Saturday, November 29, 2008

Mel's Show & Tell — The Boot

Well, the new podiatrist I saw on Wednesday agrees that it's likely tendonitis (anterior and posterior tibial tendons). He wouldn't rule out a fracture (although thought it unlikely) or a tear, but agreed we should not subject my delicate little embie to an x-ray or mri. He said I would heal faster immobilized. Thus, the boot. So I'm clomping around in the boot with a cane. I'm telling people I'm in little old lady training. Oooh, do I get cranky when people with packages crowd into the elevators in the subway instead of using the stairs!

Clomped my way to Brooklyn on Thanksgiving to spend it with DD and his family at the home of friends of his. Awesome food and great company. Saw DD's sister for the first time since starting all this. She greeted me like a long lost sister. (Hi Aunt D!) She is so excited about the prospect of being an aunt. His stunning 18 year old niece has volunteered for diaper duty. His 2 grown nephews, not so much. Aunt D attempted to entice me to visit with the child, who is just a glimmer right now, by telling me they have a tree house.

This kid is going to have so much love! We must try not to smooch him or her to death!

BTW, DD wasn't trying to be cool with the shades during the parade. Those are his regular glasses, they're photosensitive lenses. I remember him telling me after the parade one year, that driving the sleigh in the parade and seeing the children's faces along the parade route, turned the Jewish boy from Brooklyn into a believer in Santa. No wonder I asked him to father my child.

Oh, and did I mention that since I'm trying to stay off my foot this weekend I'm really bored. Not a good thing combined with the dreaded 2 week wait!

Don't forget to check what the rest of the class is showing this week!

Sad news about my friend's cycle. Her embie didn't make it. Thank you from both of us for all the good wishes. She will try again in January at a different clinic. I have a little bit of meds left from my cycle that I'm giving her. She has used up all her IF medication insurance coverage. If anyone has leftover stims they could donate, it would be such a blessing. Please let me know.

Friday, November 28, 2008

Two Week Wait OBSESSING — A question for the internets

I have a question for the internets. It's 5dp3dt, I have a bit of CM. Does that mean anything? My boobs are a little bit tender. Normally 8 days past ovulation I would have very tender PMS boobs. Hmmmmm! There's no getting around obsessing during the 2WW!

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Elf update

Did you watch? DD was the tall elf in green, wearing shades. I hope he told Santa what we want!!!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Donor Daddy on TV tomorrow (correction!)

If you turn on the M@cy's Thanksgiving parade for the last few minutes tomorrow you will see DD, in his 6'3" tall elfin splendor, driving Santa's sleigh. DD's partner creates hair pieces (beards, etc.) and wigs for theater. He is also in charge of Santa's hair and beard for the parade. (Oops, correction, kiddies. Of course that's Santa's real hair and beard!!) So for years now the two of them have donned the elf suits and steered the reindeer.

This kid better be good! Daddy knows Santa!

From past parades

Requesting embie mojo for a friend

Hey, internets! A friend (not a blogger) could use your good thoughts and energy.

She went in yesterday for a day 3 transfer of her lone embie and was told it was only 4 cells. Their policy is not to transfer anything under 6 cells on day 3. They are now waiting to see if it goes to blast by day 6. They theorize that if it doesn't culture to blast, it wouldn't be viable in the uterus, thereby saving the cost of the transfer and the agony of a 2ww.

So, if you could please send your growing vibes to this little embryo, it would be greatly appreciated. L will be a great mom!


Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Foot update and questions

Well, it looks like it's just tendonitis. But still, it hurts!!

I called my podiatrist first thing yesterday morning and said it was an emergency. The receptionist told me there was an opening on Friday! WTF?? What part of emergency don't you understand? After some back and forth without a resolution, I told her they'd lost a patient.

Wound up at a walk-in clinic. I waited almost 3 hours to be seen, only to be told it was just tendonitis. The dr said that because of the location of the pain (on the side, towards the top of the foot), the only way to fracture a bone there would be to drop something on it. Which is not what happened.

I have an acupuncture appt after work today for some implantation needling. I'll have her work on the foot as well.

Got a referral for a new podiatrist. I will see him tomorrow, just to confirm the diagnosis.

My questions:

1. How soon after a 3 day transfer can I POAS? I was thinking 7, which would be next Sunday.

2. What's your favorite brand of pee stick? I have 2 at home. A Wa1greens generic ept and a 1st resp0nse. 2 isn't enough!

Thank you all for the good wishes and support!

