Friday, October 31, 2008

It was just a little thing, but it tore me apart

I love babies and children. I’ve never understood people who say they never particularly liked kids, but felt differently about their own. I’m also one of those people who starts conversations with strangers on the subway, on line at the grocery, etc. So, of course I chat up children, or with babies I make faces and wave. I’m kind of a toddler whisperer in these situations. I’ve gotten howling toddlers to stop crying by distracting them, with much gratitude from the parents. There have actually been a couple of occasions when the little one has tried to climb onto my lap on the subway. I’m not one of those infertiles who can’t emotionally handle being around them.

So what happened this morning caught me off guard. I was walking to the subway and saw a mother with two girls walking towards me. I’d guess the girls to be about 5 and 7. The older one had some clown makeup on. The little one was skipping along between them with the most joyful grin on her face. As I was about to pass them I said, “What a happy girl!” I didn’t think her grin could get bigger, but it did. Mom and sister gave me big smiles, too. We continued on our respective ways, but I lost it. I started crying. All day today, when I think of it, I get teary.

Where’s my joy?

5 comments:

battynurse said...

I tend to be much as you described yourself. I am not usually bothered by kids or toddlers, will often talk to them, wave at them or whatever. It doesn't usually bother me to be around children. That said, once in a while something will set me off and I'll get all teary and such. Sometimes it's being around an overwhelming number of kids (Disneyland) and sometimes it's just when I happen to be in a particularly bad place in my journey like right after my failed IVF. Hugs to you.

calliope said...

(((hugs)))
I so get this. I couldn't even get to an emotional place where I could deal with the trick or treaters last night and had to keep sending Mother to the door. The emotional shit that infertility brings us is so damn annoying and hard.

Billy said...

~hugs~

angrycanrn said...

I'm sorry.

We all have different emotions and triggers with IF. Even though I have been lucky enough to have twins via DE IVF, I am still envious of pregnant bellies.

Strange, I guess.....

p.s. I sent you an email.....

Meg said...

Oh Hon, it's just so hard sometimes. The only thing we can do is keep trying and trust that we will get our joy.

I hope today was better :)