Same sex marriage is legal in Canada. Wanna get hitched?”) It would serve the idiots at evil clinic right, since I presume their policy is also intended to discriminate against same sex couples. After she stopped laughing, she declined, informing me it would be too scandalous, as she’s such a recent widow. Good thing she gets my sense of humor.

P.S. This is my 100th post!

Email update.

2008-12-15T14:16:00.001-05:00

Thanks for all the feedback. I would ignore it, but we have a good mutual friend, so I will be seeing her. Also, as I said, I’ve done the ignore thing too much as I’ve been dealing with this. I don’t think the subtler suggestions would work. Too much denial about her own over 40 prospects. I like the link Bleu posted. Says pretty much the same thing as Tertia’s, but without all the snark that I enjoy so much, but which could backfire. I think an email like what Kristin and Areyoukiddingme said, with Bleu’s link could work. If not, then I’ll send the snarky link.

Yeah, info on egg quality is perfect just when I’m done with my eggs. Also, she should know that I’m a champion researcher. She had some major back issues a couple of years ago and I gave her some shit about just letting the drs do all these nerve blocks and such without doing some research and getting second opinions. Ever hear of arachnoiditis? Horrible and irreversible. Generally caused by spinal injections. Some drs love doing these injections. It doesn’t take much time, and insurance pays VERY well for it.

Mel’s Show and Tell — Advice Please

2008-12-14T14:15:00.003-05:00

For show and tell this week I bring you a dilemma. In a recent post I mentioned a comment in an email from a friend. After telling her about my failed cycle, she responded with, "I know you've tried everything and probably acupuncture too, but that's how my one friend had hers at 'our age'." Well, I didn’t respond to that and then got another email from her. Here’s the “show” part of my show and tell. The first image is a collage of screen shots to try to show the length of the email. What I’m showing is literally ONE FIFTH of the length of the actual email! (Click on it to see it better.)

Here’s the beginning, with her note to me.

Here’s an example of one screen shot to give you an idea of the content. OY!

This shit makes me crazy! My instinct is to ignore her emails and shut her out. But I feel like I’ve done too much of that. She’s not a close friend, but I don’t want to cut her off completely. I know she means well, but this stuff only makes it worse. A friend suggested I send her the link to Tertia’s classic post about How to be Good Friends with an Infertile. I would like to direct her attention to point #3. I think she might take offense. But, I’m offended by her emails. What do you think? What would the internets do?

Assorted stuff

2008-12-12T10:59:00.003-05:00

Didn’t mean to exclude the men in that last post. I just want to add that I really appreciate the male voices in our community. Glad you’re here, guys.

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Check out my friend’s new blog. Go over and welcome the Princess of Tides to our corner of the blogospere.

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Random piece of info: I ate M&Ms at 10am today. That’s kind of screwed up.

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What do you all think of a New York area holiday meet-up? I have been avoiding holiday events this year. My office holiday party was on beta day. No f#*&ing way was I going to that one. Bagged on an event earlier this week. Planning on bagging on a big family Hanukkah party at a cousin’s. I’m not up for dealing with the stupid or insensitive questions and comments. If a group of us in the area got together in the next few weeks, we could have a festive occasion without that other crap. We could have a big ole pity party if we want to. The point is, it would be OURS! We could confine the stupid or insensitive questions and comments to a party game. Go around the table and see who’s had to deal with the worst one. The prize would be chocolate. Duh! Could also have a “best snarky comeback” contest. Bonus points for actually have said it! Those of us not cycling could make it a drinking game. So … what do you think? An IF Holiday Pity Party?

Don't forget to check out what the rest of the class is showing.

Wearing each other’s shoes — Sympathy vs. Empathy

2008-12-11T16:51:00.000-05:00

From my point of view, the ALI blogosphere is the most empathetic place in the world. And it’s not even a real place. It’s how our hearts connect. We are here from different paths and for different reasons. We reach out from within our own pain to fearlessly reach out to our sisters and put on their shoes for the time it takes to read a post and leave a comment. To “try on” another woman’s pain, so that we can give the best comfort we can.