Monday, November 24, 2008

For those of you that didn't get the movie reference in my Show & Tell post.

My favorite scene from one of my favorite movies, This is Spinal Tap.

Oh, man! This I don't need!

It's nearly 3am as I start this post. Can't sleep and my foot is killing me.

I'm really afraid I may have broken a bone in there. It started on my way to work on Friday. I just took a step that didn't feel right and it started hurting. I have tendonitis in that foot from my flat feet, but that has improved a lot since I got orthotics in August. This pain is close to where the tendonitis is (side of foot on the inside), but a little higher and further back. It has been steadily getting worse, and today has been awful. I'm really limping badly. I've spent most of the day lounging in bed after my transfer this morning, and have had a cold pack on it on and off. Now it's just constantly hurting, and the pain is starting to radiate. It's not swollen. Walking on it is really bad, but it hurts just lying in bed. Tried wrapping it in an ace bandage. Didn't help.

I really don't need this right now. I just want to make a nice calm home for my embryo. Obviously, I can't get an x-ray, but does anyone know if they can see a break on an ultrasound?

Oh, yeah, to add to my pissiness I bought an electric blanket from Sm@rt B@rgain$ last month. I tested it shortly after I received it, and it worked. But it hasn't been cold enough to use it until tonight. (I'm usually fine with my duvet.) Well, now it's not working. I just checked the website's return policy, and thankfully I have 30 days from when I received it, not from order date. So I have a few more days. Of course they are sold out of the one I purchased (although I'm not sure I'd trust the same brand (Be@utirest)). The only one thet have in stock now is $25 more, and doesn't give a brand name. I know, it's just a little thing, but I'm hormonal and pissy and just want some peacefulness.

Anyone know if vag progesterone makes you cranky? Grrrrrrr!!

Should I just consider this sleeplessness practice for motherhood?

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Mel’s Show & Tell — Our embie goes to 11!

Anyone get the film reference in the title?

Well, we transferred an 11 cell, grade b/c day 3 embryo today. That my little lone embie grew to 11 cells makes me feel somewhat hopeful. From everything I've read/heard 8 cells on day 3 is considered very good. Let's hope this is the little embie that could!

Donor Daddy couldn't make it today, so a good friend came with me. "Aunt M" was great! Didn't get a picture of the embryo for Show & Tell, but got a fun shot of Aunt M (face blurred for anonymity) in her coveralls and cap.

Grow little embie! Dig in deep in the nice lining mommy grew for you.

Take a look at what the rest of the class is showing this week.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Houston, we have cell division. Day 1 and counting down.

One egg has fertilized. I'm scheduled for transfer Sunday morning. All I can do is hope that our little embryo is looking good then.

Thank you all so much for all the good wishes and support. It really helps. I know you’ll all be there during the dreaded two week wait. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

BTW, Donor Daddy has expressed a wish to comment here. Go ahead! I'm sure my readers will be interested and welcoming. :-)

Thursday, November 20, 2008


Left home at the crack of dawn. A few flurries in the air. Easy subway ride at that hour. Busy, but not crowded, and no delays. Called Donor Daddy when I got out of the subway. We arrived at the clinics building at the same time, so walked in together like the couple we're pretending to be. We rode up the elevator with the receptionist, so I was the first retrieval of the day. DD had to sign and initial the hundred or so spots on the consent forms. The consent forms for freezing seemed silly for us. Even if I had a ton of follies, and made a ton of embies, at my age everything would be transferred. I really think the only chance for me to wind up with multiples with my own crusty eggs would be if one split. (Yikes! For some reason, the idea of identicals freaks me out.)

I was taken back for retrieval and DD was taken to do his thing. As I'm changing into the gown, he called me twice with questions while filling out yet another form. (He couldn't remember what year I was born. My birthday he remembers because it's his parents' wedding anniversary.) "Hey, I'm trying to get naked here!"

Retrieval was uneventful. We got 2 eggs. All I can do now is hope for a good fertilization report tomorrow. Then, hopefully, we have something to transfer on Sunday. Waiting around in recovery was just boring. No problems afterwards. DD got me some food to bring home and put me in a taxi.

So, for the rest of the day I ate, napped and snuggled my kitties. Some pain, but no big deal. Peeing a lot, despite eating salty foods to draw the fluid from the empty follies. (Thanks to the internets for that tip.) Maybe my swollen ovary is pressing on my bladder.

So, overall, okay. I wish we'd gotten more, but my poor old ovaries did their best.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I'm so excited! A dr is going to poke me in the vagina with a big needle!

