Broken

I feel broken. My ovaries are broken. My uterus was broken, I had it fixed, but I’m too broken to make anything to put in there. My heart is broken. My brain … well, let’s just say I’m walking into a room and forgetting what I went there for a lot lately. I’m so tired. Physically and emotionally. I know some of you have been at this for years, but I’m really wondering how much more I can handle.

This cycle went so badly, I’m losing what little hope I had. When I went in last Thursday after 7 days of stims, I was expecting bad news. That didn’t make it easier. A few follicles under 8mm on one side, nothing on the other. Benched. After the indignity of the dildocam, the dr said, “If you want to try again, come in when you get your period.” IF!?! Fuck! Then he asked if I was okay. No, I’m not. He asked if I wanted to talk to one of the social workers at the clinic. I know he meant well, but something about his tone didn’t work for me. (Oh, the joys of a group practice.) I just wanted to get out of there before the tears came.

My best friend’s baby shower on Saturday was difficult to get through. My gifts were a huge hit. (LOVE ETSY!) I was really hoping to be pregnant by now. I guess I should feel lucky to have received only one insensitive comment, but with all the extra hormones in me, it really hurt!

Spoke with the RE on Monday about changing things for next time. We’re going to try c1omid instead of letr0zole with the shots for the first 5 days. I keep reading about c1omid rage. Fun. I also have a call in to an RE at another clinic I consulted with months ago about his opinion on these last few months and my almost total lack response to the protocol. Maybe I’ll switch clinics. I don’t know. I just feel I have to do SOMETHING to improve my chances.

Thanks to those who commented about home insems. I’ve been peeing on OPKs twice a day since Sunday night, so I don’t miss the surge. There’s been a faint line, but definitely not a +. At least at first, I think the line could have been from the LH in the repr0nex. I’ve now read the info out how to do it, and feel ready if I manage to ovulate. I was trying to find out if there’s a difference in the success rate between using a syringe or a diaphragm or instead cup. I’m going to go with the syringe, because I’m too afraid of spilling the seed with the diaphragm or instead cup. I’ve never been very skilled at inserting them.

The good news! I have an angel!

Last Thursday was a fucking rollercoaster. Went to work after the crap at the clinic. I was barely holding it together. Concentrating on work wasn’t happening. So I’m reading blogs and message boards, when I see a post from someone about leftover meds. This wonderful angel, who has a 4 week old daughter, was cleaning out her fridge and found a whole bunch of unexpired meds. She bought them for a cycle, and wound up pregnant on her own! (After many failed cycles!! Okay, she was 40 and I’m 45, but still!) I sent her a message and we started emailing. She is giving me a full cycle’s worth of g0na1-f!!! I wanted to do something for her, but she insists that’s not necessary. (I did buy a little something for her daughter from Etsy that should arrive before I meet her on Monday.) I’ve decided I need to pay it forward. I will be making a donation to help someone else on this journey. I haven’t figured out the details yet, but will soon. I’m going to try to blog about it during IComLeavWe. Maybe I can inspire others to do it as well.

I have very little faith in my ovaries at the moment, but I have enormous faith in this incredible community of women helping each other on this very tough road.