Peaceful Places

Angrycanrn is having a contest asking bloggers to describe their “peaceful” place.

I’ve got lots! Rather than one place, when my last nerve is frayed, I try to get away. A weekend away somewhere soothes and refreshes. I’ve become skilled at bidding low (and winning) for hotels on Price1ine. Washington, DC is any easy getaway from NYC. You may remember this post about the newish bus service that provides WiFi and electrical outlets! In the last couple of years I’ve taken a few weekend trips to New Orleans. (BTW, December is a VERY cheap time to go there.) Before getting ready to cycle this past June, I took a real vacation in May to Europe. 10 days on my own. Just wandering, traveling by train to different towns, people watching with a cup of coffee in a café. Best thing I could do for my head.

Getting away from the clutter (literal and figurative) in my life for a bit gives me a peacefulness that’s hard to come by ordinarily. I’m sure this will change drastically with a baby. (Although, I plan to ask Matt Logelin for single parent traveling tips. He’s so good at it! Although, Madeline is an exceptionally easy baby.) I expect peaceful moments with a little one will be different. Deep sleeping baby sighs while sleeping across my chest. I’m looking forward to friends and family enjoying a baby with me, but I’m really looking forward to the intense, one on one, baby-mom lovefest.

Anyway, here are some peaceful moments from my travels.

One of my favorite places in DC. Dumbarton Oaks in Georgetown. I once actually dozed off while lounging on a stone wall under some wisteria vines.




Café du Monde. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm!


Stormy night in Jackson Square. The sky was amazing!


Little treasure on quiet French Quarter street.


Wandering through the beautiful streets of the Garden District.


Serene street in Haarlem, NL.


This one in Amsterdam.


Amsterdam at dusk. A fairy tale city.


More!

Naturally Timed FET vs Suppression?

I could use some of the vast knowledge our community has accumulated. I'm debating the pros and cons of a naturally timed FET vs suppression. My local RE says that without suppression, about 15% of women will ovulate. Considering my age and that my cycles are no longer as regular as they used to be, and that I will be traveling for my transfer (plus they will be culturing the embies after thawing, so we may not be sure of the transfer date until the last minute), suppression seems to make sense. I would like to hear about other's experiences with FET protocols.

Other miscellaneous FET questions:

Are hot baths okay up until transfer?

How soon after transfer would you fly? One of the top clinics here in NYC, which has a lot of out of town patients, tells their patients they can fly the next day. My flight will be short (about 2 hours), but it makes me nervous. I’m planning on taking just a carryon with wheels, but I will be on my own, so still some shlepping involved. Since I may not have a firm transfer date (depends on how long they decide to culture the embies once they see how they thaw), I’m trying to decide whether to add an extra day to the trip, so that if I do wind up with a day 5 transfer, I could fly home 2 days after transfer instead of the day after.

Thanks, all!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Hormones for Christmas

I was a hormone matchmaker again this week. I saw a post on an IF message board from someone who had extra IVF meds. I quickly sent her a message and connected her with a friend who needs them for her next cycle. Good karma all around.

Just to remind you all that just a $5.00 donation to help Cara at Building Heavenly Bridges start up her support group for parents dealing with miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss with enter you in a drawing for a beautiful custom made hat from The June Bride. Read this post for details.

Persona Non Grata … this year

Hope everyone had a good holiday. There’s a lot going on in the ALI blogosphere. Some terrible losses and some positive betas. The rest of us muddling through.

I was reading someone’s post about feeling like a second class citizen at holiday gatherings since she and her husband had no children. I’ve read posts like that before. I’ve seen message board threads about this. Common enough. Single and childless = third class. Extra fun!

I started thinking about next year. If this FET works in January, I will get lots of attention around the holidays. Everyone wants to see a new baybeeeeee! I think I will resent it more than I resent the treatment I get now. The one upside I can think of is that I will get to see my niece more often. My sister doesn’t currently make much of an effort to include me in my niece’s life. So, I’ll take the extra time with my niece, and I’ll gladly accept the baby gifts, but, yeah, I’m going to resent my status change due to childbirth.

Mel’s Show and Tell — I’m a Grinch

I hope I don’t offend anyone, but I’ve got a bit of a rant here. The economy is in the toilet. Jobs are not secure. Yet I see the same excess as years past. Often with people who can ill afford it. One of the secretaries at my office has been having big packages of gifts for her extended family delivered all week. I know she has a lot of credit card debt. But it’s Christmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas!!! She received one box from a children’s clothing store, that had over 10 outfits for her 2 year old niece. Even if it was all on sale, why so much? How do you teach a child to appreciate the thought that went into choosing a gift when there are soooooo many?

I know it’s taboo for a childless person to criticize parents, but I have some parent bloggers on my blog roll who I don’t believe act this way.

My ex’s brother and SIL, for example, just don’t say no to their 2 boys. Their sense of entitlement is off the charts. Last year at Christmas ex’s sister decided (I’m sure at the urging of her husband) that her constant gifts to her nephews were not appreciated. So she scaled back. She got them some beautiful books. The 4 year old had a screaming, crying tantrum, because Aunt L got him “Just a book!!”

Please tell me internets, it’s not my holiday, so maybe I’m missing something, but where’s the spirit of Christmas in that?

Don’t get me wrong, I love giving and receiving gifts. I love choosing something special for someone and seeing their expression when I get it right. I don’t buy many gifts for my 10 year old niece, because, quite frankly, I think my gifts get lost in the piles of stuff she has. I also want her to be glad to see me without looking for a gift. When she was about 3 or 4 I took the train to visit (they live about an hour by commuter train from me), when I got in my sister’s car after getting off the train, my niece asked what I brought her. She’d never done that before. I looked her in the eyes and said, “You have all my love. What else do you need?” She grinned and said, “Oh, okay. I love you, too.” She never did it again.

I wonder, internets, do you think the overindulgers are trying to fill something in themselves?

Okay, so after all that telling, let me show you something. That's not, IMHO, overindulgent. Here’s one of The June Bride’s darling fleece hats.

For a chance to win a custom made infant or toddler hat in your choice of color (and pitch in for a wonderful cause) please check out this post.

