What to do today

Today is day 3 of stims. Not feeling anything, except anxiety. My mind mainly wanders to the possible (and likely) bad outcomes. Not enough follicles on Tues to continue. Not enough follicles for retrieval. No embies make it to transfer. Transfer okay, but nothing sticks. Positive beta, but ectopic. Positive beta, but miscarriage. I'm particularly obsessing about miscarriages. 50% miscarriage rate at my age is terrifying. Add being single to all these fears and they multiply. I know it's not helpful to imagine being all alone and having a big messy miscarriage, but that's what my brain is doing.

Back to today. First day of a 3 day weekend. I have a ton of cleaning and organizing to do in my apartment. It's a mess and really needs attention. But damn it, I'm cycling and my mind is a bigger mess than the apt. It's also likely that if I stay home with the intention of cleaning I'll probably spend most of the day with my macbook on my lap. I think I need to get out, but I'm really not feeling sociable. I might take a commuter train to a little town on the Hudson river. It's a cute little town with a riverside park and a cute little main street with shops and cafes, all right by the train station. Even the train ride in both directions is picturesque
along the river. The only problem with that plan is $$$. I just can't help feel I should stay home and clean and not spend money. I'm feeling like I've been bleeding money lately. The $476 I had to pay an electrician on Thursday really stung! Oh, fuck it! I'm cycling. I need to be good to myself. It's not like I'll spend a ridiculous amount. I'll mostly window shop. Besides, if I do find something I want to buy, it could very well be on sale. It is that time of year.