I used the word “fearlessly” because I’ve come to the conclusion that the main reason people are not empathetic is fear. No matter how much we’ve endured, our own pain is familiar. To really empathize, rather than express sympathy (which always brings the word “pity” to my mind), we must imagine what it would be like. To lose an infant, to miscarry, to lose a spouse, to have an adoption fall through, to have a failed IVF cycle (oh, wait, I know that one), etc. Fucking scary! My MO is generally to feel the fear and do it anyway. But to be honest, I have not been able to click on the links on LFCA to the blogs with recent infant losses. Just can’t right now. If they were blogs I’d already been reading, it would be different. So, while my heart goes out to these grieving moms, I’ll let some other sisters step up. Those shoes are too scary right now.

Where does empathy come from? Is it in our DNA? Can it be taught? My mother and sister are not very empathetic. I have been told by more than one mental health professional that my mother is a narcissist. Narcissists don’t do empathy well. Why try on someone else’s shoes when the world is revolving around YOU! Did I somehow get the lesson from my father, who died when I was 17? Is it a reaction to my mother’s self absorption? Do I try to understand how others feel because she never tried to understand my feelings? (This is the woman who seated me, her 40 something, single, childless daughter, at the kids table for Passover this past year.) Is it just part of who I am, stamped on me at conception?

My child will not have a mother who will assume to know what he or she is feeling, or who will discount those feelings. I can’t wait to meet this unique person.

As I wait for the next step to bring me closer to my child, I salute my sisters who cram their feet into each other’s shoes, endure the pain in order to listen, to really hear, to understand as much as possible, to comfort each other and to celebrate with each other. It’s certainly not the easiest way to be. But my life and my friendships are richer for it.

Emotional eating

2008-12-09T20:53:00.005-05:00

Chocolate is my drug of choice. Food in general, actually. Discussing my eating habits with my acupuncturist a while back, I quipped about the sedative effect of carbs. I wasn't really kidding.

I had my first RE appt in January. I did okay for the first few months of the year, what with getting all my testing done, having my BIG uterine polyp removed, breaking up with boyfriend, asking old gay friend to be my baby daddy, switching clinics twice. I actually lost some weight before being ready to cycle in June. Then that first cycle got cancelled. All bets were off. I haven't been on a scale since. I tell myself I won't get on the scale until an OB makes me. So there!
I feel like a blob.

I bagged on a social event hosted by my BFF this evening. I'm sure there were plenty of people there that I know and like and don't get to see often. But I just wasn't feeling strong enough to brush off the stupid or insensitive comments. Like this one in an email from a friend after I emailed her about my negative beta. "I know you've tried everything and probably acupuncture too, but that's how my one friend had hers at 'our age'." Ummm, yeah. Right.

I also didn't want to go because I feel fat and blobby.

I have an appointment to have my hair highlighted on Saturday. It's very expensive, but Larry is worth it. When he's done with me, I do not look like I've had my hair highlighted. I do not look processed. My hair looks sunkissed. Upon my request, he paints on highlights so subtly that I don't need to come back for touch ups. It grows out naturally. For the last 2 years I've gone once a year, in the Spring. I think I need a little Spring now. Thank goodness for Larry.

Mel's Show and Tell — Why pay it forward?

2008-12-08T12:13:00.003-05:00

This week I have a "tell." I want to share with you the sweetest reward of paying it forward.

Before ordering Kristin's birthday present and posting about it, I asked her permission. Obviously, she said yes. I also received this email from her (which she has given me permission to quote).

"BTW, I forgot to say that this email made my day. I’ve been walking around with a big grin on my face because, honestly, I don’t feel that I’ve done anything that special and it thrills me that I’ve made a difference."

Do you know how good that feels to read? Try it sometime and see!

Don't forget to check out the rest of the class!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Because I CAN!

2008-12-05T16:06:00.001-05:00

I’ve missed the last couple of weeks with my PIF posts. Damned 2 week wait is so distracting.

Today, though, it feels important. I need to celebrate this community that has helped me maintain my sanity throughout this cycle. It has meant so much knowing all these caring people online have been waiting for updates and praying and hoping for my success.