Don't forget to check out what the rest of the class is showing this week.

Pay it Forward Fridays — Hot Etsy Pick With Heart

Okay, bear with me. This post is going to seem all over the place, but I will tie it together. I promise.

Pay it Forward Friday again. How do I thank a community for the love I’ve been given? How do I explain to outsiders that there is a community on the internet that is literally helping me get pregnant and bring home my baby? All I can think to do is keep paying it forward. Sometimes I’m inspired. This week I had a Pay it Forward inspiration.

First, let me introduce you to my Hot Etsy Pick, Karen at The June Bride. I discovered her Etsy shop when I was looking for a case to protect my iTouch in my purse. Karen’s iPod cases were hands down my favorites on Etsy. I bought this one.

Recognize the website? :-)

I was looking at the rest of her items and noticed her adorable baby and toddler fleece hats. So I added one to my cart for the cutest baby girl in Eindhoven. I was VERY pleased with my purchases when they arrived (very quickly). Love the iPod case, use it every day. The hat! Oh, my! Cuter than the photos and soooooo soft. Then a few weeks ago, I was talking to a friend about how she couldn’t find baby mittens. She was putting socks on her son’s hands to go out. Back to Etsy. Lo and behold, back to The June Bride. Karen’s fleece, thumbless baby mittens are perfect. I ordered a pair and a matching hat. Again, I couldn’t believe how fast they arrived. But this time I wasn’t surprised by the excellent quality.

How does this relate to paying it forward? Karen has graciously offered a custom made hat as a giveaway.
Her Etsy shop is booming. She really didn’t need me to feature her. She doesn’t normally do blog giveaways, but is happy to help with my idea. Many of you know Cara at Building Heavenly Bridges, and about her efforts to start a Share support group in her area for parents dealing with miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. She is also doing a giveaway to raise the startup costs. These two posts describe her efforts. I’m so glad to be able to do something to help her in this incredible, living memorial to her daughter Emma. Emma’s spirit shines through Cara, and will touch many people in the years to come.

For my giveaway, all you need to do it donate $5 to Cara’s Share group through the donate button on Cara's sidebar. Leave a comment here or send me an email and I will enter you. You have from today until (just to be arbitrary) the day I start estrogen for my FET. I think that should be in about 3 weeks or so. I will confirm the date when I know. I will randomly pick a winner, and the winner can then tell Karen what size and color they’d like. $5 is easy. Just a little more than a latte at St*rbux.

Thank you, and YES to swearing!

Thank you for all the supportive comments. I think I sent her a pretty mild email. I did my best.

Regarding Geohde's question, forgiveness is not needed for swearing on my blog. Swearing is encouraged here! Let loose!

Whatever!

Well, it took me until this afternoon to send the response to my friend's email.

I put together Kristin's and Areyoukiddingme's suggested wording, along with the link from Bleu.

This is what I sent:
I know you mean well but, unfortunately, thats not how this email came across to me. I appreciate your wanting to help, but if you want to know how I feel right now, please read this. http://www.trusera.com/health/journals/joysuzanne/joysuzanne-s-journal/support-your-local-infertile

xoxo,
Dora

This is what I received in return:

That's fine I will not reach out to you again.

Good luck.

Nice. Guess I'm done.

Can you imagine the response if I'd linked to Tertia's post?

Big, fat thighs!

My inseam split. From crotch to knee. AT WORK! I have no idea when it happened. I looked down and my big, white, pasty, left thigh was winking at me

Thankfully, I had another pair of pants (never worn) in my desk drawer that I wanted to take to my seamstress. (My seamstress, who worked from her apt., has disappeared. Phone disconnected. No answer at doorbell. DAMN!) They need hemming. I cuffed them and used double sided tape. And they are about 3 inches too big in the waist. That's how I have to buy them to get a decent fit in the hips and thighs. I am an hourglass. (For the moment.) They don't cut clothes for hourglass figures. (Said seamstress is so good at that, she can take in jeans and you can't tell! What will I do without her?) I suppose I shouldn't have the waist taken in. These could get through the first trimester.

In the meantime, the stress/holiday eating has not abated. My boss and I received this from one of our vendors.


We split the goodies. I got a few more goodies, because he wanted the basket. I just got rid of the basket from last year, using it for my BFF's baby shower gifts a few months ago. I don't need it. And honestly, even though it looks like a lot, it's so much wasteful packaging. Some of those packages contain 2 chocolates. But it is still a lot of munchies.

I'll lose weight during the first trimester from throwing up. Right?

Every Uterus Has a Silver Lining

Andrea at Bella and Her Fella has given me an award. Am I in with the “in crowd” now?
It was given to her by Murgdan, who wrote this about it:

"I wanted to come up with a way to thank those people who continually brighten my day; who remind me that although infertility is an ugly monster, she can be conquered (momentarily) with a laugh. I don't know that every cloud really has a silver lining. Let's face it; there are a lot of ugly clouds out there (some of them following us around relentlessly)."

I'm going to pass the award to some other bloggers who brighten my day.

Angrycanrn at The Story of Me. My LIFE is so much brighter with her in it. I'm looking forward to getting to know her better over the decades as our children grow up. Maybe eventually we can get adjoining rooms in the nursing home to make it easier for the kids to visit.
Topcat at Indisputable Topcat. What a fighter. Her sense of humor in the midst of so much is an inspiration. Plus, I just enjoy that kind of snarky, bitter humor!
Kristin at The Fertile Infertile. What a light in our community. I love reading her parenting stories. She’s on my "go to" list for mom advice.
Cara at The Bear And The Comedian. I love both her blogs, but I am madly in love with her daughters. I want squeeeeeeeze them until they squeal!

I have been tagged several times in the past couple of months. I’ve been a bad blogger and haven’t gotten to them. So, FYI, here are 7 random things about me. Not tagging forward.

