Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I pour out my heart to you. Please be gentle.

I have been contacted by a couple of people who might be willing to donate frozen embryos to me. It means so much to me that other women have read my ramblings and feel that they may be willing to help me become a mom. It gives me such hope. All the support and love I receive here gives me hope. Even though I’m working towards becoming a single mom, I’m not doing it on my own. I have peeps. And, YES. WE. CAN!

I figured there may be others out there with embryos to donate, so it couldn’t hurt to answer some questions I’ve been asked here and to do some more rambling about my plans, hopes and dreams. First of all, to the anonymous commenter with the embie, please email me. (

It may be confusing that I’m looking into embryo donation while still trying with my eggs. Honestly, I have pretty much given up hope with my eggs. I am very serious about attempting to get pregnant through embryo donation very soon, but I know that it could take time to find the right situation and to set things up. In the meantime, I have enough meds for one full IVF cycle at max “old lady dose.” I have enough insurance coverage for the monitoring and procedures, but then I will be done with my eggs as far as putting my limited resources towards them. I have a lifetime cap for IF coverage, and another round of meds would exhaust my coverage completely. Several REs have recommended that I not use my resources towards trying with my old eggs and low reserve. If a wonderful woman hadn’t donated her leftover g0nal-f to me, I doubt I would be giving it this last try. Stopping after this cycle will still leave me insurance coverage for FETs, which will make the next step somewhat less stressful.

My plan with my RE for this next cycle is to continue stimming regardless of my response (or lack of one). If I’m lucky enough to have at least 3 good sized follicles, I’ll have a retrieval. If I don’t get at least 3 (I’m sure I’ll get at least one, since I’m still ovulating every month), I’ll have an IUI. This is, of course, assuming that the home insem I did 12 days ago didn’t work. Regarding the home insems, I figure if I had a partner, regardless of the low odds, we’d still try timed baby dancing if I wasn’t cycling, so what the hell.

I feel like actively looking into embryo donation is going to help me manage my emotions during this last ditch effort, and the last ditch effort helps me feel like I’m still actively doing something to try to get pregnant while trying to set up an embryo donation situation. Some people feel they need to close one door before opening another. I have a multitasking brain. I prefer to think ahead. My BFF’s brain doesn’t work that way. When she was pregnant, she would read the chapter on month 6 when she reached month 6, month 7 when she reached month 7, etc. We understand that we’re just different that way, and after some chafing, have learned to be supportive of each other’s styles.

Anyway, back to my message to possible embie donors. One woman who contacted me asked about my support system as a future single mom. I think I have a great support system. My immediate family lives about an hours drive from me. I’m sure I will get a lot of support from them, but truthfully, the distance is a good thing. My sister is a single mom. (My niece is 10.) She separated from her ex-husband when my niece was about a year old. (Ex started cheating on her when she was pg. Nice.) My sister moved down the block from my mother to have the extra help. My sister gets plenty of help, but the price is my mother completely in her business. They drive each other crazy! They both come to me with complaints about the other. (They hate it when I tell them they’re both wrong. Hee hee.) If I were to move closer to my mother and sister, I’d wind up blogging from the funny farm. I will be very grateful for their help, but will also be happy to send them home.

My friends, on the other hand, are my family of choice. I have many friends who I’ve known for decades. They’ve been very supportive of my choice to become a single mom. My BFF is truly my sister from another mother. We met when we were 14 years old. On the very first day of high school, in homeroom. Two kinda nerdy girls looking for a friendly face. After she had her little boy (her donor egg miracle was born 4 weeks ago), I was with her in the NICU as she breastfed him, and a nurse came over and asked who I was. Without hesitation, she hissed, “She’s my sister!” When I saw her gorgeous boy for the first time, she cooed to him, “H, this is so exciting! This is the first time you’re seeing your Aunt Dora!” We are family. As is my known donor, who, regardless of how my child is conceived, will be a terrific male role model for my child. This child will have so many honorary aunts and uncles. I am also starting to get my feet wet with the local single mothers by choice community. They are awesome resources, and I anticipate some deep friendships will develop.

As to what kind of relationship I’m looking for with a donor, it’s all about the needs of the child. The least I’m looking for is someone who is willing to be contacted by the child when he or she turns 18. Beyond that, whatever feels comfortable for all involved. Maybe emails and photos, maybe getting together now and then. It might be nice for our children to know each other while growing up, if that feels right. I’m very flexible about this. What I want most is a situation that everyone is comfortable and happy with, with the well being of our children as top priority.

More about me.

As I mentioned in a previous post, children are drawn to me. They seem to sense very quickly that I am adult who won’t talk down to them, but will also roll around on the floor and be silly with them.

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I assumed I would have my first child by age 30. Thank goodness I didn’t have a child with the man I was with in my 20s! No need for a rundown of my long and short term relationships, but suffice it to say that my fertility slipped away while I tried to create my ideal family. I’m done waiting. My child will have everything he or she needs. My child will be so loved and wanted. There will be “aunts” and “uncles” lining up to help and to shower this child with love. Not to mention the internet aunties sharing this journey with me.

I have a job with a big corporation that can absolutely be done from home. It will take some negotiating, but I believe I can convince the powers that be that this will benefit everyone. I live in a culturally diverse neighborhood that is filled with children and babies, and has a well rated school system.

Single parenthood will be a challenge, but as I said to someone recently, not as hard as not having the child I desperately want.

BTW, other than aches and pains that are basically stress related, I’m very healthy. I’ve had extra testing done to check for clotting and immune issues, and they came back fine. My doctors have assured me that I should have no problem carrying a pregnancy to term. No problems with regard to chasing around a toddler. The hot flashes may be kicking in around that time, but whatever. I’ll open the window.

So there you have it. I would be happy to answer more questions, either here or by email.

Wanna help me get knocked up?


HereWeGoAJen said...

It sounds to me that you are well prepared! I've got my fingers crossed.

Cara said...

Oh-My, but I am recalling a scene from Season One of the L-Word.

I certainly hope someone out there is ready to knock you up! (I'll edit the letter, ok?)

Anonymous said...

Excellent answers. I understand your ability to multitask and admire your planning ability. I don't think it is a bad thing to attempt to arrange an embryo donation while giving your own eggs one last go round.

I would have no problem donating embryos to you. You sound like you have it all together, and have a great support system in place. I made the same mistake your sister made in moving TOO close to family.... ahhh well. Live and learn!

I wish you luck my friend.


bleu said...

I too spent time looking at egg donation while doing my last 2 ivf's. I was planning on a clinic in India and it helped me to research it and even email the clinic so I totally get what you are saying.

Sending lots of luck to you!!!

Kristin said...

Dora...I am hoping and praying you have success soon. Best of luck toyou.

Anonymous said...

Sounds good to me. I think it's smart to cover all your bases. I'd give you some of my eggs if they were worth a shit!

Good luck!

Anonymous said...

Best of luck to you in your search, sounds like you have a great life! I hope you can share it with a little one soon.