Sunday, August 31, 2008

Show & Tell

My first time participating in Mel's Show & Tell. I decided to do a 9-11 post, since I missed the deadline for the September 11th 100 Words Project.

I live in NYC. I was unemployed on September 11th, 2001. I'm not a morning person, so I was sleeping at the time of the attack. My phone started ringing. I rolled over and looked at the caller id. It was my cousin. I didn't answer, figuring I'd call her later. After not answering for a while, I finally answered the phone at about 10am and found out what was happening.

I started volunteering at ground zero two days later. In the beginning there was very little security. A couple of friends and I just walked down to the site and started helping. We ferried snacks and coffee from the Red Cross stations to the men working on the pile. The Pile. The 6 story high, still smoking, pile of rubble. Walking past rows of burned out cars. We came home sore, with our clothes covered in a fine grey dust. Once security was tightened I began working with the Red Cross in their respite centers. Since I was walking in and out of "the zone," I was given a hard hat to protect from possible falling debris from rooftops.

My mementos from those days.

Now seven years later, my retrieval may very well fall on September 11th. My child would be conceived that day. Somehow this feels significant.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

What to do today

Today is day 3 of stims. Not feeling anything, except anxiety. My mind mainly wanders to the possible (and likely) bad outcomes. Not enough follicles on Tues to continue. Not enough follicles for retrieval. No embies make it to transfer. Transfer okay, but nothing sticks. Positive beta, but ectopic. Positive beta, but miscarriage. I'm particularly obsessing about miscarriages. 50% miscarriage rate at my age is terrifying. Add being single to all these fears and they multiply. I know it's not helpful to imagine being all alone and having a big messy miscarriage, but that's what my brain is doing.

Back to today. First day of a 3 day weekend. I have a ton of cleaning and organizing to do in my apartment. It's a mess and really needs attention. But damn it, I'm cycling and my mind is a bigger mess than the apt. It's also likely that if I stay home with the intention of cleaning I'll probably spend most of the day with my macbook on my lap. I think I need to get out, but I'm really not feeling sociable. I might take a commuter train to a little town on the Hudson river. It's a cute little town with a riverside park and a cute little main street with shops and cafes, all right by the train station. Even the train ride in both directions is picturesque
along the river. The only problem with that plan is $$$. I just can't help feel I should stay home and clean and not spend money. I'm feeling like I've been bleeding money lately. The $476 I had to pay an electrician on Thursday really stung! Oh, fuck it! I'm cycling. I need to be good to myself. It's not like I'll spend a ridiculous amount. I'll mostly window shop. Besides, if I do find something I want to buy, it could very well be on sale. It is that time of year.

Friday, August 29, 2008

The "old lady" dose

This is my daily dose of stims! I heard it referred to somewhere as the "old lady" dose. I sent this picture to DD (donor daddy) who emailed me back saying: "Oh my god!!! This had better work for your sanity's sake." My response: "Sanity? Is that a requirement for motherhood? Oh, shit!"

Thursday, August 28, 2008

911 baby!

Oh, yeah, I forgot to tell you. I was looking at my calendar after I got the go ahead to start stims today and realized that if the RE is accurate with his estimate, I will trigger after 12 days of stims and have my retrieval on September 11th. This means something. Don't know what, but something. What do you think it means?

My first IVF injection

Well, I injected eight vials of hormones into my belly fat. It was so time consuming to mix up all eight vials that the shot itself was anticlimactic. So far I have none of the bad reactions I've read about from the injection. No terrible stinging and welts. I'd read that repronex in particular can do that, but so far, all's well. Just a tiny, red, slightly itchy belly dot. Took my letrozole.

Are we making eggs yet?

I really appreciate the lovely comments and have been trying to visit you all. I will post more tomorrow, since my boss will be out. Day before 3 day weekend + boss not in = official goof off day. But now I think I need to veg with the homemade chocolate ice cream I made last weekend.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008


Just a quick update. (Very busy at work today.) Got the call from my clinic a little while ago, it's a go! The cyst wasn't completely gone, but had shrunk enough not to be a problem. They just called to tell me my estradiol was okay (didn't get the number, it was the nurse with a thick accent, so I'm just glad I got the instructions I needed), so I start stims Thursday night!! 6 vials of gonal-f, 2 vials of repronex, and 2 letrozole pills for the first 5 nights.

Thanks to those who have stopped by. Special thanks to those who left comments. Thanks for welcoming me to this side of the blogisphere.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Waiting suuuuuuucks!!!!

Date with the dildocam early tomorrow morning. I should go to sleep so I can function better at work after my appt, but let's face it, how I feel tomorrow is going to have more to do with the results of my ultrasound than how much sleep I get tonight.

My first blog post

This will just be a short hello as I set things up.

I've been reading IF blogs for months now and have gotten so much comfort from them. I've been thinking about joining in for a while, but haven't been sure what I could add. My mind is racing non-stop with fear and anxiety, so if nothing else, maybe typing it out will have some calming effect.

My story of how I wound up at 45, TTC as a SMC is as complicated as any. I will probably explain in detail at a later point. At the moment, my biggest problem has been getting out of the gate. I've had 3 cancelled IVF cycles due to cysts. I go to my clinic tomorrow morning after 14 days on birth control pills to see if the latest cyst has resolved. Anyone reading, please think good thoughts that my ovaries will be picture perfect for the vagi cam tomorrow.

I feel very grateful that a good friend has agreed to be my sperm donor. We have an agreement that is somewhat uncommon. We are hoping to create a unique 21st century family. I will be the custodial parent and he will not pay any child support, but we will be a family. He will be "daddy." We hammered out these issues before he agreed, and FWIW, we have a legal agreement. I think of him as "donor daddy" rather than just a sperm donor. We have know each other since our mid-teens and love and trust each other. He is also gay and has been in a LTR for over 14 years. He would not have said yes to me if his partner had not been okay with it. He thought long and hard about his decision, and probably wouldn't have agreed if his mother and sister had serious objections. (Sis is ready to start knitting booties!)

I just wish our odds were better than about 5%.

5% chance of "take home" baby. Not good. But it's all I've got right now.