I will raise my glass to you all tonight. Yup, I’m having me some alcohol tonight. With a side of ibuprofen. (Oh, I’ve missed ibuprofen!)

As my Pay it Forward gesture this week I’m giving a birthday gift to Kristin of The Fertile Infertile. Her birthday is tomorrow. Kristin is an all the time Iron Commenter, not just during ICLW! She can always be counted on to stop by with a comforting or encouraging word. I know I’m not the only one who treasures her contributions to our community.

I noticed a comment that Kristin left on Mel’s blog about Mel’s forthcoming book, Navigating the Land of If. She was hoping that her finances would be good when the book was released. Kristin does so much for others. For her kids and husband, her extended family (her loving posts about her in-laws are treasures), and her friends. It was an easy choice to pre-order another copy of the book (I already ordered mine) for Kristin.

So, birthday girl, your book will arrive shortly after its release. If you’re feeling flush at the time, you can always pay it forward by purchasing a copy for someone else. Maybe a new blogger listed on LFCA. A newbie who can really use the information. Just a thought.

Officially not pregnant.

2008-12-05T14:48:00.002-05:00

Not unexpected. Annoyed at the 50 minute wait for my blood draw this morning. Then, could someone please tell me why they have a nurse with a very thick accent make phone calls?? For some reason her call went straight to voice mail, and they will not leave messages about pregnancy tests. So I had to call back and wait on hold for a looooooooong time to get the expected negative results.

Honestly, I'm more relieved that it's not beta hell. A low beta indicating a miscarriage or an ectopic would have been worse.

Calling DD to give him the news was not easy.

Cold or not, I'm drinking tonight!

Thank you all for getting me through this cycle with my sanity basically intact.

Sick and still negative.

2008-12-04T17:56:00.004-05:00

Got hit with a cold Monday night. Pee stick still negative as of this morning. Beta tomorrow.

I'm miserable, congested, headachey, and not sleeping well.

I want to thank everyone for all their supportive comments. It really makes a difference having all of you rooting for me.

I've beaten the odds even getting this far. After my cycle where I was cancelled after 7 days of stims, I was told by 3 REs from 3 different well respected clinics that I probably wouldn't make it to retrieval with my own eggs. This makes it much easier to move to plan b with peace.

2WW HELL! I feel ... nothing.

2008-12-01T15:10:00.002-05:00

No real symptoms. Boobs a tiny bit tender, but nothing to write home about. Odd thing is, at this point in my cycle they're normally killing me from PMS. At this point I normally have to cross my arms over my chest to dash across the street to keep them from hurting more.

I did POAS yesterday. Nothing. I know, too soon. Didn't do it today. Will do it again tomorrow and probably every day until my beta on Friday. I'm losing my little bit of hope for this cycle.

I want a strong drink. I want sushi. I want a rare burger.

But all I really want is my baby.

Mel's Show & Tell — The Boot

2008-11-29T21:27:00.005-05:00

Well, the new podiatrist I saw on Wednesday agrees that it's likely tendonitis (anterior and posterior tibial tendons). He wouldn't rule out a fracture (although thought it unlikely) or a tear, but agreed we should not subject my delicate little embie to an x-ray or mri. He said I would heal faster immobilized. Thus, the boot. So I'm clomping around in the boot with a cane. I'm telling people I'm in little old lady training. Oooh, do I get cranky when people with packages crowd into the elevators in the subway instead of using the stairs!

Clomped my way to Brooklyn on Thanksgiving to spend it with DD and his family at the home of friends of his. Awesome food and great company. Saw DD's sister for the first time since starting all this. She greeted me like a long lost sister. (Hi Aunt D!) She is so excited about the prospect of being an aunt. His stunning 18 year old niece has volunteered for diaper duty. His 2 grown nephews, not so much. Aunt D attempted to entice me to visit with the child, who is just a glimmer right now, by telling me they have a tree house.

This kid is going to have so much love! We must try not to smooch him or her to death!

