Peeing on sticks in the office ladies room

Good times. Squinting at the damn thing in the lousy lighting.

Well, I’m surging. Going to let it go this month. DD lives about 2 hours away. Today is no good for him and has a meeting until 930pm tomorrow. It would be too complicated, and I’m too stressed already. Besides, the chances of it working are insanely low. On the other hand, I’m just relieved that I’m surging and will ovulate this month. I’ve been afraid that I wouldn’t ovulate and would wind up all cysty again when I get my period. Not that it still couldn’t happen again. After being cancelled 3 times because of cysts, I’ve begun to expect them.

I’m starting to wrap my brain around giving up on my ovaries. I had a phone consult today with an RE at another clinic who I had a consult with when I was trying to choose a clinic. I told him what’s been happening and asked, “Do you think you can get some eggs out of my ovaries?” I can’t fault him for his honesty. His reply: “Probably not.” He said the prognosis is based on all the factors, my age, my FSH levels, and now, my failure to respond to a very high does of stims. He said that I was on a “massive” dose of stims and that I wasn’t a “big woman.” (Gee, that’s the nicest thing a doctor has said to me in a long time. Unless he was referring to me being short.) He thought the slight change in protocol might make a difference next time, but if it didn’t, he didn’t think the microflare protocol would make a difference either.

So, for now I’m trying to find some peace (I’m insanely wound up) and go into this next cycle somewhat detached. If a miracle happens, I’ll be overjoyed, but I can’t be hopeful about my ovaries any more. I’m also starting to do more research on plan B. I’ll write about that soon.

Just grieving.