Pay it Forward Fridays — One day late again

I has been a week!!!

I have received so much! I don’t know how I can ever pay it forward enough.

The only way I can think to even begin to pay forward the incredible gift I’ll be receiving is to be the best mom I can be. I will do my very best to raise my child to be a good person. IMO, that’s the most important thing, the rest is gravy. Of course, I will also try to be a great “aunt” to my donor’s children. My child’s genetic siblings. I’ll try not to spoil them too much! ;-) And, not to toot my own horn, but one thing I can confidently say about myself is that I am a very loyal friend. I’m thrilled about the new deep friendship I’m forming with my donor.

Oh, and I also made a small donation to Cara’s (Building Heavenly Bridges) project. That’s actually a little selfish, I’m superstitiously donating in hopes that I will never need the services she is looking to provide for parents who lose a child. Bless her for doing this. Truly magnificent way to honor her Emma’s memory.

I can’t resist saying it again … YES WE CAN!

Let's hear it for the girls!

Day 2 u/s and b/w today. My ovaries are cyst free for the first time since June (other than the cycle preceded by 2 weeks of bcps)!! Woo hoo!! I get to shoot up tonight!

This cycle is about closure me. The chances of it working are soooooooo low, but I want to give my poor old ovaries a chance at one full cycle. I also want to give Donor Daddy a fair shot at this. But going in to the clinic this morning felt so different than past day 2 visits. (Even before I got the good news that my ovaries looked pretty.) I'm not ambivalent about this cycle, but I'm relaxed. (OMG, sorry for using the "R" word!) I honestly don't think my relaxed state will have any effect on the outcome. Either my ovaries are going to give up a good egg this cycle or they won't. Just the reality of 45 year old oocytes.

This is all getting me closer to my goal. I feel it coming.

Hope is the thing with feathers

That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all

- Emily Dickinson

As promised, my good news. Someone has agreed to give me her embryos. For the first time since beginning all this I have real hope. I’d forgotten how good hope feels.

My baby is coming!!!!

This situation feels so completely different than it did with the other woman I was talking with. While I’ve been hoping for a situation that just felt right, it’s been hard to have faith that it would happen. It’s happening! It’s really happening! My embryo donor wants to help me become a mom. We have clicked on so many levels, I truly believe that no matter the outcome, we are building a lifelong friendship. I feel so honored by her generosity.

I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

We have shed tears for each other. Soon, I hope we will be shedding tears of joy together.

Red

I have flow. It's red. Oh, well.

To the clinic tomorrow for day 2 b/w and u/s.

Maybe I'll pick up some sushi for dinner.

I’m a WINNER!

I never win anything. The last contest I can remember winning was at a birthday party when I was around 8 or 9. We had to guess how many M&Ms were in a jar. I came closest, and won the jar of M&Ms. This time I won a yummy jar of homemade salsa from Lori and Chicklet’s All Thumbs review site. It arrived yesterday. I didn’t have any chips, but I tasted it anyway. YUM!!

So peeps, to lighten up from the current drama, what your favorite salsa dipping chip? Low brow or high brow. I may hit Wh0le F00ds later, so the choices are numerous.

Mmmmm, I’m envisioning getting my jar of salsa, a bag of chips, and settling in to watch What Not To Wear tonight. My exciting life.

Have you been tossing and turning all night waiting for an update?

Oh, I guess that’s just Cara. ;-) I didn’t sleep well either, but for good reasons that I will write about separately. Those developments deserve their own post.

So, the news on Dora’s Egg Watch ’08 is that there’s really no news. I had a little spotting a few times yesterday, but often there was nothing (‘cept pee). No flow at all. The spotting is brownish, definitely not red. When I went to pee at 1am last night and had no spotting at all, I decided not to go into the clinic this morning. Yesterday was not day 1. Today, no spotting. A little cramping, but I’ve been eating crap, I could be a little backed up. I still really, really doubt that I’m … you know. Even if by some miracle I am, the miscarriage rate for 45 year old eggs is 50%. But as Donor Daddy said to me the other day, if the black man can win in a landslide, the 45 year old can get knocked up. Theoretically. Boy what a week it would be, Obama elected and single chick gets pregnant from a DIY insem with her gay friend’s spunk. What’s the world coming to? :-)

If there’s no flow by the end of my work day, maybe I’ll pick up a different brand of pee stick. What’s your favorite?

Pay it Forward Challenge

I wrote last week about buying a brownie for a coworker who was laid off. She stopped by my office on Monday to thank me again. She was so touched that I thought of her. Really, it was so easy.

My challenge to you is to do something unexpected for someone and write about it. Either here or on your own blog.

