Friday, May 15, 2009

I’m not exaggerating. Really!

The Mothers Day Fiasco

Some may think it’s odd that I have kept my mother in the dark about my efforts to become a mom. They ask when I’m going to tell her about my pregnancy. Answer: when I absolutely have to. When I tell people that my mother is extremely self centered, they sometimes think I’m exaggerating. Until I give them some details. Well, this past Mothers Day is a prime example.

I did my duty as a daughter and sent my mother a lovely gift that arrived a few days before the holiday. She really liked it. No surprise. I’m very good at choosing gifts for people. Sunday morning I called her to wish her a happy Mothers Day. All good. No conflict yet. Until Sunday evening, when I received a forwarded email from her.

Here is the content of the email:

Awesome Mom
Once you have been hit, you have to hit 5 awesome Moms..

Including the one who thought of YOU today and sent it to YOU...

If you get hit again, You will know you are Really awesome!

So hit 5 awesome moms on your friends list to let them know they are awesome!

Before I was a Mom,
I never tripped over toys
or forgot words to a lullaby.
I didn't worry whether or not
my plants were poisonous.
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never been puked on.
Pooped on.
Chewed on.
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind
and my thoughts.
I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child
so doctors could do tests.
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.
I never sat up late hours at night
watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,
I never held a sleeping baby just because
I didn't want to put her down.
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces
when I couldn't stop the hurt.!
I never knew that something so small
could affect my life so much.
I never knew that I could love someone so much.
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,
I didn't know the feeling of
having my heart outside my body..
I didn't know how special it could feel
to feed a hungry baby.
I didn't know that bond
between a mother and her child.
I didn't know that something so small
could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,
I had never gotten up in the middle of the night
every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.
I had never known the warmth,
the joy,
the love,
the heartache,
the wonderment
or the satisfaction of being a Mom.
I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much,
before I was a Mom .

Send this to someone who you think is an awesome Mom.


My mother and her husband share an email address. He can be a complete idiot, so thinking that maybe he stupidly forwarded it, I gave her the benefit of the doubt and called her.

Me: Did you just forward a Mothers Day email to me?

Mom: (Sounding immediately defensive) What do you mean? I don’t know what you mean.

Me: An email about Mothers Day. Did you forward it to me?

Mom: I’m not sure. I don’t know.

Me: Well, go take a look at it, because it was completely inappropriate to send to me.

I hang up the phone. She calls back a few minutes later.

Mom: I think I meant to send it to someone else.

Me: Do you see how inappropriate that was to send to me?

Mom: (Huffy) I stand corrected. (Then proceeds to change the subject and asks about the cat.)

I hang up the phone again. I then replied to the email, saying: "I stand corrected." is NOT EVEN REMOTELY AN APOLOGY. I have not heard from her since.

The following is an email exchange with my BFF after I told her what happened and sent her the email so she could read it.

BFF: Your mom is really sick. And it says over and over - "to Moms' she is really sick. Thank god you haven't told her anything. Maybe you can avoid it and see how long you get until she figures it out? When the baby is one or two!

I'm only half kidding on the waiting to tell her!

Me: How about you call her when I go into labor!

BFF: Or we could just mail her the Shower invite to Louise's! (Louise is my BFF’s foster mom, who is wonderful, has a fabulous home for parties, and has known me since I was a teenager.)

Me: Ugh! Does she have to come? Maybe we could mail it late so it arrives the day after the shower.

BFF: That would be a pretty funny way to tell her about it! Think on it....



AnotherDreamer said...

Totally inappropriate email. Geesh.

Sorry you had to deal with that.

I can relate to you about your mom though, I try to get along with my mom, but it's so hard. Not only is there her mental illness to contend with, there's also her supreme selfishness. Bah.

Michelle said...

I am sorry you had to deal with that. It sounds like she just wanted to show you all she had to go through. Mothers can be such a pain. Lately my mother has been the same.

Edenland said...

Oh Dora I can so relate to that! My mother forwards me ridiculous emails, I can't stand them.

I am SO glad that you spoke up for yourself! Maybe you can tell her about the baby .... at college graduation? HA.

Glad you are going well.

AK said...

Sorry she has the sensitivity of a gnat.

I can't wait to hear what she says about the pregnancy when you decide to tell her. Could you record it and put it on youtube?

battynurse said...

I've never been able to figure out why the family were given at birth is so often completely not what we need and our chosen families can be so much better. Sorry about the e-mail.

Kristin said...

Hey Dora...I think you and one of my BFFs share a mom. I am sorry you had to deal with that. I totally agree you should send the shower invitation late.

Billy said...

Completely ouch.
So sorry.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, I don't see what the big deal is. It's quite possible your mother sent that in error. Why do you expect her to grovel about an apology? It's an e-mail and it's also a form letter e-mail. I delete those all the time.


AK said...

It was a VENT Rae. Perhaps you could find a sense of humor somewhere?

Dora said...

Wow! My first troll. I guess I've arrived.

