Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Broken

I feel broken. My ovaries are broken. My uterus was broken, I had it fixed, but I’m too broken to make anything to put in there. My heart is broken. My brain … well, let’s just say I’m walking into a room and forgetting what I went there for a lot lately. I’m so tired. Physically and emotionally. I know some of you have been at this for years, but I’m really wondering how much more I can handle.

This cycle went so badly, I’m losing what little hope I had. When I went in last Thursday after 7 days of stims, I was expecting bad news. That didn’t make it easier. A few follicles under 8mm on one side, nothing on the other. Benched. After the indignity of the dildocam, the dr said, “If you want to try again, come in when you get your period.” IF!?! Fuck! Then he asked if I was okay. No, I’m not. He asked if I wanted to talk to one of the social workers at the clinic. I know he meant well, but something about his tone didn’t work for me. (Oh, the joys of a group practice.) I just wanted to get out of there before the tears came.

My best friend’s baby shower on Saturday was difficult to get through. My gifts were a huge hit. (LOVE ETSY!) I was really hoping to be pregnant by now. I guess I should feel lucky to have received only one insensitive comment, but with all the extra hormones in me, it really hurt!

Spoke with the RE on Monday about changing things for next time. We’re going to try c1omid instead of letr0zole with the shots for the first 5 days. I keep reading about c1omid rage. Fun. I also have a call in to an RE at another clinic I consulted with months ago about his opinion on these last few months and my almost total lack response to the protocol. Maybe I’ll switch clinics. I don’t know. I just feel I have to do SOMETHING to improve my chances.

Thanks to those who commented about home insems. I’ve been peeing on OPKs twice a day since Sunday night, so I don’t miss the surge. There’s been a faint line, but definitely not a +. At least at first, I think the line could have been from the LH in the repr0nex. I’ve now read the info out how to do it, and feel ready if I manage to ovulate. I was trying to find out if there’s a difference in the success rate between using a syringe or a diaphragm or instead cup. I’m going to go with the syringe, because I’m too afraid of spilling the seed with the diaphragm or instead cup. I’ve never been very skilled at inserting them.

The good news! I have an angel!

Last Thursday was a fucking rollercoaster. Went to work after the crap at the clinic. I was barely holding it together. Concentrating on work wasn’t happening. So I’m reading blogs and message boards, when I see a post from someone about leftover meds. This wonderful angel, who has a 4 week old daughter, was cleaning out her fridge and found a whole bunch of unexpired meds. She bought them for a cycle, and wound up pregnant on her own! (After many failed cycles!! Okay, she was 40 and I’m 45, but still!) I sent her a message and we started emailing. She is giving me a full cycle’s worth of g0na1-f!!! I wanted to do something for her, but she insists that’s not necessary. (I did buy a little something for her daughter from Etsy that should arrive before I meet her on Monday.) I’ve decided I need to pay it forward. I will be making a donation to help someone else on this journey. I haven’t figured out the details yet, but will soon. I’m going to try to blog about it during IComLeavWe. Maybe I can inspire others to do it as well.

I have very little faith in my ovaries at the moment, but I have enormous faith in this incredible community of women helping each other on this very tough road.

7 comments:

InfertileMadWoman said...

Awww how sweet is that?? I am sorry about the cycle not working, but you know I am glad that you made a friend out of it!! I donated my leftover drugs to a friend going to my clinic to. Not sure if she got pregnant, she stopped talking to me after I gave her the meds....

I will be right here rooting for ya girlie!!!!

Rebel

sarah said...

I am so sorry. It is so hard when you want this more than anything and then your body won't work for you...

How great about the meds!

Shinejil said...

I don't think you're broken, Dora. There are good cycles and bad cycles. The sucky thing: it all costs the same, good or bad. Very, very frustrating.

I totally hear you on being abso-friggin-lutely exhausted. Take really good care of yourself (a massage? a mani-pedi? acupuncture? wholesome but tasty food? a new frock? whatever it takes) and know that you're not alone in your amazing fight to become a mom.

I hope a few other angels come through for you in the next weeks and that you get some loving kindness and support...

I Believe in Miracles said...

My heart is breaking for you. I'm so sad about this cycle. Although -- I'm totally echoing your last comment. That is so true!!

Kristin said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down and discouraged. IF is an absolute b*tch to deal with. It plays games with your emotions, your self-confidence, and your outlook on life. Remember, we are here with you.

Anonymous said...

I have never been called an Angel before!

BTW - just one correction. My daughter L is 4 weeks old, not 4 months. Best of luck to you!

Dora said...

You are definitely an angel. That you appeared on the very day my cycle was cancelled means something.

You are a gem! I hope everyone in your life treats you that way!

BTW, I corrected your daughter's age. Blame it on my complete inability to concentrate lately.