Ya like the title?

Retrieval Thursday!!! For those of you keeping track, I have a 22.5, 18.5, 16 and 13! Lining, nice and stripey. I shot up my last dose of stims at the clinic after my u/s. (Thanks to L for telling me to bring them!) Trigger shot tonight. A little nervous about that, but I know I can do it.

This is such a rollercoaster! I was feeling so down and sorry for myself last night. I started writing a pathetic, whiney post on my itouch riding the subway home last night. Then when I got home there was a big box in front of my door. Turned out to be a lot of packaging for small items. LUCKY IVF SOCKS!! Sent to me by a sweet wannabe SMC blogger. (Hint: her retrieval is Thursday, too!!) Since I need to do laundry and am very low on clean socks, I wore them for my monitoring this morning. They worked!!

In case anyone's interested, here's the whine I wrote last night. I feel better now.

This just sucks! Sucks bad. I know it's the massive dose of hormones, but right now I'm so down. Even if every egg I'm cooking fertilizes, the chances of any of them being genetically normal is so slim.

Okay, some of this is aggravated by an incident with my boss. He gave me something to work on last week that I'm just not good at. Then when the requester didn't like it, he got very anxious and uptight. I need this job. The economy sucks, but I feel too crappy to kiss ass.

Then after work I went to the podiatrist and got a cortisone shot in my heel for planter fasciitis. Fucking hurt like hell! The dr kindly told me it was okay to scream, since I was the last patient of the day. Damn, stims and ganire1ex will be a breeze tonight.

Tonight for some reason I feel particularly alone.

Then I came home to a totally cool present and kitties who love me. And I have my internets rooting for me!

Monday, November 17, 2008


And a newbie under 10. Lining, a plump 8.5.

Back again tomorrow morning. These were not the numbers I thought I heard, but I called with a question and this is what they read off. Oh, and the nurse who took down the numbers wrote down the wrong side.

So, if the little ones don't catch up, we'll sacrifice the dominant follie and stim the 2 smaller ones for an IUI. I WANT A RETRIEVAL! My clinic is adamant about not going to retrieval without 3 good sized follies. Some top clinics in NY want 4.

Oh, well. Another restless night and early morning stick and wanding. Joy.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Mel's Show and Tell — Furry Edition

There seems to be a trend toward showing off our furry family members this week. Since everyone enjoyed the picture of the Mushter I posted the other day, I thought I'd post more of my lolcats.

Wilson and Mushy love to play.

Wilson makes me late for work.
Awww, cuddle for 5 more minutes!

Don't forget to check what the rest of the class is showing this week.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Righty's hanging tough

Woo hoo! I have 3 follicles! Two are small, but big enough to count. Continuing stims and another check on Monday. Today was the shortest wait for morning monitoring I've ever had. Got my favorite monitoring RE, too. All in all, except for the rain, not a bad morning.

Came home and found a package in front of my door. It was a wonderful good luck charm from another blogger.

I'm single, alone on a Saturday night, but life is okay. I'm growing follies and I am getting closer to making it to retrieval.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Pay it Forward Fridays — Roundup edition

This week’s PIF post is all over the place. A miscellaneous PIF roundup.

First of all, although the U.T.E.R.U.S. Brigade fundraiser has reached its goal, there are more donated items that will give us a head start for the next recipient(s). There are some great items listed in the U.T.E.R.U.S. Brigade eBay auctions, and some lovely things still available in the U.T.E.R.U.S. Etsy shop. I would like to draw your attention to the jewelry I donated that is listed for auction. There are some really beautiful bracelets that I debated whether to donate or not, but I just haven’t worn them in so long. Better for them to have a new home, and be worn and enjoyed. And for such an awesome cause! Start a bidding war!!

Also, regarding the U.T.E.R.U.S. fundraising efforts I want to repost the note from our recipient Mary that Mel posted on LFCA.

A Note to Everyone From Mary:
"What are the right words to say to let a group of people you have never met know that you will be forever grateful to them? How do you let them know that their kindness has touched your broken heart and helped it start to heal? That your dear darling husband feels like some of his faith in human kindness has been restored after it seemed like God Himself was conspiring against us? Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough. But, I don’t have the right words to express the depth of my feelings. I am not a blogger, I am not an eloquent writer. I am just a humble infertile woman who was brought to tears by the wonderful act of kindness bestowed on her. And my life will be forever changed because of your kindness. Thank you doesn’t seem like enough, but it is all I have and it is heartfelt.
With love,~Mary"

Mary, you are so welcome. It’s a gift to us as well. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to make a difference in someone’s life.