1. I really need to do laundry. REALLY. Today I’m wearing the lucky IVF socks a blogger sent me because they’re clean.
2. I am excellent at choosing gifts for people. I rarely miss the mark. Even with my mother, who’s terrible at it, particularly with me. (Really, even my sister (who’s not so good at it herself) has been known to say to her, “What are you thinking? That’s not even remotely Dora’s style.”) I love doing it. I’m quite pleased with myself about the gift for Angrycanrn that I just put in the mail. It’s not extravagant (you know, like a bunch of embies), but it’s personal and special.
3. I had a cat named “Puppy”. Don’t know why, the name just fit. He was a great cat. A spooner. He lived to 18.
4. I sleep on a silk pillowcase because it’s better for my curls. I take one with me when I travel. Did you know that curly hair tends to be much drier than straight hair? Cotton pillowcases rough up the hair cuticle and absorb moisture from the hair.
5. I still have very oily skin in my mid-40s. It’s a nuisance, as my face gets shiny in about a half an hour, but the upside is hardly any lines. I’ve been told I’ll fit in just fine with the 30 something moms. (But the 30 something moms aren’t going to be experiencing peri-menopause symptoms, as I expect to soon. My dr says probably within the next year. FUN!) Peri-menopause, pimples and breastfeeding, OH MY!
6. I have a checkered past dating musicians. Not the last guy, but a bunch over the years. Guitar, piano, keyboard players, composers. No drummers. Oh, wait, that’s not totally true. I dated a music education professor for a while. When I asked him what instrument he played, he sheepishly said, “All of them.” Guess you need a basic knowledge of them all to teach people to be music teachers.
7. Re the musicians, I think I was a musician in a past life. In this life, I can carry a tune and keep rhythm, but have no real talent. Yet I can speak the language. I remember having a conversation with a boyfriend where he was explaining to me about learning to write a cantata. I couldn’t pick out a cantata from various pieces of music, but I understood what he was saying. It really is a shame I don’t have any musical talent. I have very long fingers. If I could, I would love to be able to play blues guitar. Really wail!

Coming out of the closet. No, not THAT closet.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

As plan b is really kicking into gear, my embryo donor and I have decided to let you all in on our wonderful connection. If you haven’t figured it out yet, it is Angrycanrn from The Story of Me who has pledged to donate a whole bunch of beautiful embryos to help me become a mother. It’s hard to find words to express how I feel about all this. About her generosity, her faith in my ability to be a good mom on my own, the leap of faith it takes to trust in this unique way of family building because it just feels right. It feels very right. As far as I’m concerned, we are family. This journey has made it so.

I feel the same way about Donor Daddy. He is an important part of my path to my child. I plan to share that with my child someday. Our gametes joined and grew and divided. We’re family, too.

So, friends, it looks like I may be heading north soon to make a baby. Well, not make one. (Still strange to think my child is already conceived. Preconceived? My little notion?) You know what I mean. Gestate one. It would be so great if we can sync up and have our transfers the same day. We’re thinking it’s going to be one hell of a pajama party in the hotel room after transfer. (Send chocolate!) I will bring my laptop for post transfer blogging.

I can’t wait to meet this incredible, strong woman face to face. Oh, and her kids! I just hope I don’t cry when I meet them. (I will be on a bunch of hormones, you know.) "Aunt Dora just has something in her eye."

It’s exciting. It’s scary. More hope means further to fall. I’m so lucky, though. If I fall, I have all of you to catch me. But I would do it all anyway. I want to meet my child.

As a funny aside to the title, at one point, after the evil Midwestern clinic had told both of us they would not treat single women, I sent an email proposing to her. (My exact words were, “Same sex marriage is legal in Canada. Wanna get hitched?”) It would serve the idiots at evil clinic right, since I presume their policy is also intended to discriminate against same sex couples. After she stopped laughing, she declined, informing me it would be too scandalous, as she’s such a recent widow. Good thing she gets my sense of humor.

P.S. This is my 100th post!

Email update.

Thanks for all the feedback. I would ignore it, but we have a good mutual friend, so I will be seeing her. Also, as I said, I’ve done the ignore thing too much as I’ve been dealing with this. I don’t think the subtler suggestions would work. Too much denial about her own over 40 prospects. I like the link Bleu posted. Says pretty much the same thing as Tertia’s, but without all the snark that I enjoy so much, but which could backfire. I think an email like what Kristin and Areyoukiddingme said, with Bleu’s link could work. If not, then I’ll send the snarky link.

Yeah, info on egg quality is perfect just when I’m done with my eggs. Also, she should know that I’m a champion researcher. She had some major back issues a couple of years ago and I gave her some shit about just letting the drs do all these nerve blocks and such without doing some research and getting second opinions. Ever hear of arachnoiditis? Horrible and irreversible. Generally caused by spinal injections. Some drs love doing these injections. It doesn’t take much time, and insurance pays VERY well for it.

Mel’s Show and Tell — Advice Please

For show and tell this week I bring you a dilemma. In a recent post I mentioned a comment in an email from a friend. After telling her about my failed cycle, she responded with, "I know you've tried everything and probably acupuncture too, but that's how my one friend had hers at 'our age'." Well, I didn’t respond to that and then got another email from her. Here’s the “show” part of my show and tell. The first image is a collage of screen shots to try to show the length of the email. What I’m showing is literally ONE FIFTH of the length of the actual email! (Click on it to see it better.)


Here’s the beginning, with her note to me.


Here’s an example of one screen shot to give you an idea of the content. OY!


This shit makes me crazy! My instinct is to ignore her emails and shut her out. But I feel like I’ve done too much of that. She’s not a close friend, but I don’t want to cut her off completely. I know she means well, but this stuff only makes it worse. A friend suggested I send her the link to Tertia’s classic post about How to be Good Friends with an Infertile. I would like to direct her attention to point #3. I think she might take offense. But, I’m offended by her emails. What do you think? What would the internets do?

Assorted stuff

Didn’t mean to exclude the men in that last post. I just want to add that I really appreciate the male voices in our community. Glad you’re here, guys.

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Check out my friend’s new blog. Go over and welcome the Princess of Tides to our corner of the blogospere.

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Random piece of info: I ate M&Ms at 10am today. That’s kind of screwed up.

