Wednesday, January 7, 2009

High Anxiety!



This post has been cooking in my head for a while. Guess I should just let it out.

As I get closer to my donor FET my anxiety level is rising. Cycling with my own poor old ovaries, I had a less than 50% chance of success. With these donor embryos, my chances go up to the mid double digits. Seems impossible to quantify my chances before seeing how they survive thawing. So many “what ifs” going through my head.

Hope is wonderful. Hope is scary. The fear of all that could go wrong. Wondering if there will be a baby at the end of this crazy roller coaster ride. Incredulous that this process could really result in a screaming, pooping, boob sucking infant. Afraid that it won’t and I’ll have to get more cats. My uterus is untested. No reason to think it can’t support a pregnancy, but I’ve never been pregnant, so I really don’t know.

All of this is out of my control. I’ve done the best I can by finding a clinic whose lab has an excellent reputation. I have so many wonderful people hoping for my success. That’s an incredible blessing. But I can’t help feeling like my uterus is a craps table and we’re getting ready to roll the dice. Luck be a lady, and send me 2 lines!

15 comments:

Miss Conception said...

You have just put into words everything that I have been feeling. Only, I've had two miscarriages and can't help but think that my uterus is an unsafe environment. Ugh...it's so hard to have hope, isn't it??

Cassandra said...

If there's a better cure for anxiety than Brando singing, I don't know what it would be.

Other than that, if there's anything that helps with your stress level such as massage, I hope you'll be able to partake soon before the transfer. Anxiety is pretty inevitable for many of us, but we can certainly try to beat it off with a stick (with a zen look on our faces all the while).

battynurse said...

This whole process is very anxiety producing. I hope that the donor embryos is what you need to find your path to motherhood. Hugs to you.

Nikki said...

It's very hard to strike that balance between hope and expectation. Hard as it is, try and be calm in the knowledge that you've done what you could, and are doing what you can. I am hoping that the embryos and this clinic are your answer!

Good luck with everything!

Billy said...

~hugs~

Kristin said...

{{{Hugs}}} Dora...its almost like you are afraid to hope and afraid NOT to hope at the same time. Hoping and praying you find success.

calliope said...

hope and fear will be tango dancers in your mind for a while now. Just keep reminding yourself that you have buckets of love from your internet peeps and when you are having a day of doubt we got you covered.

and seriously- acupressure is SO good for helping. Before my FET I had 2 sessions and they really helped clear the clutter in my head. He also put these mustard seeds in my ears that I could mash on for pressure points when I needed calm. SO worked.

getting VERY excited for you!

calliope said...

I mean acupuncture...der

I Believe in Miracles said...

I only had a 40% chance this cycle... so you never know with the odds. I'm praying your uterus is going to be a nice happy place for those embies for the next 9 months!
~~HUGS~~

Shinejil said...

Hey, you've done your darnedest, which is all anyone can do.

I'm knocking wood products and crossing all digits in hopes that those little donor embies snuggle in soon for a long stay.

Shinejil said...

Oh, and Calliope is right: acupuncture is great for helping take the edge of the anxiety (esp when booze is verboten).

Dora said...

Thanks, everyone.

Mmmm, Brando was just scrumptious at that moment in time. Am I crazy to think that Johnny Depp would be a great Sky Masterson?

Massages! Yes! I have 3 1/2 hour massages scheduled over the next three weeks. I get them at the chiro and they are covered under my insurance. (Hi Jenny!)

Unfortunately, my acupuncturist broke her ankle last month and can't work right now. She should be back to work a little before my transfer, so I'll go then and after. (She can check for a pg pulse during the 2WW.) But it's just too much trouble to find someone else and deal with the out of network insurance issues.

Thanks again, peeps!

Michelle said...

I don't blame you for having high anxiety but I am so excited for you! Sending nothing but good thoughts your way.

Phoebe said...

I've had that crazy irrational fear that I will be one of those old ladies with 20 cats. I too am getting nervous about my FET.

Heather said...

Dora, I know *exactly* how you're feeling. My insemination day is this Monday, a mere three days away. You managed to put into words all of the crazy thoughts flying around my head...so thank you for articulating it all! From one SMC-to-be to another, my thoughts, hopes and prayers are with you! :)

~Heather