Peaceful Places

Angrycanrn is having a contest asking bloggers to describe their “peaceful” place.

I’ve got lots! Rather than one place, when my last nerve is frayed, I try to get away. A weekend away somewhere soothes and refreshes. I’ve become skilled at bidding low (and winning) for hotels on Price1ine. Washington, DC is any easy getaway from NYC. You may remember this post about the newish bus service that provides WiFi and electrical outlets! In the last couple of years I’ve taken a few weekend trips to New Orleans. (BTW, December is a VERY cheap time to go there.) Before getting ready to cycle this past June, I took a real vacation in May to Europe. 10 days on my own. Just wandering, traveling by train to different towns, people watching with a cup of coffee in a café. Best thing I could do for my head.

Getting away from the clutter (literal and figurative) in my life for a bit gives me a peacefulness that’s hard to come by ordinarily. I’m sure this will change drastically with a baby. (Although, I plan to ask Matt Logelin for single parent traveling tips. He’s so good at it! Although, Madeline is an exceptionally easy baby.) I expect peaceful moments with a little one will be different. Deep sleeping baby sighs while sleeping across my chest. I’m looking forward to friends and family enjoying a baby with me, but I’m really looking forward to the intense, one on one, baby-mom lovefest.

Anyway, here are some peaceful moments from my travels.

One of my favorite places in DC. Dumbarton Oaks in Georgetown. I once actually dozed off while lounging on a stone wall under some wisteria vines.




Café du Monde. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm!


Stormy night in Jackson Square. The sky was amazing!


Little treasure on quiet French Quarter street.


Wandering through the beautiful streets of the Garden District.


Serene street in Haarlem, NL.


This one in Amsterdam.


Amsterdam at dusk. A fairy tale city.


More!

Naturally Timed FET vs Suppression?

I could use some of the vast knowledge our community has accumulated. I'm debating the pros and cons of a naturally timed FET vs suppression. My local RE says that without suppression, about 15% of women will ovulate. Considering my age and that my cycles are no longer as regular as they used to be, and that I will be traveling for my transfer (plus they will be culturing the embies after thawing, so we may not be sure of the transfer date until the last minute), suppression seems to make sense. I would like to hear about other's experiences with FET protocols.

Other miscellaneous FET questions:

Are hot baths okay up until transfer?

How soon after transfer would you fly? One of the top clinics here in NYC, which has a lot of out of town patients, tells their patients they can fly the next day. My flight will be short (about 2 hours), but it makes me nervous. I’m planning on taking just a carryon with wheels, but I will be on my own, so still some shlepping involved. Since I may not have a firm transfer date (depends on how long they decide to culture the embies once they see how they thaw), I’m trying to decide whether to add an extra day to the trip, so that if I do wind up with a day 5 transfer, I could fly home 2 days after transfer instead of the day after.

Thanks, all!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Hormones for Christmas

I was a hormone matchmaker again this week. I saw a post on an IF message board from someone who had extra IVF meds. I quickly sent her a message and connected her with a friend who needs them for her next cycle. Good karma all around.

Just to remind you all that just a $5.00 donation to help Cara at Building Heavenly Bridges start up her support group for parents dealing with miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss with enter you in a drawing for a beautiful custom made hat from The June Bride. Read this post for details.

Persona Non Grata … this year

Hope everyone had a good holiday. There’s a lot going on in the ALI blogosphere. Some terrible losses and some positive betas. The rest of us muddling through.

I was reading someone’s post about feeling like a second class citizen at holiday gatherings since she and her husband had no children. I’ve read posts like that before. I’ve seen message board threads about this. Common enough. Single and childless = third class. Extra fun!

I started thinking about next year. If this FET works in January, I will get lots of attention around the holidays. Everyone wants to see a new baybeeeeee! I think I will resent it more than I resent the treatment I get now. The one upside I can think of is that I will get to see my niece more often. My sister doesn’t currently make much of an effort to include me in my niece’s life. So, I’ll take the extra time with my niece, and I’ll gladly accept the baby gifts, but, yeah, I’m going to resent my status change due to childbirth.