A friend told me that yesterday she was feeling so good about Obama’s victory that when she was getting coffee from a drive-thru she told them she wanted to pay for a coffee for the person in the car behind her. I believe she brightened 2 people’s day, the person she bought the coffee for and the barista.

This isn’t a contest. It’s not at all about how much you spend. It’s about spreading good will simply because you can.

Sorry to seem repetitive, but YES WE CAN!

My body is messing with my head.

Well, I didn't quite bleed on the pee stick, but saw a bit of spotting when I wiped after POAS. Definitely negative test. Now, 4 1/2 hours later, I just went to the bathroom, and no spotting at all. WTF?!?!

Have I mentioned that I HATE THIS PART SO MUCH!!!

Thank you all so much for the kind and loving comments to my last post. Smooches to you all!

I pour out my heart to you. Please be gentle.

I have been contacted by a couple of people who might be willing to donate frozen embryos to me. It means so much to me that other women have read my ramblings and feel that they may be willing to help me become a mom. It gives me such hope. All the support and love I receive here gives me hope. Even though I’m working towards becoming a single mom, I’m not doing it on my own. I have peeps. And, YES. WE. CAN!

I figured there may be others out there with embryos to donate, so it couldn’t hurt to answer some questions I’ve been asked here and to do some more rambling about my plans, hopes and dreams. First of all, to the anonymous commenter with the embie, please email me. (dorasblog@gmail.com)

It may be confusing that I’m looking into embryo donation while still trying with my eggs. Honestly, I have pretty much given up hope with my eggs. I am very serious about attempting to get pregnant through embryo donation very soon, but I know that it could take time to find the right situation and to set things up. In the meantime, I have enough meds for one full IVF cycle at max “old lady dose.” I have enough insurance coverage for the monitoring and procedures, but then I will be done with my eggs as far as putting my limited resources towards them. I have a lifetime cap for IF coverage, and another round of meds would exhaust my coverage completely. Several REs have recommended that I not use my resources towards trying with my old eggs and low reserve. If a wonderful woman hadn’t donated her leftover g0nal-f to me, I doubt I would be giving it this last try. Stopping after this cycle will still leave me insurance coverage for FETs, which will make the next step somewhat less stressful.

My plan with my RE for this next cycle is to continue stimming regardless of my response (or lack of one). If I’m lucky enough to have at least 3 good sized follicles, I’ll have a retrieval. If I don’t get at least 3 (I’m sure I’ll get at least one, since I’m still ovulating every month), I’ll have an IUI. This is, of course, assuming that the home insem I did 12 days ago didn’t work. Regarding the home insems, I figure if I had a partner, regardless of the low odds, we’d still try timed baby dancing if I wasn’t cycling, so what the hell.

I feel like actively looking into embryo donation is going to help me manage my emotions during this last ditch effort, and the last ditch effort helps me feel like I’m still actively doing something to try to get pregnant while trying to set up an embryo donation situation. Some people feel they need to close one door before opening another. I have a multitasking brain. I prefer to think ahead. My BFF’s brain doesn’t work that way. When she was pregnant, she would read the chapter on month 6 when she reached month 6, month 7 when she reached month 7, etc. We understand that we’re just different that way, and after some chafing, have learned to be supportive of each other’s styles.

Anyway, back to my message to possible embie donors. One woman who contacted me asked about my support system as a future single mom. I think I have a great support system. My immediate family lives about an hours drive from me. I’m sure I will get a lot of support from them, but truthfully, the distance is a good thing. My sister is a single mom. (My niece is 10.) She separated from her ex-husband when my niece was about a year old. (Ex started cheating on her when she was pg. Nice.) My sister moved down the block from my mother to have the extra help. My sister gets plenty of help, but the price is my mother completely in her business. They drive each other crazy! They both come to me with complaints about the other. (They hate it when I tell them they’re both wrong. Hee hee.) If I were to move closer to my mother and sister, I’d wind up blogging from the funny farm. I will be very grateful for their help, but will also be happy to send them home.

My friends, on the other hand, are my family of choice. I have many friends who I’ve known for decades. They’ve been very supportive of my choice to become a single mom. My BFF is truly my sister from another mother. We met when we were 14 years old. On the very first day of high school, in homeroom. Two kinda nerdy girls looking for a friendly face. After she had her little boy (her donor egg miracle was born 4 weeks ago), I was with her in the NICU as she breastfed him, and a nurse came over and asked who I was. Without hesitation, she hissed, “She’s my sister!” When I saw her gorgeous boy for the first time, she cooed to him, “H, this is so exciting! This is the first time you’re seeing your Aunt Dora!” We are family. As is my known donor, who, regardless of how my child is conceived, will be a terrific male role model for my child. This child will have so many honorary aunts and uncles. I am also starting to get my feet wet with the local single mothers by choice community. They are awesome resources, and I anticipate some deep friendships will develop.