Next, I’d like to showcase some terrific organizations that are paying it forward.

Matt Logelin
is partnering with a fantastic organization called My Stuff Bags Foundation. Matt and Madeline have received so many generous gifts that it feels right to spread the generosity.

From Matt’s blog regarding My Stuff Bags mission: “my stuff bags foundation is a non-profit organization that provides abused, abandoned, and neglected children—ranging in age from newborn to 18 years old—throughout the united states with personal belongings to help fulfill their needs and lend a sense of comfort as they are shepherded through the foster care system. using the online gift registry, charitable givers can purchase essential items like clothing, books, art supplies, and toys, which will be forwarded on to the my stuff bags foundation.”

I am also including this link to a post by Matt about an incredible one-on-one PIF experience Matt had when he stopped by Liz’s OB’s office to show off how Maddy had grown since she delivered her. Warning, there’s a whole lot of Maddy cuteness to scroll through to get to the story.

Nunn the Wiser started a great project for the holiday season. She wrote: "I am doing a holiday project this year to come up with nice presents, including preemie clothes, for the parents at my local hospital (where Henry was born) who have preemies in the NICU or SBCU over the holidays.” Click here for more details.

What a wonderful idea! I was a four pound preemie myself. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for my 22 year old mother to leave me behind in the hospital. No kangaroo care way back in the olden days.

One more: Last night I got an email from an organization I donated to last year around the holidays. From their website: “Band of Parents are parents of children diagnosed with a cancer called neuroblastoma who want to help further the research and drug development desperately needed to save more children. Neuroblastoma is an “orphan” cancer; pharmaceutical companies are not developing new treatments because there is not a large enough patient base to make development profitable. Funding from the government is similarly limited. Time is running out for many of our children -- money stands between them and a cure.”

Can you imagine the anguish of being told your child has a rare form of cancer and that no research is being done because it’s so rare? Beyond horrible! The stuff of nightmares! Band of Parents is holding their second annual online bake sale to raise funds and awareness. I can say from personal experience that Liam's Lemon Sugar Cookies are yummy! Buy some cookies, help some children!

Lastly, on a personal note, yesterday I played IVF yenta and helped two people. I introduced two people via email, one who needed help and one who wanted to pay it forward. I think all three of us feel warm and fuzzy about it!


Thursday, November 13, 2008

IVF lolcat

If you read this post you'll understand how thrilled I am to have g0na1-f pens instead of vials to mix up.

This is my cat, Mushy. That's his name because he is such a mush. He loves everyone! He will love a baby.

I'm cooking something!

Went in for my follie check this morning after 5 days of stims. I have ONE follicle measuring 15. And one small one under 10. I know it's not great, but it's better than last time when I had zero response after 7 days. I start ganire1ix tonight. I've never gotten this far before. I'll go in Saturday and hopefully more will be happening. If not, I'll be converted to an IUI. I know most women going through IVF would be upset about one decent follicle, but I'm just relieved that I'm responding at all. This cycle is about closure more than anything. I would be thrilled to get to retrieval and make some embies, but I'll deal with just getting some swimmers near my old egg. All I can do is hope that my pretty follie holds that 1 out of 10 normal egg.


to everyone who commented on my last post. Your support means a lot!

I would love it if hetero, married infertiles questioned their clinics about this kind of discrimination, but I know how hard it is to deal with anything but your cycle when at the clinic.

BTW, regarding discrimination, I found out about the protests in New York about the passage of Prop 8 when I got home from work yesterday. If I had known, I would have gone. If this cycle works I may someday have to explain to my child why mommy (who doesn't have a partner) is legally allowed to be married, but daddy (who's been with his partner for nearly 15 years) can't. Enough already! You love who you love. Period.

Congratulations to the same sex newlyweds and soon to be newlyweds in Connecticut. Rock on nutmeg state!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves

Warning: There is angry swearing in this post!

I had some alternative titles for this post:

Discrimination sucks ASS!

Pundits are right, there ARE two Americas!

Oh, no they didn’t!

Fucking IDIOTS!


How DARE they!

I chose to be more positive with my title. Thanks, Aretha and Annie!

I called my friend’s clinic yesterday to set up a phone consult about the embryo donation. (I refer to her as my friend, because that’s what feels right. This has become more than a donor/recipient relationship.) I was told by the receptionist that the clinic only treats married couples. I was stunned, then enraged!