Mel’s Show and Tell — I’m a Grinch

I hope I don’t offend anyone, but I’ve got a bit of a rant here. The economy is in the toilet. Jobs are not secure. Yet I see the same excess as years past. Often with people who can ill afford it. One of the secretaries at my office has been having big packages of gifts for her extended family delivered all week. I know she has a lot of credit card debt. But it’s Christmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!!! She received one box from a children’s clothing store, that had over 10 outfits for her 2 year old niece. Even if it was all on sale, why so much? How do you teach a child to appreciate the thought that went into choosing a gift when there are soooooo many?

I know it’s taboo for a childless person to criticize parents, but I have some parent bloggers on my blog roll who I don’t believe act this way.

My ex’s brother and SIL, for example, just don’t say no to their 2 boys. Their sense of entitlement is off the charts. Last year at Christmas ex’s sister decided (I’m sure at the urging of her husband) that her constant gifts to her nephews were not appreciated. So she scaled back. She got them some beautiful books. The 4 year old had a screaming, crying tantrum, because Aunt L got him “Just a book!!”

Please tell me internets, it’s not my holiday, so maybe I’m missing something, but where’s the spirit of Christmas in that?

Don’t get me wrong, I love giving and receiving gifts. I love choosing something special for someone and seeing their expression when I get it right. I don’t buy many gifts for my 10 year old niece, because, quite frankly, I think my gifts get lost in the piles of stuff she has. I also want her to be glad to see me without looking for a gift. When she was about 3 or 4 I took the train to visit (they live about an hour by commuter train from me), when I got in my sister’s car after getting off the train, my niece asked what I brought her. She’d never done that before. I looked her in the eyes and said, “You have all my love. What else do you need?” She grinned and said, “Oh, okay. I love you, too.” She never did it again.

I wonder, internets, do you think the overindulgers are trying to fill something in themselves?

Okay, so after all that telling, let me show you something. That's not, IMHO, overindulgent. Here’s one of The June Bride’s darling fleece hats.

For a chance to win a custom made infant or toddler hat in your choice of color (and pitch in for a wonderful cause) please check out this post.

Don't forget to check out what the rest of the class is showing this week.

Pay it Forward Fridays — Hot Etsy Pick With Heart

Okay, bear with me. This post is going to seem all over the place, but I will tie it together. I promise.

Pay it Forward Friday again. How do I thank a community for the love I’ve been given? How do I explain to outsiders that there is a community on the internet that is literally helping me get pregnant and bring home my baby? All I can think to do is keep paying it forward. Sometimes I’m inspired. This week I had a Pay it Forward inspiration.

First, let me introduce you to my Hot Etsy Pick, Karen at The June Bride. I discovered her Etsy shop when I was looking for a case to protect my iTouch in my purse. Karen’s iPod cases were hands down my favorites on Etsy. I bought this one.

Recognize the website? :-)

I was looking at the rest of her items and noticed her adorable baby and toddler fleece hats. So I added one to my cart for the cutest baby girl in Eindhoven. I was VERY pleased with my purchases when they arrived (very quickly). Love the iPod case, use it every day. The hat! Oh, my! Cuter than the photos and soooooo soft. Then a few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend about how she couldn’t find baby mittens. She was putting socks on her son’s hands to go out. Back to Etsy. Lo and behold, back to The June Bride. Karen’s fleece, thumbless baby mittens are perfect. I ordered a pair and a matching hat. Again, I couldn’t believe how fast they arrived. But this time I wasn’t surprised by the excellent quality.

How does this relate to paying it forward? Karen has graciously offered a custom made hat as a giveaway.
Her Etsy shop is booming. She really didn’t need me to feature her. She doesn’t normally do blog giveaways, but is happy to help with my idea. Many of you know Cara at Building Heavenly Bridges, and about her efforts to start a Share support group in her area for parents dealing with miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. She is also doing a giveaway to raise the startup costs. These two posts describe her efforts. I’m so glad to be able to do something to help her in this incredible, living memorial to her daughter Emma. Emma’s spirit shines through Cara, and will touch many people in the years to come.

For my giveaway, all you need to do it donate $5 to Cara’s Share group through the donate button on Cara's sidebar. Leave a comment here or send me an email and I will enter you. You have from today until (just to be arbitrary) the day I start estrogen for my FET. I think that should be in about 3 weeks or so. I will confirm the date when I know. I will randomly pick a winner, and the winner can then tell Karen what size and color they’d like. $5 is easy. Just a little more than a latte at St*rbux.

Thank you, and YES to swearing!

Thank you for all the supportive comments. I think I sent her a pretty mild email. I did my best.