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What do you all think of a New York area holiday meet-up? I have been avoiding holiday events this year. My office holiday party was on beta day. No f#*&ing way was I going to that one. Bagged on an event earlier this week. Planning on bagging on a big family Hanukkah party at a cousin’s. I’m not up for dealing with the stupid or insensitive questions and comments. If a group of us in the area got together in the next few weeks, we could have a festive occasion without that other crap. We could have a big ole pity party if we want to. The point is, it would be OURS! We could confine the stupid or insensitive questions and comments to a party game. Go around the table and see who’s had to deal with the worst one. The prize would be chocolate. Duh! Could also have a “best snarky comeback” contest. Bonus points for actually have said it! Those of us not cycling could make it a drinking game. So … what do you think? An IF Holiday Pity Party?

Don't forget to check out what the rest of the class is showing.

Wearing each other’s shoes — Sympathy vs. Empathy

From my point of view, the ALI blogosphere is the most empathetic place in the world. And it’s not even a real place. It’s how our hearts connect. We are here from different paths and for different reasons. We reach out from within our own pain to fearlessly reach out to our sisters and put on their shoes for the time it takes to read a post and leave a comment. To “try on” another woman’s pain, so that we can give the best comfort we can.

I used the word “fearlessly” because I’ve come to the conclusion that the main reason people are not empathetic is fear. No matter how much we’ve endured, our own pain is familiar. To really empathize, rather than express sympathy (which always brings the word “pity” to my mind), we must imagine what it would be like. To lose an infant, to miscarry, to lose a spouse, to have an adoption fall through, to have a failed IVF cycle (oh, wait, I know that one), etc. Fucking scary! My MO is generally to feel the fear and do it anyway. But to be honest, I have not been able to click on the links on LFCA to the blogs with recent infant losses. Just can’t right now. If they were blogs I’d already been reading, it would be different. So, while my heart goes out to these grieving moms, I’ll let some other sisters step up. Those shoes are too scary right now.

Where does empathy come from? Is it in our DNA? Can it be taught? My mother and sister are not very empathetic. I have been told by more than one mental health professional that my mother is a narcissist. Narcissists don’t do empathy well. Why try on someone else’s shoes when the world is revolving around YOU! Did I somehow get the lesson from my father, who died when I was 17? Is it a reaction to my mother’s self absorption? Do I try to understand how others feel because she never tried to understand my feelings? (This is the woman who seated me, her 40 something, single, childless daughter, at the kids table for Passover this past year.) Is it just part of who I am, stamped on me at conception?

My child will not have a mother who will assume to know what he or she is feeling, or who will discount those feelings. I can’t wait to meet this unique person.

As I wait for the next step to bring me closer to my child, I salute my sisters who cram their feet into each other’s shoes, endure the pain in order to listen, to really hear, to understand as much as possible, to comfort each other and to celebrate with each other. It’s certainly not the easiest way to be. But my life and my friendships are richer for it.

Emotional eating

Chocolate is my drug of choice. Food in general, actually. Discussing my eating habits with my acupuncturist a while back, I quipped about the sedative effect of carbs. I wasn't really kidding.

I had my first RE appt in January. I did okay for the first few months of the year, what with getting all my testing done, having my BIG uterine polyp removed, breaking up with boyfriend, asking old gay friend to be my baby daddy, switching clinics twice. I actually lost some weight before being ready to cycle in June. Then that first cycle got cancelled. All bets were off. I haven't been on a scale since. I tell myself I won't get on the scale until an OB makes me. So there!
I feel like a blob.

I bagged on a social event hosted by my BFF this evening. I'm sure there were plenty of people there that I know and like and don't get to see often. But I just wasn't feeling strong enough to brush off the stupid or insensitive comments. Like this one in an email from a friend after I emailed her about my negative beta. "I know you've tried everything and probably acupuncture too, but that's how my one friend had hers at 'our age'." Ummm, yeah. Right.

I also didn't want to go because I feel fat and blobby.

I have an appointment to have my hair highlighted on Saturday. It's very expensive, but Larry is worth it. When he's done with me, I do not look like I've had my hair highlighted. I do not look processed. My hair looks sunkissed. Upon my request, he paints on highlights so subtly that I don't need to come back for touch ups. It grows out naturally. For the last 2 years I've gone once a year, in the Spring. I think I need a little Spring now. Thank goodness for Larry.

Mel's Show and Tell — Why pay it forward?

This week I have a "tell." I want to share with you the sweetest reward of paying it forward.

Before ordering Kristin's birthday present and posting about it, I asked her permission. Obviously, she said yes. I also received this email from her (which she has given me permission to quote).

"BTW, I forgot to say that this email made my day. I’ve been walking around with a big grin on my face because, honestly, I don’t feel that I’ve done anything that special and it thrills me that I’ve made a difference."

Do you know how good that feels to read? Try it sometime and see!

Don't forget to check out the rest of the class!

Pay it Forward Fridays — Because I CAN!

I’ve missed the last couple of weeks with my PIF posts. Damned 2 week wait is so distracting.

Today, though, it feels important. I need to celebrate this community that has helped me maintain my sanity throughout this cycle. It has meant so much knowing all these caring people online have been waiting for updates and praying and hoping for my success.

I will raise my glass to you all tonight. Yup, I’m having me some alcohol tonight. With a side of ibuprofen. (Oh, I’ve missed ibuprofen!)

As my Pay it Forward gesture this week I’m giving a birthday gift to Kristin of The Fertile Infertile. Her birthday is tomorrow. Kristin is an all the time Iron Commenter, not just during ICLW! She can always be counted on to stop by with a comforting or encouraging word. I know I’m not the only one who treasures her contributions to our community.

I noticed a comment that Kristin left on Mel’s blog about Mel’s forthcoming book, Navigating the Land of If. She was hoping that her finances would be good when the book was released. Kristin does so much for others. For her kids and husband, her extended family (her loving posts about her in-laws are treasures), and her friends. It was an easy choice to pre-order another copy of the book (I already ordered mine) for Kristin.

So, birthday girl, your book will arrive shortly after its release. If you’re feeling flush at the time, you can always pay it forward by purchasing a copy for someone else. Maybe a new blogger listed on LFCA. A newbie who can really use the information. Just a thought.