I suppose I’m spoiled with regard to experiencing discrimination. I’m a Jew living in a city where I am not a minority. I went to school (ALL my school years) with people of just about every skin tone, religion and nationality imaginable. I live in a community like that. I was even in a wedding party with a gay man who’s a drag performer. (While I won’t say he was the prettiest bridesmaid, he had the best legs!) This experience with the clinic blindsided me.

According to the CDC, about 16% of fertility clinics in the US will not treat single women. I consulted with 4 New York City clinics before deciding where to cycle. I was NEVER asked my marital status. I was asked if I had a partner, so they would know what steps to take to get me pregnant. I.e., is there a partner who needs to be tested, or would I be using donor sperm.

Insurance companies discriminate in terms of providing treatment to the “sperm challenged” by insisting that a woman tries on her own for a certain number of cycles. Should single heteros and lesbian start hitting bars? Not exactly a medically sound idea. Jo lives in a state that mandates insurance companies to pay for fertility treatments, but only for married couples. Single women must pay out of pocket. ART treatments are already discriminatory due to cost. You either need to have insurance coverage, have the means to pay out of pocket, or be willing to go into debt.

Of course, you know that a child conceived by a married couple will be raised in a stable two parent home. Yeah, right!

I might have a two parent home someday, but so what?

Does your clinic discriminate against singles and same sex couples? Were you asked your marital status? Did you have to prove it? I would love it if my readers questioned their clinics about this. If they do discriminate, ask them if they treat women of color. Of course they will say they would not discriminate based on skin color. How is this different? If a doctor has a moral issue with helping singles and same sex couples become pregnant, they should not specialize in reproductive endocrinology. Go into dermatology.

I think we will probably move the embryos to another clinic. Honestly, I really would rather not have these narrow minded people up in my crotch.

Addendum to yesterdays post

I was on the subway this morning on my way to work, sitting next to someone reading the New York Times, and spotted this article.

Veterans’ Families Seek Aid for Caregiver Role

I am, once again, grateful for the events of last Tuesday.

We must do better. We will do better.

As Cara said, I think it's become my mantra. YES WE CAN!

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Veterans Day 2008 — Yes we can!

I work in midtown Manhattan, on Fifth Avenue. I just went out to pick up some lunch and watched a little of the Veterans Day parade go by. I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for our President-Elect.

Yes we can bring our soldiers home to their loved ones.

Yes we can do a better job of supporting our military families.

Yes we can provide top notch healthcare to all vets and their families, but particularly to the returning wounded.

I know there’s much more, but that’s just off the top of my hormone addled head.

After I brought my lunch back to my desk, I grabbed my camera and went back downstairs.

Love this one. Here's a close up.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Mel’s Show and Tell — Consolation Prizes

Late for class, but wanted to add to the cool Show & Tell posts this week.

When my first IVF cycle was cancelled in June I decided to finally get the tattoo I’d been thinking about for a few years. I was hoping an illustrator friend of mine would do a drawing for me, but she was preparing for a show, so was too busy. I emailed my tattoo artist with some images, then called and set up an appointment. (Side note: I’ve known my tattoo artist since he was 10 years old. I dated his older brother when I was a teenager. Can’t help it, I still think of him as the nosy kid who’d poke his head in big bro’s room and ask, “What are you doing?”) He had a drawing ready for me, but I made him rework it a couple of times until I was satisfied. I LOVE IT!

Lots of nebulous reasons for the imagery. The Dickinson poem I quoted in this post sums it up pretty well. Also, this lyric from my favorite Jonathan Larson song:

Cages or wings
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds
Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words

Click here to hear a sound clip (#12).

My hair almost always covers this tat. It’s sort of my little secret.

Second cancelled cycle I bought this from a cool Etsy seller.

I decided when I bought him that he would be a Pay it Forward Fuck Bunny. I’m not quite ready to give him up yet, but when I am (when I have my “take home baby”?), I’m sure I can find a good home for him within our community. I’m thinking this should be a self nominating prize.

Cancelled cycle number 3. I love Etsy! I found this wonderful jeweler who does custom orders. She made me this beautiful ring. (Sorry the photos aren’t better.)

The ring arrived the day I started stims for number 4. Cycle 4 was cancelled after 7 days of stims due to lack of response.

This time I was done with consolation prizes.

Cycle 5, cysts again.

Now here we are at cycle 6. The last hurrah for my poor beleaguered ovaries. As I’ve mentioned, the plan this time is to continue stims regardless of my response. If I don’t get at least 3 follies, we will do an IUI.