Rae, no, I did not expect her to grovel. A simple "I'm sorry" would have sufficed. If someone says to you that you did sometimg that hurt them, whether inadvertant or not, don't you apologize? BTW, you might take a look at the recent posts in the ALI community to see how touchy we can be about Mothers Day.

Dora said...

BTW, it was forwarded ONLY to me and my sister (who has a child), so really not likely it was a mistake. It was a dig.

Anonymous said...

Sorry about that Dora! And especially the reaction - my mom is clueless (and also in the dark about my TTC) but if she had done anything to hurt me she would be sooo apologetic I'd want her to shut up!

I should hire you to help me with gifts - I am terrible at it and my mom is the WORST! And she is an excellent gift-giver so it makes me feel awful when she never likes what I send.

The Steadfast Warrior said...

I'm sorry you guys had that exchange. It definitely hurts when those in our lives don't get it.

I lol'd at the late shower invite. That's a good one. :)-

Mo said...

ugh ugh ugh. way to screw it up mom. a little passive aggressive, no? sorry you had to deal with that.

I can see why you're not exactly eager to spring the news!


Navigating The Rapids said...

Sounds like something my mother would do if she could master emailing.

Beautiful Mess said...

Agrred, that email is/was inappropriate. As was her "apology". Your BFF totally rocks though! How great is it to have friends like that in your life?!

Anonymous said...

I am not really a blogger. I am a fellow infertile who has checked out Mel’s site a few times for advice, but that is pretty much my experience in this world. I also lurked on your blog for a short while many months ago. Last week I spontaneously looked over Mel’s site a little more closely and found this whole controversy surrounding Angrycanrn and everyone else. I then jumped over to Vee’s site and read the post about it all. Imagine how appalled I was at this first major experience with all of you.

I know the wonderful story of you and Angrycanrn well because I have been fortunate enough to be “AC’s” IRL friend for many years. We have seen each other thru a lot of very bad times. She is truly the most kind and generous person I know, despite going thru a lot of (excuse my French) fucked-up stuff. Watching so many people write so harshly to her and about her was heart wrenching for me, as I am sure it has been for you. She has given SO MUCH of herself to this community: her support, her time, her story, even her money---and that is not even mentioning what she has given to you. It is tragic that she has been driven out of this community by this chain of events. Yes, I know she said some harsh things too, but what do you expect when you all blasted her so hard—and most of you with a pretty limited knowledge of the major events?!!

So after I read all that I mentioned above, I jumped over to your blog to read your take on the whole thing. And I see nothing. Nothing. You have a unique perspective on all of this and yet you remain silent. I find that no less than astounding and really quite insulting. You utter not a word publicly to defend someone who gave you one of the greatest gifts in the world? That little life growing inside you. A gift utterly and completely without strings. One where she sacrificed her own dream of a final FET so that you would have the BEST chance at conceiving. You more than anyone know her generosity and her soul and you are going to sit idly by while she is hung out to dry??? While she thinks her only recourse is to give up the community she is such a big part of???? You don't get to sit this one out because you are pregnant and you don't want to upset the baby---it is because of her that you are pregnant at all. Grow a set and defend your friend. Shame on you! Are you really going to know her the way you do and keep silent?

Thank you for the opportunity to put in my two cents. I hope you will share this comment with your community and maybe also something from your heart.


Friend of Angrycanrn
Ps. If anyone has comments, I can be reached at friendoftheangry at yaho.o.

Martha@A Sense of Humor is Essential said...

Here from LFCA, are you sure we don't share Mothers??
Sorry for the hurtfulness, just wanted to give you my support.

Ang said...

Dear Anonymous and to a statement to everyone else.

I by not any means know all the details of the situation you are referencing to with your friend and the community. However, I do have some info and know of the details of how Dora got pregnant. Not to matter… first and fore most that life in Dora is not your property nor excuse to vent and use the life inside of Dora for your own personal gain of venting and I don’t give a damn what your excuse is. That life inside of Dora should have never even been brought into your argument because that life is Dora’s baby and using that life insider of her, Dora’s baby is just a low blow and I am sorry but your post is inexcusable.
Dora is a wonderful and supportive friend and anyone would be lucky and blessed to have her as a friend. I am personally a friend of hers but also she is family and the Godmother of my little baby girl.
I understand you are angry and I do know some of the story and I am an outsider looking in. I am not saying you cannot be angry but bringing in Dora’s pregnancy is crossing over the line.
In my book, you can be mad at me, but do not bring in my children/family in on it, or in Dora’s case her unborn baby. That is a separate life and has nothing to do with your anger. How selfish of you and how malicious!
Sorry Dora you might not post this but I am furious with this insensitive person and think they owe you a huge apology. Also I think you are a coward to post anonymous... and your email is a joke. So I did not personally respond to you. I choose to do so here because I would never want anyone to read your post and think thath Dora is even close to the way you described her.
I love you Dora and so does the Bear and the rest of us 