As to what kind of relationship I’m looking for with a donor, it’s all about the needs of the child. The least I’m looking for is someone who is willing to be contacted by the child when he or she turns 18. Beyond that, whatever feels comfortable for all involved. Maybe emails and photos, maybe getting together now and then. It might be nice for our children to know each other while growing up, if that feels right. I’m very flexible about this. What I want most is a situation that everyone is comfortable and happy with, with the well being of our children as top priority.

More about me.

As I mentioned in a previous post, children are drawn to me. They seem to sense very quickly that I am adult who won’t talk down to them, but will also roll around on the floor and be silly with them.

I’ve always wanted to be a mom. I assumed I would have my first child by age 30. Thank goodness I didn’t have a child with the man I was with in my 20s! No need for a rundown of my long and short term relationships, but suffice it to say that my fertility slipped away while I tried to create my ideal family. I’m done waiting. My child will have everything he or she needs. My child will be so loved and wanted. There will be “aunts” and “uncles” lining up to help and to shower this child with love. Not to mention the internet aunties sharing this journey with me.

I have a job with a big corporation that can absolutely be done from home. It will take some negotiating, but I believe I can convince the powers that be that this will benefit everyone. I live in a culturally diverse neighborhood that is filled with children and babies, and has a well rated school system.

Single parenthood will be a challenge, but as I said to someone recently, not as hard as not having the child I desperately want.

BTW, other than aches and pains that are basically stress related, I’m very healthy. I’ve had extra testing done to check for clotting and immune issues, and they came back fine. My doctors have assured me that I should have no problem carrying a pregnancy to term. No problems with regard to chasing around a toddler. The hot flashes may be kicking in around that time, but whatever. I’ll open the window.

So there you have it. I would be happy to answer more questions, either here or by email.

Wanna help me get knocked up?

I will sleep well tonight

Listening to the concession speech! So relieved.

Congratulations President Elect Obama!

Pregnant or PMS?

Well, it's one or the other. My boobs hurt and I'm soooo hungry. Especially for naughty things. (I picked up a KFC chicken pot pie for dinner.) Odds are about 98-99% for PMS. Still. I surged a week ago last Friday. If I don't see red by Thursday I might just POAS. Probably a waste of a pee stick. Isn't my optimism inspiring? Maybe I need to relax. Bwahahahahaha!!

Clicking through my blogroll while waiting to vote

I voted. I had about an hour long wait, not too bad. It was made easier by hooking into a wifi network with my new itouch (a gift from my BFF, who owed me a holiday gift from last year and a birthday gift from June). So I read my peeps while waiting.

Now the real waiting begins.

Can we please have a winner by bedtime?

Pay it Forward Fridays — one day late

I am so thrilled that the U.T.E.R.U.S. Brigade fundraiser has reached our goal! I am so happy to be a part of helping Vee and Mary. Big shout out to the bloggers who set up the auctions and Etsy shop and did all the behind the scenes stuff. Who shot my stork?, Creating Motherhood, Here We Go Again, Everyday Stranger, and of course, The Stirrup Queen, herself. You rock! I'm looking forward to reading about Vee and Max's trip. Boy, do they need it!

I did try to brighten someone's day today. I found out that a coworker is being let go. Damn recession! She's been there 8 1/2 years and her job is being eliminated. She really works hard and has been a loyal employee. Her job duties will be split among a few people and I'm sure will not be done to her high standards. What a crappy time of year to be laid off. Not much I could do, but on my lunch break I stopped by the Tre@ts Truck and got her a yummy homemade brownie. I told her it was medicinal chocolate. Not much, but it did give her a lift that I thought of her. The additional benefit is that I always feel good patronizing this wonderful small business. (And, yes, I got something for myself, too.)

BTW, thank you for all the warm responses to my last post. It helped.

It was just a little thing, but it tore me apart

I love babies and children. I’ve never understood people who say they never particularly liked kids, but felt differently about their own. I’m also one of those people who starts conversations with strangers on the subway, on line at the grocery, etc. So, of course I chat up children, or with babies I make faces and wave. I’m kind of a toddler whisperer in these situations. I’ve gotten howling toddlers to stop crying by distracting them, with much gratitude from the parents. There have actually been a couple of occasions when the little one has tried to climb onto my lap on the subway. I’m not one of those infertiles who can’t emotionally handle being around them.