I’m not expecting a miracle. I think I’ve already gotten my share of miracles from my embie donor. Our connection and the feelings we have for each other feels damn miraculous! It’s a strange thing to think that my child is probably already conceived. He or she is waiting to come to me. I can’t wait to meet this wonderful little person!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Pay it Forward Fridays — One day late again

I has been a week!!!

I have received so much! I don’t know how I can ever pay it forward enough.

The only way I can think to even begin to pay forward the incredible gift I’ll be receiving is to be the best mom I can be. I will do my very best to raise my child to be a good person. IMO, that’s the most important thing, the rest is gravy. Of course, I will also try to be a great “aunt” to my donor’s children. My child’s genetic siblings. I’ll try not to spoil them too much! ;-) And, not to toot my own horn, but one thing I can confidently say about myself is that I am a very loyal friend. I’m thrilled about the new deep friendship I’m forming with my donor.

Oh, and I also made a small donation to Cara’s (Building Heavenly Bridges) project. That’s actually a little selfish, I’m superstitiously donating in hopes that I will never need the services she is looking to provide for parents who lose a child. Bless her for doing this. Truly magnificent way to honor her Emma’s memory.

I can’t resist saying it again … YES WE CAN!

Let's hear it for the girls!

Day 2 u/s and b/w today. My ovaries are cyst free for the first time since June (other than the cycle preceded by 2 weeks of bcps)!! Woo hoo!! I get to shoot up tonight!

This cycle is about closure me. The chances of it working are soooooooo low, but I want to give my poor old ovaries a chance at one full cycle. I also want to give Donor Daddy a fair shot at this. But going in to the clinic this morning felt so different than past day 2 visits. (Even before I got the good news that my ovaries looked pretty.) I'm not ambivalent about this cycle, but I'm relaxed. (OMG, sorry for using the "R" word!) I honestly don't think my relaxed state will have any effect on the outcome. Either my ovaries are going to give up a good egg this cycle or they won't. Just the reality of 45 year old oocytes.

This is all getting me closer to my goal. I feel it coming.

Friday, November 7, 2008

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all

- Emily Dickinson

As promised, my good news. Someone has agreed to give me her embryos. For the first time since beginning all this I have real hope. I’d forgotten how good hope feels.

My baby is coming!!!!

This situation feels so completely different than it did with the other woman I was talking with. While I’ve been hoping for a situation that just felt right, it’s been hard to have faith that it would happen. It’s happening! It’s really happening! My embryo donor wants to help me become a mom. We have clicked on so many levels, I truly believe that no matter the outcome, we are building a lifelong friendship. I feel so honored by her generosity.

I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

We have shed tears for each other. Soon, I hope we will be shedding tears of joy together.


I have flow. It's red. Oh, well.

To the clinic tomorrow for day 2 b/w and u/s.

Maybe I'll pick up some sushi for dinner.


I never win anything. The last contest I can remember winning was at a birthday party when I was around 8 or 9. We had to guess how many M&Ms were in a jar. I came closest, and won the jar of M&Ms. This time I won a yummy jar of homemade salsa from Lori and Chicklet’s All Thumbs review site. It arrived yesterday. I didn’t have any chips, but I tasted it anyway. YUM!!

So peeps, to lighten up from the current drama, what your favorite salsa dipping chip? Low brow or high brow. I may hit Wh0le F00ds later, so the choices are numerous.

Mmmmm, I’m envisioning getting my jar of salsa, a bag of chips, and settling in to watch What Not To Wear tonight. My exciting life.

Have you been tossing and turning all night waiting for an update?

Oh, I guess that’s just Cara. ;-) I didn’t sleep well either, but for good reasons that I will write about separately. Those developments deserve their own post.

So, the news on Dora’s Egg Watch ’08 is that there’s really no news. I had a little spotting a few times yesterday, but often there was nothing (‘cept pee). No flow at all. The spotting is brownish, definitely not red. When I went to pee at 1am last night and had no spotting at all, I decided not to go into the clinic this morning. Yesterday was not day 1. Today, no spotting. A little cramping, but I’ve been eating crap, I could be a little backed up. I still really, really doubt that I’m … you know. Even if by some miracle I am, the miscarriage rate for 45 year old eggs is 50%. But as Donor Daddy said to me the other day, if the black man can win in a landslide, the 45 year old can get knocked up. Theoretically. Boy what a week it would be, Obama elected and single chick gets pregnant from a DIY insem with her gay friend’s spunk. What’s the world coming to? :-)

If there’s no flow by the end of my work day, maybe I’ll pick up a different brand of pee stick. What’s your favorite?