Officially not pregnant.

Not unexpected. Annoyed at the 50 minute wait for my blood draw this morning. Then, could someone please tell me why they have a nurse with a very thick accent make phone calls?? For some reason her call went straight to voice mail, and they will not leave messages about pregnancy tests. So I had to call back and wait on hold for a looooooooong time to get the expected negative results.

Honestly, I'm more relieved that it's not beta hell. A low beta indicating a miscarriage or an ectopic would have been worse.

Calling DD to give him the news was not easy.

Cold or not, I'm drinking tonight!

Thank you all for getting me through this cycle with my sanity basically intact.

Sick and still negative.

Got hit with a cold Monday night. Pee stick still negative as of this morning. Beta tomorrow.

I'm miserable, congested, headachey, and not sleeping well.

I want to thank everyone for all their supportive comments. It really makes a difference having all of you rooting for me.

I've beaten the odds even getting this far. After my cycle where I was cancelled after 7 days of stims, I was told by 3 REs from 3 different well respected clinics that I probably wouldn't make it to retrieval with my own eggs. This makes it much easier to move to plan b with peace.

2WW HELL! I feel ... nothing.

No real symptoms. Boobs a tiny bit tender, but nothing to write home about. Odd thing is, at this point in my cycle they're normally killing me from PMS. At this point I normally have to cross my arms over my chest to dash across the street to keep them from hurting more.

I did POAS yesterday. Nothing. I know, too soon. Didn't do it today. Will do it again tomorrow and probably every day until my beta on Friday. I'm losing my little bit of hope for this cycle.

I want a strong drink. I want sushi. I want a rare burger.

But all I really want is my baby.

Mel's Show & Tell — The Boot

Well, the new podiatrist I saw on Wednesday agrees that it's likely tendonitis (anterior and posterior tibial tendons). He wouldn't rule out a fracture (although thought it unlikely) or a tear, but agreed we should not subject my delicate little embie to an x-ray or mri. He said I would heal faster immobilized. Thus, the boot. So I'm clomping around in the boot with a cane. I'm telling people I'm in little old lady training. Oooh, do I get cranky when people with packages crowd into the elevators in the subway instead of using the stairs!

Clomped my way to Brooklyn on Thanksgiving to spend it with DD and his family at the home of friends of his. Awesome food and great company. Saw DD's sister for the first time since starting all this. She greeted me like a long lost sister. (Hi Aunt D!) She is so excited about the prospect of being an aunt. His stunning 18 year old niece has volunteered for diaper duty. His 2 grown nephews, not so much. Aunt D attempted to entice me to visit with the child, who is just a glimmer right now, by telling me they have a tree house.

This kid is going to have so much love! We must try not to smooch him or her to death!

BTW, DD wasn't trying to be cool with the shades during the parade. Those are his regular glasses, they're photosensitive lenses. I remember him telling me after the parade one year, that driving the sleigh in the parade and seeing the children's faces along the parade route, turned the Jewish boy from Brooklyn into a believer in Santa. No wonder I asked him to father my child.

Oh, and did I mention that since I'm trying to stay off my foot this weekend I'm really bored. Not a good thing combined with the dreaded 2 week wait!

Don't forget to check what the rest of the class is showing this week!

******************************

Sad news about my friend's cycle. Her embie didn't make it. Thank you from both of us for all the good wishes. She will try again in January at a different clinic. I have a little bit of meds left from my cycle that I'm giving her. She has used up all her IF medication insurance coverage. If anyone has leftover stims they could donate, it would be such a blessing. Please let me know.

Two Week Wait OBSESSING — A question for the internets

I have a question for the internets. It's 5dp3dt, I have a bit of CM. Does that mean anything? My boobs are a little bit tender. Normally 8 days past ovulation I would have very tender PMS boobs. Hmmmmm! There's no getting around obsessing during the 2WW!

Elf update

Did you watch? DD was the tall elf in green, wearing shades. I hope he told Santa what we want!!!

Donor Daddy on TV tomorrow (correction!)

If you turn on the M@cy's Thanksgiving parade for the last few minutes tomorrow you will see DD, in his 6'3" tall elfin splendor, driving Santa's sleigh. DD's partner creates hair pieces (beards, etc.) and wigs for theater. He is also in charge of Santa's hair and beard for the parade. (Oops, correction, kiddies. Of course that's Santa's real hair and beard!!) So for years now the two of them have donned the elf suits and steered the reindeer.

This kid better be good! Daddy knows Santa!

From past parades

Requesting embie mojo for a friend

Hey, internets! A friend (not a blogger) could use your good thoughts and energy.

She went in yesterday for a day 3 transfer of her lone embie and was told it was only 4 cells. Their policy is not to transfer anything under 6 cells on day 3. They are now waiting to see if it goes to blast by day 6. They theorize that if it doesn't culture to blast, it wouldn't be viable in the uterus, thereby saving the cost of the transfer and the agony of a 2ww.

So, if you could please send your growing vibes to this little embryo, it would be greatly appreciated. L will be a great mom!

Thanks!

Foot update and questions

Well, it looks like it's just tendonitis. But still, it hurts!!

I called my podiatrist first thing yesterday morning and said it was an emergency. The receptionist told me there was an opening on Friday! WTF?? What part of emergency don't you understand? After some back and forth without a resolution, I told her they'd lost a patient.

Wound up at a walk-in clinic. I waited almost 3 hours to be seen, only to be told it was just tendonitis. The dr said that because of the location of the pain (on the side, towards the top of the foot), the only way to fracture a bone there would be to drop something on it. Which is not what happened.

I have an acupuncture appt after work today for some implantation needling. I'll have her work on the foot as well.

Got a referral for a new podiatrist. I will see him tomorrow, just to confirm the diagnosis.

My questions:

1. How soon after a 3 day transfer can I POAS? I was thinking 7, which would be next Sunday.

2. What's your favorite brand of pee stick? I have 2 at home. A Wa1greens generic ept and a 1st resp0nse. 2 isn't enough!

Thank you all for the good wishes and support!

For those of you that didn't get the movie reference in my Show & Tell post.