So what happened this morning caught me off guard. I was walking to the subway and saw a mother with two girls walking towards me. I’d guess the girls to be about 5 and 7. The older one had some clown makeup on. The little one was skipping along between them with the most joyful grin on her face. As I was about to pass them I said, “What a happy girl!” I didn’t think her grin could get bigger, but it did. Mom and sister gave me big smiles, too. We continued on our respective ways, but I lost it. I started crying. All day today, when I think of it, I get teary.

Where’s my joy?

Meeting Matt & Madeline (with photos!!)

Here's my report on the bloggy meet-up with Matt and Madeline. It was such a pleasure to meet these two. Matt is doing such a wonderful job with his girl, under excruciating circumstances. BTW, Matt apologized for making you cry. Matt, you should know, my readers tend to be a hormonal bunch. We cry easily.

OMG, look at that juicy girl! She is such a good baby. This was a noisy restaurant/bar and the crowd and noise didn't phase her at all. The only time she really cried was when she was impatient for daddy to change her wet diaper. Which he did deftly, right on the banquette.

Matt and Maddy chatting. Matt says he expects Maddy will be a talker like her mom.

Look at the baaaaybeeeeee!!!

Maddy needed a good stretch after all her travels. And a smooch from daddy is always good.

ME and Maddy!!! I got to feed Madeline.

I can only imagine how hard this has been for Matt. It's one thing to choose to be a single parent, but to be caring for a baby while grieving for her mother is almost too much to bear. Every milestone must bring a fresh wave of grief that Liz isn't there to see it.

Matt, I know you've heard it before, but Liz would be so proud of you. The internets are proud of you! Thanks for sharing your daughter with us.

Sad update

Sorry to keep you all waiting for an update. The last few days have been emotionally difficult and I just wasn’t able to write it all out.

Well, she returned my call Friday evening. She left me a voice mail, as I was in a noisy bar/restaurant hanging out with the cutest 7 month old and didn’t hear my phone (I’ll post about that later, with pics!). She apologized for taking so long to respond to the email from over a week earlier and said that she is talking to other women as well, and is not ready to move forward with donating her embryos right now. I had been getting that feeling. Really feeling down about this. I don’t know how open couples will be about donating to a single woman. (Although, really, donating to a couple does not guarantee the child will be raised in an intact 2 parent home. I can guarantee my child will not have to deal with any sort of custody battle.) I guess I was just hoping that the way we connected was just so fateful, and that my search for an open embryo donation situation would be short.

Nothing about this crap is easy.

Meanwhile, I surged on Friday (day 30!), so went to my friend’s to try our first home insem. Interesting experience! The chances of it working are so slim that I’m not even allowing myself a little hope. I just figured that if we were a couple and not cycling this month, we’d try some baby dancing at the right time, so why not.

Questions for those of you who considered donating your extra frozen embryos (whether you actually had extra or not): Would you have considered donating to a single woman? Why, or why not? What kind of information would you want from her?

Pay it Forward Fridays — More U.T.E.R.U.S.

TGIF!!!

Today for PIF I am donating more things to the U.T.E.R.U.S. Brigade eBay auctions. I also sent some info and photos for a cool donation to the U.T.E.R.U.S. Etsy shop.

And ... if you're a member of the U.T.E.R.U.S. google group, you know I have a bigger project cooking. Started with a thought that popped into my head on the way to work this morning. Stay tuned!

A bloggy meet-up!

I’m so excited! I’m going to meet Matt and Madeline today!! You don’t know Matt and Maddy? Click here to read their story. Make sure the tissues are handy. Trust me, there will be tears.

They are visiting New York this weekend and a friend has organized a casual stranger friend meet-up today. Can’t wait!

Update — I don't know what to think

The consensus from my comments were to call. (8 to 3 for calling over email in the comments, and 5 to 4 in the poll.) The only reason I could really see for emailing over calling is being chicken. IMO, not a good trait for a single mom. So I bit the bullet and called.






















I got her voice mail. I left a nice breezy message about how nice it was to meet her and her family, yada yada, did she get the email I sent last week? I've been having some email problems, maybe it went in her spam folder, yada yada. Would love to talk more, move forward, etc.





















I've heard nothing.

She has always responded promptly before last week. I just don't know what to think.

Help, my patience is missing! (POLL ADDED)

I'm losing it. I sent the email to the woman with the embies last Thursday. I haven't heard anything. Is she trying to give me an extra 2 week wait? I've decided that if I don't hear by tomorrow, which will be a full week, I will try contacting her again.

But how? Email? Phone call? What do I say? "Did you get the email I sent last week?"

Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Meanwhile, today is day 28 and still no surge. I'm so sick of holding my pee for the OPK, then seeing that empty window. I have a feeling this is going to be like my June/July cycle, 6 weeks! Honestly, I was so damn regular until June. WTF!