Regarding Geohde's question, forgiveness is not needed for swearing on my blog. Swearing is encouraged here! Let loose!

Whatever!

Well, it took me until this afternoon to send the response to my friend's email.

I put together Kristin's and Areyoukiddingme's suggested wording, along with the link from Bleu.

This is what I sent:
I know you mean well but, unfortunately, thats not how this email came across to me. I appreciate your wanting to help, but if you want to know how I feel right now, please read this. http://www.trusera.com/health/journals/joysuzanne/joysuzanne-s-journal/support-your-local-infertile

xoxo,
Dora

This is what I received in return:

That's fine I will not reach out to you again.

Good luck.

Nice. Guess I'm done.

Can you imagine the response if I'd linked to Tertia's post?

Big, fat thighs!

My inseam split. From crotch to knee. AT WORK! I have no idea when it happened. I looked down and my big, white, pasty, left thigh was winking at me

Thankfully, I had another pair of pants (never worn) in my desk drawer that I wanted to take to my seamstress. (My seamstress, who worked from her apt., has disappeared. Phone disconnected. No answer at doorbell. DAMN!) They need hemming. I cuffed them and used double sided tape. And they are about 3 inches too big in the waist. That's how I have to buy them to get a decent fit in the hips and thighs. I am an hourglass. (For the moment.) They don't cut clothes for hourglass figures. (Said seamstress is so good at that, she can take in jeans and you can't tell! What will I do without her?) I suppose I shouldn't have the waist taken in. These could get through the first trimester.

In the meantime, the stress/holiday eating has not abated. My boss and I received this from one of our vendors.


We split the goodies. I got a few more goodies, because he wanted the basket. I just got rid of the basket from last year, using it for my BFF's baby shower gifts a few months ago. I don't need it. And honestly, even though it looks like a lot, it's so much wasteful packaging. Some of those packages contain 2 chocolates. But it is still a lot of munchies.

I'll lose weight during the first trimester from throwing up. Right?

Every Uterus Has a Silver Lining

Andrea at Bella and Her Fella has given me an award. Am I in with the “in crowd” now?
It was given to her by Murgdan, who wrote this about it:

"I wanted to come up with a way to thank those people who continually brighten my day; who remind me that although infertility is an ugly monster, she can be conquered (momentarily) with a laugh. I don't know that every cloud really has a silver lining. Let's face it; there are a lot of ugly clouds out there (some of them following us around relentlessly)."

I'm going to pass the award to some other bloggers who brighten my day.

Angrycanrn at The Story of Me. My LIFE is so much brighter with her in it. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better over the decades as our children grow up. Maybe eventually we can get adjoining rooms in the nursing home to make it easier for the kids to visit.
Topcat at Indisputable Topcat. What a fighter. Her sense of humor in the midst of so much is an inspiration. Plus, I just enjoy that kind of snarky, bitter humor!
Kristin at The Fertile Infertile. What a light in our community. I love reading her parenting stories. She’s on my "go to" list for mom advice.
Cara at The Bear And The Comedian. I love both her blogs, but I am madly in love with her daughters. I want squeeeeeeeze them until they squeal!

I have been tagged several times in the past couple of months. I’ve been a bad blogger and haven’t gotten to them. So, FYI, here are 7 random things about me. Not tagging forward.

1. I really need to do laundry. REALLY. Today I’m wearing the lucky IVF socks a blogger sent me because they’re clean.
2. I am excellent at choosing gifts for people. I rarely miss the mark. Even with my mother, who’s terrible at it, particularly with me. (Really, even my sister (who’s not so good at it herself) has been known to say to her, “What are you thinking? That’s not even remotely Dora’s style.”) I love doing it. I’m quite pleased with myself about the gift for Angrycanrn that I just put in the mail. It’s not extravagant (you know, like a bunch of embies), but it’s personal and special.
3. I had a cat named “Puppy”. Don’t know why, the name just fit. He was a great cat. A spooner. He lived to 18.
4. I sleep on a silk pillowcase because it’s better for my curls. I take one with me when I travel. Did you know that curly hair tends to be much drier than straight hair? Cotton pillowcases rough up the hair cuticle and absorb moisture from the hair.
5. I still have very oily skin in my mid-40s. It’s a nuisance, as my face gets shiny in about a half an hour, but the upside is hardly any lines. I’ve been told I’ll fit in just fine with the 30 something moms. (But the 30 something moms aren’t going to be experiencing peri-menopause symptoms, as I expect to soon. My dr says probably within the next year. FUN!) Peri-menopause, pimples and breastfeeding, OH MY!
6. I have a checkered past dating musicians. Not the last guy, but a bunch over the years. Guitar, piano, keyboard players, composers. No drummers. Oh, wait, that’s not totally true. I dated a music education professor for a while. When I asked him what instrument he played, he sheepishly said, “All of them.” Guess you need a basic knowledge of them all to teach people to be music teachers.
7. Re the musicians, I think I was a musician in a past life. In this life, I can carry a tune and keep rhythm, but have no real talent. Yet I can speak the language. I remember having a conversation with a boyfriend where he was explaining to me about learning to write a cantata. I couldn’t pick out a cantata from various pieces of music, but I understood what he was saying. It really is a shame I don’t have any musical talent. I have very long fingers. If I could, I would love to be able to play blues guitar. Really wail!