My favorite scene from one of my favorite movies, This is Spinal Tap.

Oh, man! This I don't need!

It's nearly 3am as I start this post. Can't sleep and my foot is killing me.

I'm really afraid I may have broken a bone in there. It started on my way to work on Friday. I just took a step that didn't feel right and it started hurting. I have tendonitis in that foot from my flat feet, but that has improved a lot since I got orthotics in August. This pain is close to where the tendonitis is (side of foot on the inside), but a little higher and further back. It has been steadily getting worse, and today has been awful. I'm really limping badly. I've spent most of the day lounging in bed after my transfer this morning, and have had a cold pack on it on and off. Now it's just constantly hurting, and the pain is starting to radiate. It's not swollen. Walking on it is really bad, but it hurts just lying in bed. Tried wrapping it in an ace bandage. Didn't help.

I really don't need this right now. I just want to make a nice calm home for my embryo. Obviously, I can't get an x-ray, but does anyone know if they can see a break on an ultrasound?

Oh, yeah, to add to my pissiness I bought an electric blanket from Sm@rt B@rgain$ last month. I tested it shortly after I received it, and it worked. But it hasn't been cold enough to use it until tonight. (I'm usually fine with my duvet.) Well, now it's not working. I just checked the website's return policy, and thankfully I have 30 days from when I received it, not from order date. So I have a few more days. Of course they are sold out of the one I purchased (although I'm not sure I'd trust the same brand (Be@utirest)). The only one thet have in stock now is $25 more, and doesn't give a brand name. I know, it's just a little thing, but I'm hormonal and pissy and just want some peacefulness.

Anyone know if vag progesterone makes you cranky? Grrrrrrr!!

Should I just consider this sleeplessness practice for motherhood?

Mel’s Show & Tell — Our embie goes to 11!

Anyone get the film reference in the title?

Well, we transferred an 11 cell, grade b/c day 3 embryo today. That my little lone embie grew to 11 cells makes me feel somewhat hopeful. From everything I've read/heard 8 cells on day 3 is considered very good. Let's hope this is the little embie that could!

Donor Daddy couldn't make it today, so a good friend came with me. "Aunt M" was great! Didn't get a picture of the embryo for Show & Tell, but got a fun shot of Aunt M (face blurred for anonymity) in her coveralls and cap.


Grow little embie! Dig in deep in the nice lining mommy grew for you.

Take a look at what the rest of the class is showing this week.

Houston, we have cell division. Day 1 and counting down.

One egg has fertilized. I'm scheduled for transfer Sunday morning. All I can do is hope that our little embryo is looking good then.

Thank you all so much for all the good wishes and support. It really helps. I know you’ll all be there during the dreaded two week wait. Thank you, thank you, thank you!

BTW, Donor Daddy has expressed a wish to comment here. Go ahead! I'm sure my readers will be interested and welcoming. :-)

Two

Left home at the crack of dawn. A few flurries in the air. Easy subway ride at that hour. Busy, but not crowded, and no delays. Called Donor Daddy when I got out of the subway. We arrived at the clinics building at the same time, so walked in together like the couple we're pretending to be. We rode up the elevator with the receptionist, so I was the first retrieval of the day. DD had to sign and initial the hundred or so spots on the consent forms. The consent forms for freezing seemed silly for us. Even if I had a ton of follies, and made a ton of embies, at my age everything would be transferred. I really think the only chance for me to wind up with multiples with my own crusty eggs would be if one split. (Yikes! For some reason, the idea of identicals freaks me out.)

I was taken back for retrieval and DD was taken to do his thing. As I'm changing into the gown, he called me twice with questions while filling out yet another form. (He couldn't remember what year I was born. My birthday he remembers because it's his parents' wedding anniversary.) "Hey, I'm trying to get naked here!"

Retrieval was uneventful. We got 2 eggs. All I can do now is hope for a good fertilization report tomorrow. Then, hopefully, we have something to transfer on Sunday. Waiting around in recovery was just boring. No problems afterwards. DD got me some food to bring home and put me in a taxi.

So, for the rest of the day I ate, napped and snuggled my kitties. Some pain, but no big deal. Peeing a lot, despite eating salty foods to draw the fluid from the empty follies. (Thanks to the internets for that tip.) Maybe my swollen ovary is pressing on my bladder.

So, overall, okay. I wish we'd gotten more, but my poor old ovaries did their best.

I'm so excited! A dr is going to poke me in the vagina with a big needle!

Ya like the title?

Retrieval Thursday!!! For those of you keeping track, I have a 22.5, 18.5, 16 and 13! Lining, nice and stripey. I shot up my last dose of stims at the clinic after my u/s. (Thanks to L for telling me to bring them!) Trigger shot tonight. A little nervous about that, but I know I can do it.

This is such a rollercoaster! I was feeling so down and sorry for myself last night. I started writing a pathetic, whiney post on my itouch riding the subway home last night. Then when I got home there was a big box in front of my door. Turned out to be a lot of packaging for small items. LUCKY IVF SOCKS!! Sent to me by a sweet wannabe SMC blogger. (Hint: her retrieval is Thursday, too!!) Since I need to do laundry and am very low on clean socks, I wore them for my monitoring this morning. They worked!!

In case anyone's interested, here's the whine I wrote last night. I feel better now.

This just sucks! Sucks bad. I know it's the massive dose of hormones, but right now I'm so down. Even if every egg I'm cooking fertilizes, the chances of any of them being genetically normal is so slim.

Okay, some of this is aggravated by an incident with my boss. He gave me something to work on last week that I'm just not good at. Then when the requester didn't like it, he got very anxious and uptight. I need this job. The economy sucks, but I feel too crappy to kiss ass.

Then after work I went to the podiatrist and got a cortisone shot in my heel for planter fasciitis. Fucking hurt like hell! The dr kindly told me it was okay to scream, since I was the last patient of the day. Damn, stims and ganire1ex will be a breeze tonight.

Tonight for some reason I feel particularly alone.

Then I came home to a totally cool present and kitties who love me. And I have my internets rooting for me!

22-14.5-13

And a newbie under 10. Lining, a plump 8.5.