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Pay it Forward Challenge

I wrote last week about buying a brownie for a coworker who was laid off. She stopped by my office on Monday to thank me again. She was so touched that I thought of her. Really, it was so easy.

My challenge to you is to do something unexpected for someone and write about it. Either here or on your own blog.

A friend told me that yesterday she was feeling so good about Obama’s victory that when she was getting coffee from a drive-thru she told them she wanted to pay for a coffee for the person in the car behind her. I believe she brightened 2 people’s day, the person she bought the coffee for and the barista.

This isn’t a contest. It’s not at all about how much you spend. It’s about spreading good will simply because you can.

Sorry to seem repetitive, but YES WE CAN!

My body is messing with my head.

Well, I didn't quite bleed on the pee stick, but saw a bit of spotting when I wiped after POAS. Definitely negative test. Now, 4 1/2 hours later, I just went to the bathroom, and no spotting at all. WTF?!?!

Have I mentioned that I HATE THIS PART SO MUCH!!!

Thank you all so much for the kind and loving comments to my last post. Smooches to you all!

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I pour out my heart to you. Please be gentle.

I have been contacted by a couple of people who might be willing to donate frozen embryos to me. It means so much to me that other women have read my ramblings and feel that they may be willing to help me become a mom. It gives me such hope. All the support and love I receive here gives me hope. Even though I’m working towards becoming a single mom, I’m not doing it on my own. I have peeps. And, YES. WE. CAN!

I figured there may be others out there with embryos to donate, so it couldn’t hurt to answer some questions I’ve been asked here and to do some more rambling about my plans, hopes and dreams. First of all, to the anonymous commenter with the embie, please email me. (

It may be confusing that I’m looking into embryo donation while still trying with my eggs. Honestly, I have pretty much given up hope with my eggs. I am very serious about attempting to get pregnant through embryo donation very soon, but I know that it could take time to find the right situation and to set things up. In the meantime, I have enough meds for one full IVF cycle at max “old lady dose.” I have enough insurance coverage for the monitoring and procedures, but then I will be done with my eggs as far as putting my limited resources towards them. I have a lifetime cap for IF coverage, and another round of meds would exhaust my coverage completely. Several REs have recommended that I not use my resources towards trying with my old eggs and low reserve. If a wonderful woman hadn’t donated her leftover g0nal-f to me, I doubt I would be giving it this last try. Stopping after this cycle will still leave me insurance coverage for FETs, which will make the next step somewhat less stressful.

My plan with my RE for this next cycle is to continue stimming regardless of my response (or lack of one). If I’m lucky enough to have at least 3 good sized follicles, I’ll have a retrieval. If I don’t get at least 3 (I’m sure I’ll get at least one, since I’m still ovulating every month), I’ll have an IUI. This is, of course, assuming that the home insem I did 12 days ago didn’t work. Regarding the home insems, I figure if I had a partner, regardless of the low odds, we’d still try timed baby dancing if I wasn’t cycling, so what the hell.

I feel like actively looking into embryo donation is going to help me manage my emotions during this last ditch effort, and the last ditch effort helps me feel like I’m still actively doing something to try to get pregnant while trying to set up an embryo donation situation. Some people feel they need to close one door before opening another. I have a multitasking brain. I prefer to think ahead. My BFF’s brain doesn’t work that way. When she was pregnant, she would read the chapter on month 6 when she reached month 6, month 7 when she reached month 7, etc. We understand that we’re just different that way, and after some chafing, have learned to be supportive of each other’s styles.

Anyway, back to my message to possible embie donors. One woman who contacted me asked about my support system as a future single mom. I think I have a great support system. My immediate family lives about an hours drive from me. I’m sure I will get a lot of support from them, but truthfully, the distance is a good thing. My sister is a single mom. (My niece is 10.) She separated from her ex-husband when my niece was about a year old. (Ex started cheating on her when she was pg. Nice.) My sister moved down the block from my mother to have the extra help. My sister gets plenty of help, but the price is my mother completely in her business. They drive each other crazy! They both come to me with complaints about the other. (They hate it when I tell them they’re both wrong. Hee hee.) If I were to move closer to my mother and sister, I’d wind up blogging from the funny farm. I will be very grateful for their help, but will also be happy to send them home.

