Embracing Single Motherhood

This post was sparked by something a friend wrote in an email to me. So I thought I would just start typing and see what comes out.

I can’t say I haven’t had moments (some of them extended) of grief and sadness that I’m doing this on my own. I’m sure there will be more. But today I feel really good about it. Powerful, even.

It’s great to hear about the terrific hubbies and partners of my bloggy friends, but I must admit, that’s not so representative of the couples I know in real life. Yes, I do know some great couples, but I know even more unhappily married ones and divorced ones. Bad relationships make raising a child so much harder.

Just a couple of examples: I have one friend who tells me stories of fights with her husband that leave my jaw hanging open. The things he says! She then “forgets” these things and when I remind her of them, she usually responds, “Oh, yeah. That was bad.” They have a 7 year old with ADHD and other issues. This is not just an active child getting meds thrown at her. Without meds, this child is visibly uncomfortable in her skin. It was a major battle to get him to agree to get her properly tested. He was afraid of the stigma. I thought my head would explode over this. I wanted to shake him and scream, “LOOK AT HER! She’s a sweet, smart child, but she needs help!” They have excellent insurance coverage, yet recently her husband wanted to cut back on some of the therapy she’s getting, EVEN THOUGH IT’S COVERED, because it’s out of network, and they would have to pay up front and wait for reimbursement! WTF!!! Her response—“G has a lot of anxiety about money.” Sorry, not good enough when you’re talking about your child’s wellbeing.

Another example: My cousin has a 12 year old boy. She and her ex divorced several years ago. Ex had an affair (which my cousin didn’t know about until after the divorce was final), requested a divorce, but refused to move out until the divorce was finalized (said it was his attorney’s instructions, and oh, yeah, he continued the affair the whole time). Made both my cousin and her son miserable and continues to. My cousin acted as admirably as possible during the process, never badmouthing her child’s father to him, even gave up more than she should have financially just to have it over with. Idiot father continues to badmouth my cousin to the child and blame her for EVERYTHING! Recent craziness—boy was with his father a few months ago when we had the first snowfall of the season. He told the child (who told his mother) that he was going to call the “Feds” on her for not getting him snow boots. Why didn’t he have snow boots? Because 12 year old boys’ feet grow like weeds. She was waiting as long as she could so he wouldn't outgrow them too soon. Why didn’t his father buy him the boots? “I pay your mother child support so she can buy you everything!”

These are just two examples.

I will NEVER put my child through those kinds of things. Yes, I won’t have a spouse to help with an infant in the middle of the night, but many spouses don’t help that much anyway. (My most recent ex would have been NO help with an infant or toddler due to his disability.) I won’t feel pulled between giving my full attention to an infant and making sure a spouse isn’t feeling neglected. BIG BONUS OF SINGLE MOTHERHOOD—NO IN-LAWS! Have you read about Jen’s in-law nightmares? I never really felt this way before my last relationship, but my ex’s family, OH MY! His mother loved me, but she’s in her mid-80s, not so sharp anymore, and has no power in the family. His sister has treated me so badly and disrespectfully, when she really ought get down on her knees to thank me for saving her brother’s life. (Not exaggerating, long story.)

I get to make the decisions. All of them. My current pick for a girl’s name is one that my ex vetoed. Nyah, nyah! The name honors my father, who died when I was 17. It’ll be perfect for a feisty redhead. A boy will get my father’s name as a middle name. I’m a little stuck on a boy’s first name, but I have time.

I’m doing this alone, but really I’m not. I’m gathering a community. I’ve already talked to a few friends and family members about help in the beginning. I’m chatting up moms at my local Starbucks. Last weekend I met a cool SMC and her terrific 2 year old daughter there. They live just a couple of blocks away from me. (Hi!)

When I think about how Angrycanrn and I connected, and how WE are making this happen, I’m happily astonished. When I first started considering donor embryos I had an idea of the kind of open relationship I’d like between the families. We are exceeding my expectations. Even though she is not single by choice, she understands what it takes and has faith in me. I look at how she has handled the cards she’s been dealt, and I find incredible strength.

One day I’ll be ready for a romantic relationship again, but I won’t be looking for a father for my child. My child and I will be a complete family. Anyone else is gravy. Gravy is good, but we can do without it.