Coming out of the closet. No, not THAT closet.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

As plan b is really kicking into gear, my embryo donor and I have decided to let you all in on our wonderful connection. If you haven’t figured it out yet, it is Angrycanrn from The Story of Me who has pledged to donate a whole bunch of beautiful embryos to help me become a mother. It’s hard to find words to express how I feel about all this. About her generosity, her faith in my ability to be a good mom on my own, the leap of faith it takes to trust in this unique way of family building because it just feels right. It feels very right. As far as I’m concerned, we are family. This journey has made it so.

I feel the same way about Donor Daddy. He is an important part of my path to my child. I plan to share that with my child someday. Our gametes joined and grew and divided. We’re family, too.

So, friends, it looks like I may be heading north soon to make a baby. Well, not make one. (Still strange to think my child is already conceived. Preconceived? My little notion?) You know what I mean. Gestate one. It would be so great if we can sync up and have our transfers the same day. We’re thinking it’s going to be one hell of a pajama party in the hotel room after transfer. (Send chocolate!) I will bring my laptop for post transfer blogging.

I can’t wait to meet this incredible, strong woman face to face. Oh, and her kids! I just hope I don’t cry when I meet them. (I will be on a bunch of hormones, you know.) "Aunt Dora just has something in her eye."

It’s exciting. It’s scary. More hope means further to fall. I’m so lucky, though. If I fall, I have all of you to catch me. But I would do it all anyway. I want to meet my child.

As a funny aside to the title, at one point, after the evil Midwestern clinic had told both of us they would not treat single women, I sent an email proposing to her. (My exact words were, “Same sex marriage is legal in Canada. Wanna get hitched?”) It would serve the idiots at evil clinic right, since I presume their policy is also intended to discriminate against same sex couples. After she stopped laughing, she declined, informing me it would be too scandalous, as she’s such a recent widow. Good thing she gets my sense of humor.

P.S. This is my 100th post!

Email update.

Thanks for all the feedback. I would ignore it, but we have a good mutual friend, so I will be seeing her. Also, as I said, I’ve done the ignore thing too much as I’ve been dealing with this. I don’t think the subtler suggestions would work. Too much denial about her own over 40 prospects. I like the link Bleu posted. Says pretty much the same thing as Tertia’s, but without all the snark that I enjoy so much, but which could backfire. I think an email like what Kristin and Areyoukiddingme said, with Bleu’s link could work. If not, then I’ll send the snarky link.

Yeah, info on egg quality is perfect just when I’m done with my eggs. Also, she should know that I’m a champion researcher. She had some major back issues a couple of years ago and I gave her some shit about just letting the drs do all these nerve blocks and such without doing some research and getting second opinions. Ever hear of arachnoiditis? Horrible and irreversible. Generally caused by spinal injections. Some drs love doing these injections. It doesn’t take much time, and insurance pays VERY well for it.

Mel’s Show and Tell — Advice Please

For show and tell this week I bring you a dilemma. In a recent post I mentioned a comment in an email from a friend. After telling her about my failed cycle, she responded with, "I know you've tried everything and probably acupuncture too, but that's how my one friend had hers at 'our age'." Well, I didn’t respond to that and then got another email from her. Here’s the “show” part of my show and tell. The first image is a collage of screen shots to try to show the length of the email. What I’m showing is literally ONE FIFTH of the length of the actual email! (Click on it to see it better.)


Here’s the beginning, with her note to me.


