My first blog post

This will just be a short hello as I set things up.

I've been reading IF blogs for months now and have gotten so much comfort from them. I've been thinking about joining in for a while, but haven't been sure what I could add. My mind is racing non-stop with fear and anxiety, so if nothing else, maybe typing it out will have some calming effect.

My story of how I wound up at 45, TTC as a SMC is as complicated as any. I will probably explain in detail at a later point. At the moment, my biggest problem has been getting out of the gate. I've had 3 cancelled IVF cycles due to cysts. I go to my clinic tomorrow morning after 14 days on birth control pills to see if the latest cyst has resolved. Anyone reading, please think good thoughts that my ovaries will be picture perfect for the vagi cam tomorrow.

I feel very grateful that a good friend has agreed to be my sperm donor. We have an agreement that is somewhat uncommon. We are hoping to create a unique 21st century family. I will be the custodial parent and he will not pay any child support, but we will be a family. He will be "daddy." We hammered out these issues before he agreed, and FWIW, we have a legal agreement. I think of him as "donor daddy" rather than just a sperm donor. We have know each other since our mid-teens and love and trust each other. He is also gay and has been in a LTR for over 14 years. He would not have said yes to me if his partner had not been okay with it. He thought long and hard about his decision, and probably wouldn't have agreed if his mother and sister had serious objections. (Sis is ready to start knitting booties!)

I just wish our odds were better than about 5%.

5% chance of "take home" baby. Not good. But it's all I've got right now.