My friends, on the other hand, are my family of choice. I have many friends who I’ve known for decades. They’ve been very supportive of my choice to become a single mom. My BFF is truly my sister from another mother. We met when we were 14 years old. On the very first day of high school, in homeroom. Two kinda nerdy girls looking for a friendly face. After she had her little boy (her donor egg miracle was born 4 weeks ago), I was with her in the NICU as she breastfed him, and a nurse came over and asked who I was. Without hesitation, she hissed, “She’s my sister!” When I saw her gorgeous boy for the first time, she cooed to him, “H, this is so exciting! This is the first time you’re seeing your Aunt Dora!” We are family. As is my known donor, who, regardless of how my child is conceived, will be a terrific male role model for my child. This child will have so many honorary aunts and uncles. I am also starting to get my feet wet with the local single mothers by choice community. They are awesome resources, and I anticipate some deep friendships will develop.

As to what kind of relationship I’m looking for with a donor, it’s all about the needs of the child. The least I’m looking for is someone who is willing to be contacted by the child when he or she turns 18. Beyond that, whatever feels comfortable for all involved. Maybe emails and photos, maybe getting together now and then. It might be nice for our children to know each other while growing up, if that feels right. I’m very flexible about this. What I want most is a situation that everyone is comfortable and happy with, with the well being of our children as top priority.

More about me.

As I mentioned in a previous post, children are drawn to me. They seem to sense very quickly that I am adult who won’t talk down to them, but will also roll around on the floor and be silly with them.

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I assumed I would have my first child by age 30. Thank goodness I didn’t have a child with the man I was with in my 20s! No need for a rundown of my long and short term relationships, but suffice it to say that my fertility slipped away while I tried to create my ideal family. I’m done waiting. My child will have everything he or she needs. My child will be so loved and wanted. There will be “aunts” and “uncles” lining up to help and to shower this child with love. Not to mention the internet aunties sharing this journey with me.

I have a job with a big corporation that can absolutely be done from home. It will take some negotiating, but I believe I can convince the powers that be that this will benefit everyone. I live in a culturally diverse neighborhood that is filled with children and babies, and has a well rated school system.

Single parenthood will be a challenge, but as I said to someone recently, not as hard as not having the child I desperately want.

BTW, other than aches and pains that are basically stress related, I’m very healthy. I’ve had extra testing done to check for clotting and immune issues, and they came back fine. My doctors have assured me that I should have no problem carrying a pregnancy to term. No problems with regard to chasing around a toddler. The hot flashes may be kicking in around that time, but whatever. I’ll open the window.

So there you have it. I would be happy to answer more questions, either here or by email.

Wanna help me get knocked up?

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

I will sleep well tonight

Listening to the concession speech! So relieved.

Congratulations President Elect Obama!

Pregnant or PMS?

Well, it's one or the other. My boobs hurt and I'm soooo hungry. Especially for naughty things. (I picked up a KFC chicken pot pie for dinner.) Odds are about 98-99% for PMS. Still. I surged a week ago last Friday. If I don't see red by Thursday I might just POAS. Probably a waste of a pee stick. Isn't my optimism inspiring? Maybe I need to relax. Bwahahahahaha!!

Clicking through my blogroll while waiting to vote

I voted. I had about an hour long wait, not too bad. It was made easier by hooking into a wifi network with my new itouch (a gift from my BFF, who owed me a holiday gift from last year and a birthday gift from June). So I read my peeps while waiting.

Now the real waiting begins.

Can we please have a winner by bedtime?

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Pay it Forward Fridays — one day late

I am so thrilled that the U.T.E.R.U.S. Brigade fundraiser has reached our goal! I am so happy to be a part of helping Vee and Mary. Big shout out to the bloggers who set up the auctions and Etsy shop and did all the behind the scenes stuff. Who shot my stork?, Creating Motherhood, Here We Go Again, Everyday Stranger, and of course, The Stirrup Queen, herself. You rock! I'm looking forward to reading about Vee and Max's trip. Boy, do they need it!

I did try to brighten someone's day today. I found out that a coworker is being let go. Damn recession! She's been there 8 1/2 years and her job is being eliminated. She really works hard and has been a loyal employee. Her job duties will be split among a few people and I'm sure will not be done to her high standards. What a crappy time of year to be laid off. Not much I could do, but on my lunch break I stopped by the Tre@ts Truck and got her a yummy homemade brownie. I told her it was medicinal chocolate. Not much, but it did give her a lift that I thought of her. The additional benefit is that I always feel good patronizing this wonderful small business. (And, yes, I got something for myself, too.)

BTW, thank you for all the warm responses to my last post. It helped.