Back again tomorrow morning. These were not the numbers I thought I heard, but I called with a question and this is what they read off. Oh, and the nurse who took down the numbers wrote down the wrong side.

So, if the little ones don't catch up, we'll sacrifice the dominant follie and stim the 2 smaller ones for an IUI. I WANT A RETRIEVAL! My clinic is adamant about not going to retrieval without 3 good sized follies. Some top clinics in NY want 4.

Oh, well. Another restless night and early morning stick and wanding. Joy.

Mel's Show and Tell — Furry Edition

There seems to be a trend toward showing off our furry family members this week. Since everyone enjoyed the picture of the Mushter I posted the other day, I thought I'd post more of my lolcats.

Wilson and Mushy love to play.

Wilson makes me late for work.
Awww, cuddle for 5 more minutes!

Don't forget to check what the rest of the class is showing this week.

Righty's hanging tough

Woo hoo! I have 3 follicles! Two are small, but big enough to count. Continuing stims and another check on Monday. Today was the shortest wait for morning monitoring I've ever had. Got my favorite monitoring RE, too. All in all, except for the rain, not a bad morning.

Came home and found a package in front of my door. It was a wonderful good luck charm from another blogger.

I'm single, alone on a Saturday night, but life is okay. I'm growing follies and I am getting closer to making it to retrieval.

Pay it Forward Fridays — Roundup edition

This week’s PIF post is all over the place. A miscellaneous PIF roundup.

First of all, although the U.T.E.R.U.S. Brigade fundraiser has reached its goal, there are more donated items that will give us a head start for the next recipient(s). There are some great items listed in the U.T.E.R.U.S. Brigade eBay auctions, and some lovely things still available in the U.T.E.R.U.S. Etsy shop. I would like to draw your attention to the jewelry I donated that is listed for auction. There are some really beautiful bracelets that I debated whether to donate or not, but I just haven’t worn them in so long. Better for them to have a new home, and be worn and enjoyed. And for such an awesome cause! Start a bidding war!!

Also, regarding the U.T.E.R.U.S. fundraising efforts I want to repost the note from our recipient Mary that Mel posted on LFCA.

A Note to Everyone From Mary:
"What are the right words to say to let a group of people you have never met know that you will be forever grateful to them? How do you let them know that their kindness has touched your broken heart and helped it start to heal? That your dear darling husband feels like some of his faith in human kindness has been restored after it seemed like God Himself was conspiring against us? Thank you just doesn’t seem like enough. But, I don’t have the right words to express the depth of my feelings. I am not a blogger, I am not an eloquent writer. I am just a humble infertile woman who was brought to tears by the wonderful act of kindness bestowed on her. And my life will be forever changed because of your kindness. Thank you doesn’t seem like enough, but it is all I have and it is heartfelt.
With love,~Mary"

Mary, you are so welcome. It’s a gift to us as well. It’s a wonderful thing to be able to make a difference in someone’s life.

Next, I’d like to showcase some terrific organizations that are paying it forward.

Matt Logelin is partnering with a fantastic organization called My Stuff Bags Foundation. Matt and Madeline have received so many generous gifts that it feels right to spread the generosity.

From Matt’s blog regarding My Stuff Bags mission: “my stuff bags foundation is a non-profit organization that provides abused, abandoned, and neglected children—ranging in age from newborn to 18 years old—throughout the united states with personal belongings to help fulfill their needs and lend a sense of comfort as they are shepherded through the foster care system. using the online gift registry, charitable givers can purchase essential items like clothing, books, art supplies, and toys, which will be forwarded on to the my stuff bags foundation.”

I am also including this link to a post by Matt about an incredible one-on-one PIF experience Matt had when he stopped by Liz’s OB’s office to show off how Maddy had grown since she delivered her. Warning, there’s a whole lot of Maddy cuteness to scroll through to get to the story.

Nunn the Wiser started a great project for the holiday season. She wrote: "I am doing a holiday project this year to come up with nice presents, including preemie clothes, for the parents at my local hospital (where Henry was born) who have preemies in the NICU or SBCU over the holidays.” Click here for more details.

What a wonderful idea! I was a four pound preemie myself. I can’t imagine how hard it must have been for my 22 year old mother to leave me behind in the hospital. No kangaroo care way back in the olden days.

One more: Last night I got an email from an organization I donated to last year around the holidays. From their website: “Band of Parents are parents of children diagnosed with a cancer called neuroblastoma who want to help further the research and drug development desperately needed to save more children. Neuroblastoma is an “orphan” cancer; pharmaceutical companies are not developing new treatments because there is not a large enough patient base to make development profitable. Funding from the government is similarly limited. Time is running out for many of our children -- money stands between them and a cure.”

Can you imagine the anguish of being told your child has a rare form of cancer and that no research is being done because it’s so rare? Beyond horrible! The stuff of nightmares! Band of Parents is holding their second annual online bake sale to raise funds and awareness. I can say from personal experience that Liam's Lemon Sugar Cookies are yummy! Buy some cookies, help some children!

Lastly, on a personal note, yesterday I played IVF yenta and helped two people. I introduced two people via email, one who needed help and one who wanted to pay it forward. I think all three of us feel warm and fuzzy about it!

PAY IT FORWARD ROCKS!

IVF lolcat

If you read this post you'll understand how thrilled I am to have g0na1-f pens instead of vials to mix up.

This is my cat, Mushy. That's his name because he is such a mush. He loves everyone! He will love a baby.

I'm cooking something!

Went in for my follie check this morning after 5 days of stims. I have ONE follicle measuring 15. And one small one under 10. I know it's not great, but it's better than last time when I had zero response after 7 days. I start ganire1ix tonight. I've never gotten this far before. I'll go in Saturday and hopefully more will be happening. If not, I'll be converted to an IUI. I know most women going through IVF would be upset about one decent follicle, but I'm just relieved that I'm responding at all. This cycle is about closure more than anything. I would be thrilled to get to retrieval and make some embies, but I'll deal with just getting some swimmers near my old egg. All I can do is hope that my pretty follie holds that 1 out of 10 normal egg.

THANK YOU

to everyone who commented on my last post. Your support means a lot!