Here’s an example of one screen shot to give you an idea of the content. OY!


This shit makes me crazy! My instinct is to ignore her emails and shut her out. But I feel like I’ve done too much of that. She’s not a close friend, but I don’t want to cut her off completely. I know she means well, but this stuff only makes it worse. A friend suggested I send her the link to Tertia’s classic post about How to be Good Friends with an Infertile. I would like to direct her attention to point #3. I think she might take offense. But, I’m offended by her emails. What do you think? What would the internets do?

Assorted stuff

Didn’t mean to exclude the men in that last post. I just want to add that I really appreciate the male voices in our community. Glad you’re here, guys.

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Check out my friend’s new blog. Go over and welcome the Princess of Tides to our corner of the blogospere.

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Random piece of info: I ate M&Ms at 10am today. That’s kind of screwed up.

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What do you all think of a New York area holiday meet-up? I have been avoiding holiday events this year. My office holiday party was on beta day. No f#*&ing way was I going to that one. Bagged on an event earlier this week. Planning on bagging on a big family Hanukkah party at a cousin’s. I’m not up for dealing with the stupid or insensitive questions and comments. If a group of us in the area got together in the next few weeks, we could have a festive occasion without that other crap. We could have a big ole pity party if we want to. The point is, it would be OURS! We could confine the stupid or insensitive questions and comments to a party game. Go around the table and see who’s had to deal with the worst one. The prize would be chocolate. Duh! Could also have a “best snarky comeback” contest. Bonus points for actually have said it! Those of us not cycling could make it a drinking game. So … what do you think? An IF Holiday Pity Party?

Don't forget to check out what the rest of the class is showing.

Wearing each other’s shoes — Sympathy vs. Empathy

From my point of view, the ALI blogosphere is the most empathetic place in the world. And it’s not even a real place. It’s how our hearts connect. We are here from different paths and for different reasons. We reach out from within our own pain to fearlessly reach out to our sisters and put on their shoes for the time it takes to read a post and leave a comment. To “try on” another woman’s pain, so that we can give the best comfort we can.

I used the word “fearlessly” because I’ve come to the conclusion that the main reason people are not empathetic is fear. No matter how much we’ve endured, our own pain is familiar. To really empathize, rather than express sympathy (which always brings the word “pity” to my mind), we must imagine what it would be like. To lose an infant, to miscarry, to lose a spouse, to have an adoption fall through, to have a failed IVF cycle (oh, wait, I know that one), etc. Fucking scary! My MO is generally to feel the fear and do it anyway. But to be honest, I have not been able to click on the links on LFCA to the blogs with recent infant losses. Just can’t right now. If they were blogs I’d already been reading, it would be different. So, while my heart goes out to these grieving moms, I’ll let some other sisters step up. Those shoes are too scary right now.

Where does empathy come from? Is it in our DNA? Can it be taught? My mother and sister are not very empathetic. I have been told by more than one mental health professional that my mother is a narcissist. Narcissists don’t do empathy well. Why try on someone else’s shoes when the world is revolving around YOU! Did I somehow get the lesson from my father, who died when I was 17? Is it a reaction to my mother’s self absorption? Do I try to understand how others feel because she never tried to understand my feelings? (This is the woman who seated me, her 40 something, single, childless daughter, at the kids table for Passover this past year.) Is it just part of who I am, stamped on me at conception?

My child will not have a mother who will assume to know what he or she is feeling, or who will discount those feelings. I can’t wait to meet this unique person.

As I wait for the next step to bring me closer to my child, I salute my sisters who cram their feet into each other’s shoes, endure the pain in order to listen, to really hear, to understand as much as possible, to comfort each other and to celebrate with each other. It’s certainly not the easiest way to be. But my life and my friendships are richer for it.

Emotional eating

Chocolate is my drug of choice. Food in general, actually. Discussing my eating habits with my acupuncturist a while back, I quipped about the sedative effect of carbs. I wasn't really kidding.

I had my first RE appt in January. I did okay for the first few months of the year, what with getting all my testing done, having my BIG uterine polyp removed, breaking up with boyfriend, asking old gay friend to be my baby daddy, switching clinics twice. I actually lost some weight before being ready to cycle in June. Then that first cycle got cancelled. All bets were off. I haven't been on a scale since. I tell myself I won't get on the scale until an OB makes me. So there!
I feel like a blob.