BTW, DD wasn't trying to be cool with the shades during the parade. Those are his regular glasses, they're photosensitive lenses. I remember him telling me after the parade one year, that driving the sleigh in the parade and seeing the children's faces along the parade route, turned the Jewish boy from Brooklyn into a believer in Santa. No wonder I asked him to father my child.

Oh, and did I mention that since I'm trying to stay off my foot this weekend I'm really bored. Not a good thing combined with the dreaded 2 week wait!

Don't forget to check what the rest of the class is showing this week!

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Sad news about my friend's cycle. Her embie didn't make it. Thank you from both of us for all the good wishes. She will try again in January at a different clinic. I have a little bit of meds left from my cycle that I'm giving her. She has used up all her IF medication insurance coverage. If anyone has leftover stims they could donate, it would be such a blessing. Please let me know.

Two Week Wait OBSESSING — A question for the internets

2008-11-28T22:51:00.002-05:00

I have a question for the internets. It's 5dp3dt, I have a bit of CM. Does that mean anything? My boobs are a little bit tender. Normally 8 days past ovulation I would have very tender PMS boobs. Hmmmmm! There's no getting around obsessing during the 2WW!

Elf update

2008-11-27T12:02:00.001-05:00

Did you watch? DD was the tall elf in green, wearing shades. I hope he told Santa what we want!!!

ISO the Golden Egg

I've Moved!

Reclaiming My Space In The Blogosphere

Not a “real” blog post, but how can I not update you all.

Taking a break.

To Anonymous in Wisconsin

I’m not exaggerating. Really!

Quick Update

Mushy Update

The good and the bad.

Pay it Forward Fridays — Got Embies?

A Magnificent Flicker

I’ve been a bad blogger. (Updated)

For Aunt K

Fourth Beta — Guess I'm REALLY Knocked Up!

Because I'm a NUT!

Third Beta

Actions Speak Louder Than Words — SOCKSESS!!

425!!!

SNORK IS HERE!!!!

195!!!!!!

Please go shopping for a GREAT cause!

It's DARKER!!!

Dead Hard Drive

Saturday Pee Report

Check out the triplets!

Screwed!

Because I’m special, DAMN IT!!

Quick update.

Mel’s Show and Tell — A Cautionary Tale

Send In The Clowns????

Looking good!

Up The Hill Backwards

Must add this nut to my blogroll!

Maybe This Time

Officially Not Pregnant — It's Gonna Take a Village (*edited with extra info added*)

Family of Choice — Love Trumps Blood

Thursday Pee Report (Resenting Progesterone)

Wednesday Pee Report (I don't think there's a chance in Hell.)

Tuesday Pee Report (A little too soon to book plane tickets, but ...)

Monday Pee Report :-(

No line (yet).

How soon did you get a positive pee stick?

Chocolate and Beets

Baby See, Baby Do!

Mel’s Show & Tell — My Canadian Adventure!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Feeling the LOVE!!

No vacancy!

6, 5, 4 — YES! WE! CAN!

Here I Am!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Receiving is Giving

Stripey Goodness — 10.8mm! Triple Stripe!!

I guess my mom’s okay after all

Update

Mel’s Show & Tell — Lucky SOCKS and Beads

Pay it Forward Fridays — 7 on the 7th

Have you seen this?

Mushy chooses ...

Last change to enter the GIVEAWAY!!

Suppressed and De-stressed

Unrelenting Drama

Fucking ovaries! Who needs them!

Embracing Single Motherhood

The cart before the horse? Help!

Lupron Migraine

I feel giddy! How weird is that?

Mel’s Show & Tell — Frozen Embryo Transfer, Step by Step

Pay it Forward Fridays — Party On, Duckies!

A Photo Tag from Kristin

A Day of Hope x 2!

Why don’t you just adopt?

Mel’s Show & Tell — The first (and only) baby gift

Hey, Lurky Loos! Say hello!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Vote for The Stirrup Queen!

"It must be in the wrist."

High Anxiety!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Because it’s FUN!

Peaceful Places

Naturally Timed FET vs Suppression?

Pay it Forward Fridays — Hormones for Christmas

Officially Not Pregnant — It's Gonna Take a Village (edited with extra info added)