I would love it if hetero, married infertiles questioned their clinics about this kind of discrimination, but I know how hard it is to deal with anything but your cycle when at the clinic.

BTW, regarding discrimination, I found out about the protests in New York about the passage of Prop 8 when I got home from work yesterday. If I had known, I would have gone. If this cycle works I may someday have to explain to my child why mommy (who doesn't have a partner) is legally allowed to be married, but daddy (who's been with his partner for nearly 15 years) can't. Enough already! You love who you love. Period.

Congratulations to the same sex newlyweds and soon to be newlyweds in Connecticut. Rock on nutmeg state!

Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves

Warning: There is angry swearing in this post!

I had some alternative titles for this post:

Discrimination sucks ASS!

Pundits are right, there ARE two Americas!

Oh, no they didn’t!

Fucking IDIOTS!

STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! WRONG, VERY FUCKING WRONG!

How DARE they!

I chose to be more positive with my title. Thanks, Aretha and Annie!

I called my friend’s clinic yesterday to set up a phone consult about the embryo donation. (I refer to her as my friend, because that’s what feels right. This has become more than a donor/recipient relationship.) I was told by the receptionist that the clinic only treats married couples. I was stunned, then enraged!

I suppose I’m spoiled with regard to experiencing discrimination. I’m a Jew living in a city where I am not a minority. I went to school (ALL my school years) with people of just about every skin tone, religion and nationality imaginable. I live in a community like that. I was even in a wedding party with a gay man who’s a drag performer. (While I won’t say he was the prettiest bridesmaid, he had the best legs!) This experience with the clinic blindsided me.

According to the CDC, about 16% of fertility clinics in the US will not treat single women. I consulted with 4 New York City clinics before deciding where to cycle. I was NEVER asked my marital status. I was asked if I had a partner, so they would know what steps to take to get me pregnant. I.e., is there a partner who needs to be tested, or would I be using donor sperm.

Insurance companies discriminate in terms of providing treatment to the “sperm challenged” by insisting that a woman tries on her own for a certain number of cycles. Should single heteros and lesbian start hitting bars? Not exactly a medically sound idea. Jo lives in a state that mandates insurance companies to pay for fertility treatments, but only for married couples. Single women must pay out of pocket. ART treatments are already discriminatory due to cost. You either need to have insurance coverage, have the means to pay out of pocket, or be willing to go into debt.

Of course, you know that a child conceived by a married couple will be raised in a stable two parent home. Yeah, right!

I might have a two parent home someday, but so what?

Does your clinic discriminate against singles and same sex couples? Were you asked your marital status? Did you have to prove it? I would love it if my readers questioned their clinics about this. If they do discriminate, ask them if they treat women of color. Of course they will say they would not discriminate based on skin color. How is this different? If a doctor has a moral issue with helping singles and same sex couples become pregnant, they should not specialize in reproductive endocrinology. Go into dermatology.

I think we will probably move the embryos to another clinic. Honestly, I really would rather not have these narrow minded people up in my crotch.

Addendum to yesterdays post

I was on the subway this morning on my way to work, sitting next to someone reading the New York Times, and spotted this article.

Veterans’ Families Seek Aid for Caregiver Role

I am, once again, grateful for the events of last Tuesday.

We must do better. We will do better.

As Cara said, I think it's become my mantra. YES WE CAN!

Veterans Day 2008 — Yes we can!

I work in midtown Manhattan, on Fifth Avenue. I just went out to pick up some lunch and watched a little of the Veterans Day parade go by. I felt overwhelmed with gratitude for our President-Elect.

Yes we can bring our soldiers home to their loved ones.

Yes we can do a better job of supporting our military families.

Yes we can provide top notch healthcare to all vets and their families, but particularly to the returning wounded.

I know there’s much more, but that’s just off the top of my hormone addled head.

After I brought my lunch back to my desk, I grabbed my camera and went back downstairs.

Love this one. Here's a close up.

Mel’s Show and Tell — Consolation Prizes

Late for class, but wanted to add to the cool Show & Tell posts this week.

When my first IVF cycle was cancelled in June I decided to finally get the tattoo I’d been thinking about for a few years. I was hoping an illustrator friend of mine would do a drawing for me, but she was preparing for a show, so was too busy. I emailed my tattoo artist with some images, then called and set up an appointment. (Side note: I’ve known my tattoo artist since he was 10 years old. I dated his older brother when I was a teenager. Can’t help it, I still think of him as the nosy kid who’d poke his head in big bro’s room and ask, “What are you doing?”) He had a drawing ready for me, but I made him rework it a couple of times until I was satisfied. I LOVE IT!

Lots of nebulous reasons for the imagery. The Dickinson poem I quoted in this post sums it up pretty well. Also, this lyric from my favorite Jonathan Larson song:

Cages or wings
Which do you prefer?
Ask the birds
Fear or love, baby?
Don't say the answer
Actions speak louder than words

Click here to hear a sound clip (#12).

My hair almost always covers this tat. It’s sort of my little secret.

Second cancelled cycle I bought this from a cool Etsy seller.

I decided when I bought him that he would be a Pay it Forward Fuck Bunny. I’m not quite ready to give him up yet, but when I am (when I have my “take home baby”?), I’m sure I can find a good home for him within our community. I’m thinking this should be a self nominating prize.

Cancelled cycle number 3. I love Etsy! I found this wonderful jeweler who does custom orders. She made me this beautiful ring. (Sorry the photos aren’t better.)

The ring arrived the day I started stims for number 4. Cycle 4 was cancelled after 7 days of stims due to lack of response.

This time I was done with consolation prizes.

Cycle 5, cysts again.

Now here we are at cycle 6. The last hurrah for my poor beleaguered ovaries. As I’ve mentioned, the plan this time is to continue stims regardless of my response. If I don’t get at least 3 follies, we will do an IUI.

I’m not expecting a miracle. I think I’ve already gotten my share of miracles from my embie donor. Our connection and the feelings we have for each other feels damn miraculous! It’s a strange thing to think that my child is probably already conceived. He or she is waiting to come to me. I can’t wait to meet this wonderful little person!