I bagged on a social event hosted by my BFF this evening. I'm sure there were plenty of people there that I know and like and don't get to see often. But I just wasn't feeling strong enough to brush off the stupid or insensitive comments. Like this one in an email from a friend after I emailed her about my negative beta. "I know you've tried everything and probably acupuncture too, but that's how my one friend had hers at 'our age'." Ummm, yeah. Right.

I also didn't want to go because I feel fat and blobby.

I have an appointment to have my hair highlighted on Saturday. It's very expensive, but Larry is worth it. When he's done with me, I do not look like I've had my hair highlighted. I do not look processed. My hair looks sunkissed. Upon my request, he paints on highlights so subtly that I don't need to come back for touch ups. It grows out naturally. For the last 2 years I've gone once a year, in the Spring. I think I need a little Spring now. Thank goodness for Larry.

Mel's Show and Tell — Why pay it forward?

This week I have a "tell." I want to share with you the sweetest reward of paying it forward.

Before ordering Kristin's birthday present and posting about it, I asked her permission. Obviously, she said yes. I also received this email from her (which she has given me permission to quote).

"BTW, I forgot to say that this email made my day. I’ve been walking around with a big grin on my face because, honestly, I don’t feel that I’ve done anything that special and it thrills me that I’ve made a difference."

Do you know how good that feels to read? Try it sometime and see!

Don't forget to check out the rest of the class!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Because I CAN!

I’ve missed the last couple of weeks with my PIF posts. Damned 2 week wait is so distracting.

Today, though, it feels important. I need to celebrate this community that has helped me maintain my sanity throughout this cycle. It has meant so much knowing all these caring people online have been waiting for updates and praying and hoping for my success.

I will raise my glass to you all tonight. Yup, I’m having me some alcohol tonight. With a side of ibuprofen. (Oh, I’ve missed ibuprofen!)

As my Pay it Forward gesture this week I’m giving a birthday gift to Kristin of The Fertile Infertile. Her birthday is tomorrow. Kristin is an all the time Iron Commenter, not just during ICLW! She can always be counted on to stop by with a comforting or encouraging word. I know I’m not the only one who treasures her contributions to our community.

I noticed a comment that Kristin left on Mel’s blog about Mel’s forthcoming book, Navigating the Land of If. She was hoping that her finances would be good when the book was released. Kristin does so much for others. For her kids and husband, her extended family (her loving posts about her in-laws are treasures), and her friends. It was an easy choice to pre-order another copy of the book (I already ordered mine) for Kristin.

So, birthday girl, your book will arrive shortly after its release. If you’re feeling flush at the time, you can always pay it forward by purchasing a copy for someone else. Maybe a new blogger listed on LFCA. A newbie who can really use the information. Just a thought.

Officially not pregnant.

Not unexpected. Annoyed at the 50 minute wait for my blood draw this morning. Then, could someone please tell me why they have a nurse with a very thick accent make phone calls?? For some reason her call went straight to voice mail, and they will not leave messages about pregnancy tests. So I had to call back and wait on hold for a looooooooong time to get the expected negative results.

Honestly, I'm more relieved that it's not beta hell. A low beta indicating a miscarriage or an ectopic would have been worse.

Calling DD to give him the news was not easy.

Cold or not, I'm drinking tonight!

Thank you all for getting me through this cycle with my sanity basically intact.

Sick and still negative.

Got hit with a cold Monday night. Pee stick still negative as of this morning. Beta tomorrow.

I'm miserable, congested, headachey, and not sleeping well.

I want to thank everyone for all their supportive comments. It really makes a difference having all of you rooting for me.

I've beaten the odds even getting this far. After my cycle where I was cancelled after 7 days of stims, I was told by 3 REs from 3 different well respected clinics that I probably wouldn't make it to retrieval with my own eggs. This makes it much easier to move to plan b with peace.

2WW HELL! I feel ... nothing.

No real symptoms. Boobs a tiny bit tender, but nothing to write home about. Odd thing is, at this point in my cycle they're normally killing me from PMS. At this point I normally have to cross my arms over my chest to dash across the street to keep them from hurting more.

I did POAS yesterday. Nothing. I know, too soon. Didn't do it today. Will do it again tomorrow and probably every day until my beta on Friday. I'm losing my little bit of hope for this cycle.

I want a strong drink. I want sushi. I want a rare burger.

But all I really want is my baby.